The Conscious Parents Guide to Raising Boys
A mindful approach to raising a confident, resilient son
Cheryl L. Erwin, MA, LMFT, and Jennifer Costa
Avon, Massachusetts
Copyright 2017 Simon and Schuster
All rights reserved.
This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews.
Published by
Adams Media, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.
www.adamsmedia.com
Contains material adapted from The Everything Parents Guide to Raising Boys, 2nd Edition by Cheryl L. Erwin, MA, MFT, copyright 2011 Simon and Schuster, ISBN 10: 1-4405-0689-2, ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0689-5.
ISBN 10: 1-4405-9994-7
ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-9994-1
eISBN 10: 1-4405-9995-5
eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-9995-8
This book is intended as general information only, and should not be used to diagnose or treat any health condition. In light of the complex, individual, and specific nature of health problems, this book is not intended to replace professional medical advice. The ideas, procedures, and suggestions in this book are intended to supplement, not replace, the advice of a trained medical professional. Consult your physician before adopting any of the suggestions in this book, as well as about any condition that may require diagnosis or medical attention. The author and publisher disclaim any liability arising directly or indirectly from the use of this book.
Cover design by Stephanie Hannus.
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Introduction
Being a conscious parent involves more that just being a caregiver to your son. It is a nurturing and educational process that allows you to forge strong bonds with your boy and help him grow from a helpless infant to an independent, self-reliant adult.
Few things in life are as important as raising a child. You may have dreamt of the birth of your baby, read stacks of books and magazine articles, attended classes, and talked eagerly with other parents. Then your babya real, flesh-and-blood boyarrives. Suddenly nothing is as clear and simple as it once seemed.
The realities of raising a boy take even the most loving, committed, educated parents by surprise. At first, the challenges are fairly straightforward: You want him to eat, sleep, and, occasionally, give you a moments peace. Soon he develops a personality of his own. He finds interesting new ways to explore his world. And sometimes he proves not to be exactly what (or who) you expected.
In addition to understanding just how your sons gender affects his development and behavior, you must learn how to connect with him on an emotional level so that you can make mindful choices regarding his upbringing. Boys learn differently than girls and have different strengths; they sometimes need different things from parents.
No one will ever know your boy like you do. You must decide what you want for your son and be willing to follow through every day of your lives together. You most certainly love your son, but love is not always enough to raise a kind and well-adjusted man. You must learn to mix love with wisdom, good judgment, understanding, and self-control. Conscious parents learn to rely on both their heads and their hearts, ask for help when they need it, and are willing to learn from their own mistakes.
The Conscious Parents Guide to Raising Boys offers you information and suggestions and canwith your own wisdom and experiencehelp you raise a successful, capable, and happy young man.
Chapter 1
Conscious Parenting
Being a conscious parent is based on building strong, sustainable bonds with your children through mindful living and awareness. Traditional power-based parenting techniques that promote compliance and obedience can disconnect you from your children. Conscious parenting, on the other hand, helps you develop a positive emotional connection with your child. You acknowledge your childs unique self and attempt to empathize with his way of viewing the world. Through empathetic understanding and tolerance you create a safe environment where your child feels that his ideas and concerns are truly being heard. When you find yourself in a stressful situation with your child, rather than reacting with anger or sarcasm, conscious parenting reminds you to instead take a step back, reflect, and find a peaceful solutionone that honors your childs individuality and motivations. This approach benefits all children, especially boys. There are some distinct biological differences between boys and girls that affect their behavior and development, and understanding just how his gender impacts the choices that your child makes can help you to be an effective parent. Adopting the conscious parenting philosophy can relieve your stress and improve your childs self-image. The strong bond built between you and your child, along with your own calm, respectful attitude, helps him to develop positive behavior patterns.
The Benefits of Conscious Parenting
Conscious parenting isnt a set of rules or regulations that you must follow, but rather it is a system of beliefs. Conscious parents engage and connect with their children, using mindful and positive discipline rather than punishment. They try to be present when theyre spending time with their children, avoiding distractions like TV and social media. Conscious parents respect their children and accept them as they are. The most important part of conscious parenting is building an emotional connection with your child so you can understand the underlying reasons for his behavior.
Conscious parenting is about listening with full attention, and embracing a nonjudgmental acceptance of yourself and your child. As you engage in the act of becoming, you will discover a heightened sense of emotional awareness of yourself and your child, a clearer self-regulation in the parenting relationship, and a greater compassion for yourself and your child.
Conscious parenting brings with it a number of benefits, including improved communication, stronger relationships, and the feeling of greater happiness and satisfaction with life. Some of these benefits appear more immediately, while others take some time to emerge. The benefits of conscious parenting and mindfulness are a result of making it a part of your daily life. With practice, conscious parenting becomes an integral part of who and how you are in the world, and will in turn become a central part of who your child is as well.
Well-Being
Conscious parents understand that everything they do and say over the course of each day matters. It is a sense of the now, being in the present without regard or worry for the past or future. When you become more mindful, you may find that you become more accepting of the things in life that you cant change and experience less stress. The net result is greater satisfaction with and enjoyment of whatever each day has to offer. This sense of well-being offers a satisfaction and contentment in knowing that we are who we are intended to be, doing precisely what we are designed for in the moment.
As human beings, we each possess the tools for contributing something of value. Assess your gifts and talentsthose personality traits and skills that make you uniqueand determine how to employ them to enhance your parenting. If you take a full accounting of yourselfgood, bad, and indifferentand