Dr. Arne Rubinstein - The Making of Men: Raising Boys to Be Happy, Healthy and Successful

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Many people have been involved directly or indirectly in the writing of this book.

To those who physically helped me by reading, brainstorming and editing. Nicky Reavley, Josephine Dee Barrett, Susannah Rubinstein, Rod Morrison and Lucy. Thank you for your wisdom, patience and faith. I must have been a nightmare to work with at times but we also had lots of fun and I am happy to be able to call all of you friends.

To Rein Van de Ruit who has mentored me for twenty years and continues to support and inspire me to stay on my path. You have given me so much knowledge in the form of countless books, magazines and CDs on the subject of Rites of Passage and the development of the human psyche. Your generosity of spirit is incredible and I can truly say that none of this work would have happened if you had not been there to encourage me at the beginning.

To the incredible men and women I have worked with in the last twenty years creating and running youth programs all over Australia and internationally. I honour all of you especially those who continue to do this work despite the challenges involved and the lack of financial support. I know that many of you have made great sacrifices in order to do what you believe is so important. We have had some incredible adventures, created all sorts of mayhem, and changed the lives of thousands of people. There are too many of you to name but I know that as a result of your continuing dedication, Rites of Passage are slowly but surely becoming a mainstream event. Also to all those who just got in there and in their own way helped it all to happen. Bere, James Dodds, Elvian Drysdale, Maree Lipschitz, John Imbrogno, Simone Verdon, Joseph Raya, Annelise Kaufman, Mark Emerson, Stephen Moss, Stephane Chatonsky, Garry Thomson, Karim, Caroline Pegram, Ranald Allan, Marybeth Zang and a whole heap of other people.

To all those who financially supported the work and put their organisational resources and time behind helping us to scale. Michael Traill, Jan Owen, Daniel Petre, Robert Bleakley, George Lewin, Richard Howes, Chris Cuffe, David Vaux, James Hodgkinson, Michael Price, Julie White, Gianni Zappala, James Tait, Caroline Stewart and many more.

To the young men who have been on our programs. Your courage, honesty, wisdom and passion for life is what drives all we do. I have been so privileged to meet you and bear witness to the amazing transformations you go through. Every time I go on a camp I leave more deeply inspired to continue this work. I also love that many of you keep in contact and that we have become friends.

To my father, who has been an unwavering source of encouragement to bloody well get this book done. You have always wanted the best for me and have an unlimited stream of thoughts and ideas as to what I can do. I know how happy you will be the day this book is finally published.

To my mother, who has loved me unconditionally since the day I was born. My respect and love for you is to the moon and back. You are the best.

Finally, to my sons Jarrah and Jaden. I am so proud to have you both in my life. You are the most amazing sons a father could ever wish for. I appreciate our relationship, I enjoy the adventures we continue to have together and I love each of you more than anything in the worldthough I do struggle a bit with the fact that you are now bigger, faster and stronger than me; it seems a little bit unfair!

CHAPTER 1

Which way will your boy go?

Teenage boys are naturally loving, energetic, funny, creative and sensitive. They are passionate about the things that genuinely interest them, they are romantic and they are loyal. They love to laugh, can see the funny side of almost anything and can be both goofy and graceful at the same time. They have unlimited energy and can eat and eat as if they are dying of starvation, have a short break and then start eating again. Teenage boys sleep like the dead, grow taller in front of your very eyes and are always up for a wrestle. They are inspired and motivated and want to change the world. They are aware and have a strong sense of what is right and wrong, and they are brave and will do anything for something or someone they believe in.

I have also witnessed another side of teenage boys. I have seen anger that is violent, scary and cannot be reasoned with. I have seen deep, dark depression and I have known kids who believe the whole world is against them. Some have told me they dont care, that life sucks and that they hate everyone including themselves. I have met talented boys who believe they are hopeless. Most tragically of all, I have known boys who have chosen to end their lives.

Raising children is something most parents learn on the job. At the same time we have to work, pay the bills, care for others, and deal with everything else that is going on. What can you do to give your boy the best chance of becoming a happy and successful man? In fact, what can we as a society do to give all our boys the best chance to become happy and successful men?

The answers to these and other questions are what I want to share with you in this book. I want to give you an understanding of what is happening for your boy, the changes he is going through and the impact of things like technology on his world. Importantly, I want explain in plain and simple terms what he needs from you as his parent or carer.

The Making of Men contains practical tips, techniques, exercises and strategies that will bring out the best in your son. I suggest ways you can help him avoid the dangers and issues that are part and parcel of being a teenager in the 21st century. And I show you exactly how to create what I believe is the critical missing link that our boys need a properly run Rite of Passage (ROP).

Lift-off

Think of your son as an astronaut. When hes young, our role as parents or carers is to help build him a rocket that will eventually carry him off on his own life journey. Naturally, we want him to have the greatest rocket possible, so we protect him, we feed him, we give him the best education we can and we love him unconditionally. Until he reaches puberty, we are in charge more or less.

Somewhere between the ages of eleven and fifteen what I call lift-off occurs. All of a sudden your boy and his rocket fire up on their own, there are a lot of flames and smoke and before we know it he has launched intowell somewhere and its certainly different from where he was before. At least physically, your son has begun to change from a boy to a man.

It is a well-documented fact that lift-off is the most dangerous stage for rockets. Its when they can head off course or even explode and come crashing back to earth. Most parents or carers would agree lift-off is also the most out-of-control time in their sons life. Many feel they have to either confront an enormous and explosive force, or sit back, watch the unfolding drama and hope and pray the outcome is okay. Lift-off is also unfortunately the time about which we seem to get the least education, the least support and have the least ability to influence what is happening.

It doesnt need to be like this. For thousands of years, societies around the world have believed that a boys entire future was determined by how well he and his family managed lift-off. In order to acknowledge and support their boys at this critical stage, these societies created carefully structured and often elaborate ROPs. After all, this is the most important time in a males life. Its when a boy needs to change not only physically but psychologically too. Its when he needs support and understanding not only from his parents but from the wider community. And he cannot do it on his own.

These days, we manage lift-off anywhere from poorly to not at all. I believe we have the ability to change this. I think it is possible for us to support the health and wellbeing of our young men at this crucial time. A lot of this book is about lift-off and the years immediately afterwards. If you can help your son to lift-off well then hell have a great start to his adult life. If lift-off goes wrong then he may spend years dealing with the consequences.