Engel Beverly - When Your Partner Has an Addiction: How Compassion Can Transform Your Relationship (and Heal You Both in the Process)

This complex issue affects the lives of millions of people and their families every day. Christopher and Beverly should be applauded for approaching a delicate subject with true compassion.

MARIA SHRIVER

One of the best books available on codependency.... Here you will learn how to return to compassion and how to back off without backing out of a relationship altogether.

DR. DREW PINKSY

When Your Partner Has an Addiction is a godsend for the millions who feel trapped between hope and despair.... Lawford writes with elegance, wisdom, and compassion in a guide that can changeeven saveyour life.

DAVID SHEFF, New York Times bestselling author of Beautiful Boy and Clean

When Your Partner Has an Addiction is a terrific primer for dealing with a practicing addict that respects both partners struggle with codependency. It provides practical solutions to avoid enabling and shows how to be a compassionate supporter of your loved one.

DARLENE LANCER, author of Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You

In this eminently readable and valuable book, Christopher Lawford reminds all of ushusbands and wives, parents and grandparents, counselors and physiciansthat addiction and recovery are family affairs and it takes a family to help the addict recover and live a sober, happy, and satisfying life.

JOSEPH A. CALIFANO, JR., founder of the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University and former US Secretary of Health, Education, and Welfare

Other Titles by
Christopher Kennedy Lawford

Symptoms of Withdrawal

Moments of Clarity

Recover to Live

What Addicts Know

Other Titles by
Beverly Engel

It Wasnt Your Fault

The Emotionally Abused Woman

Encouragements for the
Emotionally Abused Woman

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Loving Him without Losing You

The Nice Girl Syndrome

Healing Your Emotional Self

Breaking the Cycle of Abuse

The Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome

The Power of Apology

Honor Your Anger

The Right to Innocence

Partners in Recovery: How Mates, Lovers
and Other Prosurvivors Can Support and Cope
with Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse

Families in Recovery: Healing the

Damage of Child Sexual Abuse

Divorcing a Parent

WHEN
YOUR PARTNER
HAS AN
ADDICTION

Copyright 2016 by Christopher Kennedy Lawford

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

BenBella Books, Inc.

10440 N. Central Expressway, Suite 800 | Dallas, TX 75231

First E-Book Edition: October 2016

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Lawford, Christopher Kennedy, 1955- author. | Engel, Beverly, author.

Title: When your partner has an addiction : how compassion can transform your relationship (and heal you both in the process) / Christopher Kennedy Lawford, with Beverly Engel.

Description: Dallas, TX : BenBella Books, [2016] | Includes bibliographical references and index.

Identifiers: LCCN 2016016223 (print) | LCCN 2016025774 (ebook) | ISBN 9781941631867 (paperback) | ISBN 9781941631874 (electronic)

Subjects: LCSH: AddictsRehabilitation. | AddictsFamily relationships. | Codependency. | BISAC: SELF-HELP / Codependency. | SELF-HELP / Adult Children of Substance Abusers. | FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS / Marriage.

Classification: LCC HV4998 .L3943 2016 (print) | LCC HV4998 (ebook) | DDC 362.29/13dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016016223

Editing by Leah Wilson

Copyediting by Karen Wise

Proofreading by James Fraleigh and Kimberly Broderick

Text design and composition by Silver Feather Design

Front cover by Kit Sweeney

Full cover by Sarah Dombrowsky

Printed by Lake Book Manufacturing

Distributed by Perseus Distribution | www.perseusdistribution.com

To place orders through Perseus Distribution:

Tel: (800) 343-4499 | Fax: (800) 351-5073 | E-mail:

PART I.
Love, Compassion, and Understanding

PART II.
Taking on a Compassionate Attitude

PART III.
Your Role in Your Partners Recovery

That amazing human interaction we call romantic love can be magical. But relationships are also challenging; even in the best of circumstances, they can be as rife with pitfalls as they are with possibilities. When you add addiction to the mix, you have the potential for frustration, anger, and painin a word, failure.

But it doesnt have to be that way, and thats what these pages will show.

The most important qualification I have for coauthoring a book about relationships with individuals recovering from substance or behavioral addiction is my own experience recovering from these disorders for the past thirty years. As a person in long-term recovery, Ive found that maintaining solid, fulfilling relationships has been an enormous challenge, though Ive never stopped trying. Maybe thats why relationships and human development are so fascinating to me. And that fascination is one of the reasons I do the work I do today.

After spending twenty years in the film and television industries as an actor, lawyer, executive, and producer, I wrote three New York Times bestselling books dealing with addiction, Symptoms of Withdrawal (2005), Moments of Clarity (2009), and Recover to Live (2013), and, more recently, What Addicts Know (2014). I have campaigned tirelessly on behalf of the recovery community in both the public and private sectors, holding appointed positions with the California Public Health Advisory Committee and serving as goodwill ambassador for the United Nations Office on Drugs and Crime to promote activities supporting drug treatment, care, and recovery. In addition, I earned a masters certification in clinical psychology from Harvard Medical School, where I held an academic appointment as a lecturer in psychiatry, and I currently speak around the world on issues related to addiction and mental health.

Recovery from any addiction, as I know too well from my own experience and from the stories Ive heard from others in my work, is a lifelong process. The learning never ends. It takes most of us a lifetime to establish and maintain a stable, mutually nurturing, and rewarding relationship with someone we love and, even then, we dont always do it well. The past traumas and family of origin dysfunction that cause or contribute to addiction, the fanciful thinking, and sometimes just the stuff we arrive on the planet with often combine to derail our most ardent and committed intentions. This is why having compassion for your partner is so important. No one consciously chooses addiction to a substance or a behavior over his partner. There are always reasonspowerful oneswhy a person retreats into addiction. Understanding that not only adds to your compassion, but brings you closer to experiencing true intimacy with your partner.