Impellizzeri - Why Cant I Change?

Why do people make the same mistakes over and over again? Why do we choose the wrong partners, stay in dead-end jobs, or fall into bad habits or addictions? Why are some people perpetual victims? Why cant we just change whatever isnt working and get on with it?

These questions about the human condition fascinated me and led me to a career in psychology. During my early years in private practice, I noticed that many of my patients had a distinct pattern of self-destructive behavior that seemed to repeat over and over again. I found this pattern pervasive in almost all areas of their lives, although it was most apparent in their intimate relationships.

When I pointed this out to my patients, many had no idea there was a pattern at all. Those who admitted being aware of their patterns became aware of them only after the patterns were established. They were not conscious of what had created these patterns and what had gotten them to this place. They seemed to be sleepwalking through life. I began to research this phenomenon. I knew from my studies that childhood experiences affect our behaviors and the way we think about life. During a fateful trip to Tahiti, I was introduced to attachment theory, which specifically correlates our feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and what we expect in life as adults to the way we attach to our primary caregivers as infants. The latest studies in attachment and brain development indicate that the effects of these early experiences shape the way our brain develops, causing us to behave in ways that we may not be aware of. As I learned more and more about attachment in early life, it all began to make sense. The programming that begins in infancy is stored in the unconscious. When it is triggered, it ignites a pattern of behavior that is simply a reaction to that early programming. Thanks, Mom and Dad!

With this knowledge, I began to better understand the psychological defenses, emotional reactions, beliefs, and behaviors my patients were displaying. It was not simply a matter of blaming our parents; their part in the process is in the past and often unintentional, and we cant change that. However, understanding why the behavior exists is the first step in changing it. It became clear that helping my patients gain insight into their patterns led to awareness and that awareness presented a choice for them: either stick with their old behaviors and continue to sleepwalk through life or try new behaviors and release themselves from their unconscious patterns, ultimately living the lives they wanted. Insight and awareness alone do not produce change, but new experiences do. And new experiences create new neural pathways in the brain and literally change it. The adage You cant teach an old dog new tricks is a lie.

I wrote this book to share my insights and strategies beyond the scope of my practice. When we become aware and let go of old patterns that no longer work in our lives, we can change our behaviors and stop sleepwalking through life, free from the effects of the past. How exhilarating and grand!