Judd - Dare to dream: my struggle to become a mum - a story of heartache and hope

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First published in Great Britain in 2017 by Bantam Press
an imprint of Transworld Publishers
Copyright Izzy Judd 2017

Cover images: background Shutterstock; Izzy and Harry Judd Sven Arnstein; Izzy and Harry Judd in silhouette Dave Spearing.
Cover design by Becky Glibbery/TW

Izzy Judd has asserted her right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

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Version 1.0 Epub ISBN 9781473543447
ISBN 9780593078822

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For Harry & Lola
and all the stars that shine brighter.

The information in this book has been compiled by way of general guidance in relation to the specific subjects addressed. It is not a substitute and not to be relied on for medical, healthcare, pharmaceutical or other professional advice on specific circumstances and in specific locations. Please consult your GP before changing, stopping or starting any medical treatment. So far as the author is aware the information given is correct and up to date as at June 2017. Practice, laws and regulations all change, and the reader should obtain up-to-date professional advice on any such issues. The author and publishers disclaim, as far as the law allows, any liability arising directly or indirectly from the use, or misuse, of the information contained in this book.

WHEN I WAS twenty-eight years old, I got married a fairytale wedding to the man of my dreams. At the time of our wedding Harry and I had loved each other for many years, so we were fully ready to set up our lives together. The next step, for both of us, was to start a family. But thats not how our story went. I quickly found that, although I was young and healthy, I struggled to fall pregnant naturally.

There were some medical reasons given as to why I was having difficulties conceiving. I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and was told that this was why I wasnt ovulating but it didnt tell the whole story. Ive always believed that my long struggle with anxiety, beginning when I was around thirteen years old, had a lot to do with it. The ways in which the mind and body work together are mysterious and powerful they shape and influence each other. This of course can be both a good and a bad thing, as I was to discover.

Once I found out that conceiving naturally wasnt going to be straightforward, what followed were some very hard and lonely years. Even though they ended well with the birth of our beautiful daughter, Lola, in 2016, Ill never forget what we went through to have her.

During the years of waiting, I experienced so many emotions from fear to frustration, desperation to anger, guilt to loneliness. Overall, I felt an overwhelming sadness and sense of responsibility that not only was I unable to give Harry the one thing we both wanted, I was also unable to give our parents grandchildren. My world stopped it felt as if someone had pressed pause and I couldnt move.

Of course, this story or variations on it is one that will be familiar to so many women. And yet through my own struggles there was hardly anything I read that gave me any comfort. Information on the science behind fertility treatment was easy to come by but I couldnt find anything that spoke to me on an emotional level, or that made sense of the complicated way I felt about myself, my body and what was happening to me.

After Id had Lola, Harry and I had no problem in speaking openly about what wed been through to conceive. In fact, we felt almost as if we had a duty to do so were in the public eye and we had the opportunity to draw attention to the fact that wed had IVF with a wonderful result. I was amazed at the number of women who got in touch to let me know that hearing our story made a difference to them, that it had helped to hear that someone else had experienced what they were going through.

This led to my decision to write a book. I want to share my experiences and some of what Ive learned, in the hope that it will help other women, and the friends and family who are supporting them during their fertility struggles. My greatest wish is that by telling my own story I can be a companion to others and help them to feel less alone were in this together.

Ive included things that happened long before I ever thought about having a baby because I believe they had much to do with my struggle to conceive. As the philosopher Kierkegaard once said, Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. Ive lived my life forwards, of course, but its only by looking back that I can fully understand some of what Ive been through.

Not being able to fall pregnant isnt unusual or shameful its something that happens to so many of us. Well all have our difficult moments in life, but when you feel you cant share them with others, they become even harder to deal with, as well as isolating. I hope that my words might give comfort to other women, and maybe start a more open conversation. Fertility is a very personal subject, one that needs to be approached with great sensitivity, but that doesnt mean that we just shouldnt talk about it.

Going through IVF is a lonely time. Even if you have a wonderful partner, as I do, and the support of family and close friends as, again, I did, its still something very personal. Its your body thats injected, your hormones that are messed with, your cycle thats disrupted; your feelings of hope, disappointment, frustration and sorrow. And your challenge to bear that cycle of counting days, where a month can feel so long.

Everybody is unique and each woman will have her own individual set of issues and complications the sliding scale of infertility is vast and covers a multitude of different things. I dont know exactly what other women go through, of course, but I know about the feelings that accompany so much of the struggle: the sense of isolation and failure; trying to manage the side effects from the drugs you have to take and the fear that you will never succeed in having a baby.

When I began to write, a part of me wondered whether my story was full enough. Did enough happen to me? Did I go through enough on my journey for a baby? I know there are women who undergo many more cycles of IVF than I did. But looking back at the many notes and diaries that I kept during the process, I realized just how much