Kindred - The Barometer: a bartenders guide to measuring up in your relationships

The Barometer

A BARTENDERS GUIDE TO
MEASURING UP IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

LisaDiane Kindred

AuthorHouse

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Bloomington, IN 47403

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Phone: 1-800-839-8640

2012 LisaDiane Kindred. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse 06/18/2012

ISBN: 978-1-4772-0511-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4772-0512-9 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012908949

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Contents

To my true loves (LC), first loves, future loves and lovers everywhere.

My experience as a bartender lets me study relationships first hand. Ive also noticed an interesting parallel between my relationship to customers and romantic relationships. I have a theory that the Barmaid steps into the role of whatever a customer is lacking in his/her own relationshipor fulfills the role in the absence of one. Im the mistress of the customer whose date just went to the bathroom; the consummate therapist whose job it is to listen while a person works through their relationship woes; a bitch to the smart-ass looking for a rise; an audience for the jokes and stories the one at home has heard one too many times; or referee or matchmaker, serving as the go between for a budding romanceor rocky one. On any given night, aside from serving drinks, it is my job to build, juggle, and maintain relationships; often several at one time.

To give a person the best experience I must be courteous, confident, and have a positive attitudeeven when Im not in the best mood. Its important that I pay attention to details, anticipate their needs, and have great listening skills. Its vital to my job to show appreciation to the customers, and also to be humble and willing to admit when Im wrong. My tips depend on these qualities. I learned pretty quickly what behaviors get the best results, and conversely, which ones do not. In a romantic relationship, the tip, the reward for a job well done or great services rendered, is more time, affection, and love.

I demand respect from my customers. Similar to a romantic relationship, a customer behaving offensively has consequences; whether its giving them no attention or not giving them what they ask for until they do so appropriately. No relationship is worthwhile without respect.

Ive learned it is key to remember every situation is different and therefore can have a different outcome if you let it. If youve noticed in your own life you keep finding yourself in the same unfavorable situations, you are never happy, and bad things are always happening to you, it might be time to look within for the problem.

Bottom line, theres a happy medium between what we desire, and what we will put up with to get it. Whats interesting to me is how people demand total satisfaction from something as insignificant as a drink. Why not put the same importance on what you want from a relationship, and what youre willing to do to get it? In your relationships, more often than not youre settling instead of demanding what you want. You also tend to give more leeway for mistreatment. Granted, it is much easier to get a drink recipe right than a relationship. That being said, what is your barometer? At what point will you draw the line? Is it because you paid for the drink that you think you deserve to be fulfilled? Well, youre contributing to your relationship as well; therefore, you should get happiness in return. I dont know about you but I dont waste my time or energy on giving my best to someone who doesnt see fit to reward me for my effort. Just as I did in my profession, you can learn the behaviors that reap the best results in your relationship.

1
Recipes for Disaster:
Self-Defeating Behaviors

As a bartender, Ive witnessed many horrific first dates, and disastrous conversations between strangers seated at the bar next to each other. Within five minutes, one will proceed to run down a list of all the possible reasons they should be rejected, as if to say, I know youre gonna reject me, so lets get this outta the way. Before the fist drink is gone or appetizers arrive, theyve shot themselves in the foot. The stunned look on the listeners faces is priceless. I just wanna yell, Shut up, youre ruining it! I offer a drink instead.

There are millions of reasons why things dont work out in relationships. Many are out of your control. But a lot of the time you can sabotage yourselfbeating yourself up far too often and way too earlyto the detriment of yourself, and without doubt any relationship. Those times it was in your control to make the most of the relationship, but you held yourself back. Those times when all you had to do was be yourself, or love yourself enough to let someone else want to love you the same way. These are Self-Defeating Behaviors. Its like closing the bar before last call. Most often, all it takes is an attitude adjustment; changing your mindset from thinking the worst to hoping for the best.

The Bad Review

The biggest way most get in their own way is by being too negativewhether its putting yourself down, thinking negatively about relationships, or having a bad attitude in general. When youre hurting, or uncomfortable with whom you are, its hard to be anything but negative, so you point out your flaws in an effort to beat others to the punch. Nor do you believe others when they see your worth.

Why are the bad things someone says about you always easier to believe than the good? Its because you believe it too. Much the way that confidence is contagious, low self-esteem is also a disease; both can be inflicted on others, but self-defeating behavior is a plague, and anyone smart will find the quickest exit and run for it. Clich as it may sound, youve got to avoid the negatives and embrace the positives to draw in the right people, and most importantly, to make you see yourself in a better light.

Stop Talking

A good foundation is the key to making anything last. You have to love yourself before you can expect anyone else to. So, how do you go about doing that? For starters, stop talking. I mean that to say, wait for it. Wait to see what someone else sees before you volunteer your two cents. You will eagerly volunteer the unattractive qualities first instead of your attractive attributes because thats what your focus is on; you cant help it. Try not saying anything, about yourself. Not saying anything at the very least insures that you wont say anything bad. The conversation should still flow because there are an infinite number of things to talk about, particularly when youre just meeting that someone.

Instead, ask questions about him/her. Two things will occur: you wont be talking about yourself so you dont have the opportunity to put yourself down, and, the other person will appreciate your interest in them, making you appear to be a great listener. (To keep up the appearance, actually listen!) While this may be a deflective tactic, it works, and keeps you from giving off that negative, I-hate-myself-and-heres-why vibe. Inevitably theyll see something good about you that you can elaborate on, positively .