Womens National Basketball Association - My shot: balancing it all and standing tall

To my wife, Amanda,

for giving me the courage to unapologetically be me.

The fog on the journey lifted the day our paths met.

E. D. D.

I hate basketball.

Those three words were the last thing anyone ever expected me to say to myself. After all, Id decided when I was six that I wanted to be the best player in the country, and Id worked toward that goal each day since. In middle school Id forced myself out of bed at six a.m. to runrain or shine, every single dayshot free throws after practice till the sun went down, and then lifted weights at home on weekends. Id been named the nations top female high school recruit during my senior year, and when the media had called me a female LeBron James, Id been honored. Then the University of Connecticutconsidered by many to be the best womens basketball program in the worldhad offered me a full ride, and Id given them an enthusiastic yes. I knew I was one of the best young basketball players in the country, so why was I ready to walk away from all of it? Especially when Id barely given college sports a chance?

Because I hate basketball. And I never want to play again.

It was June 2008, and I was just about to start classes at UConn. Because the womens basketball team trained during the summer, a few days earlier Id driven with my family from Wilmington, Delaware, to Storrs, Connecticut, moved into a dorm, and enrolled in classes for the summer term. That night I was going to meet my teammates on the UConn womens basketball team for the first time. This is what Ive been working for since I could hold a basketball, I told myself. And you cant get any better than UConn.

From the second I kissed my family good-bye, though, I was more miserable than Id ever been in my life. And when I pulled on a T-shirt and a pair of baggy shorts, laced up my shoes, and headed toward a pickup game the seniors had pulled together to welcome all of us, I felt even worse.

Hi, Elena, said one of the captains when I walked up to her and a group of my teammates. Its so good to see you. Welcome. Geno asked me to tell you personally that he hopes youre ready for a great season.

I smiled. I am. Thank you.

Geno Auriemma was the UConn head coach, and he was a basketball legend. Before hed gotten to UConn in 1985, the womens team had had only one winning season. Within two years hed turned the program around, and by 1995, UConn went undefeated and won the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) womens title. Hed led the Huskies to five national championship wins since then and had become one of the most famous coaches in Division I NCAA basketball historyfor women and mens teams. Playing under him wasnt just a privilege; it was an honor. So why did the thought of it make me feel sick?

Because I cant face up to the fact that I cant stand basketball anymore.

Still, I promised myself Id work hard during that first game. My teammates deserved that. They consisted of girls Id met at tournaments around the country, women Id played with at invitationals, and names Id only heard whispered in hushed tones in the locker room. Im 6'5", and I was taller than almost all of them, but there were plenty of six footers on the Husky squad. Off the basketball court, I knew theyd felt different and out of place all their lives, just like me. I knew theyd been stared at. When I was three, someone stopped my mom in the grocery store and said, An eight-year-old shouldnt be using a pacifier! These girls could relate to situations like that. Probably all of them had turned to basketball because it was a safe haven. The court was a place where tall girls werent just normal; we were the stars , and our parents, teachers, and coaches had all lovingly pushed us down a path where we could shine. Basketball was written in our DNA, and we excelled at it. That was why wed made it our life mission. Sure, it was what we told ourselves we were expected to do, but it didnt matter, because we did it so well. We were the best. What could possibly be wrong with that?

Whats wrong is that Im exhausted. Practicing so hard for so long has taken everything out of me.

Plus, I missed my familyterribly. My sister, Lizzie, is six years older than I am. She was born blind and deaf and was diagnosed with cerebral palsy not long after she went home from the hospital. When she was a toddler, doctors discovered she also had autism. Lizzie could understand the outside world only through her senses of touch and smell. A hot, stinky gym and hard bleacher seats make her uncomfortable, so shed been to only a handful of my basketball games. She hadnt seen me make my eightieth consecutive successful free throwa record that still stands todaynor had she heard the screams of the crowd at any of my All-State games. If I did well on the Huskies, shed never know me as one of the best basketball players in college hoops. But that didnt matter. She thought of me as part of her teamand that had nothing to do with basketball.

I miss Lizzie, I thought. If Im here, I cant hold her hands. She cant smell the sweat on me after practice. She cant feel the wind through her hair as we walk around my parents yard. When Im with her, she doesnt expect me to make a perfect shot or a perfect defensive play. Lizzie just wants to love me and spend time with me, and that cant happen if Im at UConn.

I heard a whistle blow, and I grabbed a basketball from the sideline bench and jogged with my brand-new teammates out onto the court. As we circled up, I looked at everyones faces. Some girls were smiling, and some were nervously biting their lips. Some had wide-open eyes, and others were shuffling from one foot to the other. But all of us clutched our basketballs tight, waiting for someone to start talking.

One of the team captains finally broke the silence. There are some new faces and some old familiar ones here today. Some of you have traveled thousands of miles to get here, and others live right down the road. You all come from different places and have different kinds of families, but what ties you together is your passion for basketball. Geno and the entire coaching staff are going to demand that from you all year. More than hard work or natural talent, they want you to have passion .

I listened to her closely, and when she was finished speaking, I dribbled the ball, made a few baskets, and threw myself into the toughest pickup game of my life. When it was over, my muscles were screaming, and I knew Id been physically challenged in a way Id never been in high school. Geno Auriemma and the UConn womens basketball team were ready to demand the mental, emotional, and physical excellence that had made them the best squad in the country, and I understood that if I wanted to give them that, I had to lead with passion.

Deep in my heart, though, I realized the sad truth. Passions not something I can give them, I thought. Ill fake it today and tomorrow, but I really, truly hate this sport. Ive burned out.

After I peeled off my sweaty clothes and stepped into a steaming hot shower, I paused for a minute and made my decision. I was going to quit basketball. Not just for the season but forever. Elena Delle Donne might have been the most sought after and celebrated womens high school basketball recruit in the country, but she was going home.