Neustadt - You Can Have It All, Just Not at the Same Damn Time

Portfolio / Penguin

An imprint of Penguin Random House LLC

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Copyright 2020 by Romi Neustadt

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Neustadt, Romi, author.

Title: You can have it all, just not at the same damn time / Romi Neustadt.

Description: [New York] : Portfolio / Penguin, [2020] | Includes bibliographical references. |

Identifiers: LCCN 2019034472 (print) | LCCN 2019034473 (ebook) | ISBN 9780593085950 (hardcover) | ISBN 9780593085967 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: WomenLife skills guides. | Self-actualization

(Psychology) | SuccessPsychological aspects. | Work-life balance. |

Quality of life. | Work and family.

Classification: LCC HQ1221 .N48 2020 (print) | LCC HQ1221 (ebook) | DDC 305.4dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019034472

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019034473

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For every woman with big dreams who wants to live a fulfilled, authentic life without feeling stressed, exhausted, inadequate, or batshit crazy. This is my love letter to you.

And for the woman Im raising. Bebe, may you always stay true to who you are and go after whats important to you. And always lead with love.

Introduction

We women are suffering from a dangerous and somewhat debilitating condition called unrealistic expectations. We contract it from each other, our critics, our cultural history, the voices in our heads, and Instagram. We walk around with this idea of who were supposed to be, how much were supposed to accomplish, and how were supposed to look while were doing it. Raise kind, smart, well-adjusted kids who make us proud and contribute to society. Build a career thats lucrative and fulfilling and meaningful. Nurture a vibrant and supportive romantic partnership. Maintain flourishing friendships and be a joiner, a doer, and an influencer in our community. Maintain a clean, clutter-free, and inviting home and a healthy weight. And keep up with the ever-growing list of required personal hygiene practices.

Were helping to spread this epidemic by all of us walking around trying to act like everythings OK. Were skillfully juggling all our balls in the air, messy buns perched on our heads in quiet defiance to the laws of scalp oil. Its only when we let our guards down that we admit how we really feel.

Its in our Facebook comments of Yasssss! and Amen! we add to the post that talks about how were barely holding our shit together. Its in the weary glances we give one another as we load our groceries into our trunks, while simultaneously trying to keep our kids from killing each other and accomplish something on a work call. Its in the mass ugly cry that ensues when we get together for a glass of wine, and the conversation turns to how were really feeling.

Were stressed out. We feel like failures. Were not doing the things we really want to do. And were tired. Really fucking tired.

Were trying to Have It All, but were going about it all wrong.

I know this idea has been brutally beat up and called a myth. I almost believed it too. Years ago, when I was in my thirties, I was watching The Oprah Winfrey Show, and my idol Oprah said that it was impossible for women to Have It All. The conversation was about long-term relationships, children, and career. I cant remember who the woman was that she was talking to or the exact words she used, but Oprah argued that its impossible to flourish in all three areas, and she credited her ability to do what shed done because she didnt have kids. That really stuck with me, haunted me even. And I remember thinking at the time, That cant be true. Theres got to be a way to have it all. I love Oprah, but I had to prove her wrong because I refused to accept that my dreams werent possible.

Turns out, my dream life was possible, and Ive worked really hard to figure out how to make it happen. Throughout the last ten years of juggling a marriage, raising two kids, being a helpful daughter to an aging mom, building an eight-figure business, being a somewhat active member of the communities I care about, and keeping myself healthy and able to fit into my jeans, Ive acquired and created the tools to Have It All without going batshit crazy. And Im excited to share them with you in this book.

Ive figured out why this concept has gotten such a bad rap. People have been confusing Having It All with Doing It All. You or I most certainly cannot Do It All. We cant be all things to all people, live a life of Shoulds, have a never-ending to-do list, accomplish what we actually want to during our precious time on Earth, and not be stressed out of our minds, exhausted, or worse. Its not possible.

It is possible, however, to have all the things that are really important to us. How do I know? Because Ive done it, and Ive made it my mission to help other women do it too.

Ive been privileged to spend the last decade working with women of all different backgrounds, ages, shapes, professional pedigrees, and confidence levels. We were all brought together in a common goal of building businesses of our own through a direct sales company thats grown to be the number one skincare brand in North America. Because of my desire to change my life, my tenacity, my love for helping others grow, and a considerable amount of luck, I became a mentor and a coach to tens of thousands of women on our team. And when I wrote a book entitled Get Over Your Damn Self about how to build a business like mine, I got to meet thousands more.

From stay-at-home moms to working out-of-home moms, from badass corporate chicks to small business owners, from new college grads to retired empty nesters, from elementary school teachers to physicians, Ive had the unique opportunity to learn about womens dreams for their lives and their frustration over not realizing them. Theyve shared their short-term goals and long-term big, hairy, audacious ones and all the reasons why they cant reach them. And Ive had a front-row seat to many whove overcome all the reasons why they should fail and instead triumphed, often far beyond what they ever thought was possible.

For years people have told me some variation of the following: I dont know how you do what you do.... Youre superhuman.... I could never do what you do. These expressions of resigned defeat have fueled my other relentless pursuitto help others design the lives they really want too.