Patrick Carnes - In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior
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- Book:In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior
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- Year:2009
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This is the book we've all been waiting for on cybersex. It explains what computer sex is all about and how to get help if it becomes a problem. The personal stories are excellent for assisting clients in relating to this issue.
Joseph M. Amico, M.Div., C.A.S., C.S.A.C.
President, National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity
The authors provide a simple, effective guide for self-evaluation and recovery if cybersex is causing problems.
Pia Mellody
Author, Facing Codependence and Facing Love Addiction
Coauthor, Breaking Free
A much needed resource for professional and lay audiences. An important and timely book about a contemporary problem that is escalating and causing enormous personal, family, and professional distress. The authors are to be commended for clearly articulating how this problem behavior develops and presenting methods for therapeutically addressing it.
Christine A. Courtois, Ph.D.
Author, Healing the Incest Wound and Recollections of Sexual Abuse
Clinical director of the CENTER: Posttraumatic Disorders Program,
Psychiatric Institute of Washington
Once again, Patrick Carnes, with the help of David Delmonico and Elizabeth Griffin, is pushing the frontier of our knowledge of trauma and emptiness, manifesting in addictions. Cybersex addiction is the latest of a myriad of sexual be-haviors in our culture where courtship so often goes awry. The authors' gentle approach to the newest compulsive users and their families is realistic, thorough, knowledgeable, practical, and helpful to all who read it, including those whose Internet use is not a problem. Since sexuality is so very powerful an issue, we must learn to use it wisely, safely, and with discretion, lest it destroy us. In the Shadows of the Net gives us a way to approach it with integrity.
Martha Turner, M.D.
Medical director of the STAR (Sexual Trauma and Recovery) Program
Breaking Free of
Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior
Second Edition
P ATRICK C ARNES , P H .D.
D AVID L. D ELMONICO , P H .D.
E LIZABETH G RIFFIN , M.A.
with J OSEPH M. M ORIARITY
H a Z e LD e N
Hazelden
Center City, Minnesota 55012-0176
1-800-328-0094
1-651-213-4590 (Fax)
www.hazelden.org
2001, 2007 by Hazelden Foundation
All rights reserved. First edition 2001
Second edition 2007
Printed in the United States of America
No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner
without the written permission of the publisher
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Carnes, Patrick, 1944
In the shadows of the net: breaking free of compulsive online sexual behavior / Patrick
Carnes, David L. Delmonico, Elizabeth Griffin; with Joseph M. Moriarity. 2nd ed.
p. cm.
Rev. ed of: In the shadows of the net. C2001.
Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-1-59285-478-3 (softcover)
E-book ISBN: 978-1-59285-786-9
1. Sex addiction. 2. Computer sex. I. Delmonico, David L. II. Griffin, Elizabeth,
1958 III. In the shadows of the net. IV. Title.
RC560.S43I52 2007
616.85'83dc22
2007014156
11 10 09 08 07 6 5 4 3 2 1
Authors' note
Every story in this book is true; however, each has been edited for clarity. Names, locations,
and other identifying information have been changed to protect confidentiality.
Editor's note
The Twelve Steps are reprinted and adapted with permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. (AAWS). Permission to reprint and adapt the Twelve Steps does not mean that AAWS has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, or that AAWS necessarily agrees with the views expressed herein. AA is a program of recovery from alcoholism onlyuse of the Twelve Steps in connection with programs and activities which are patterned after AA, but which address other problems, or in any other non-AA context, does not imply otherwise.
Cover design by Theresa Gedig
Interior design by Elizabeth Cleveland
Typesetting by Prism Publishing Center
Preface
1
The Shadow Side of the Net
2
Do I Have a Problem with Cybersex?
3
Understanding Problematic Sexual Behavior on the Internet
4
What Turns You On? The Arousal Template
5
Courtship Gone Awry
6
Boundaries
7
Taking That First Step
8
Changing the Way You Live
9
Preventing Relapse: Maintaining the Changes You've Made
10
Family Dynamics and Cybersex
11
The Web Frontier
Figures
Since 2001, when this book first was published, the issue of cybersex has taken many new twists and turns. Some we imagined and predicted, others caught us completely by surprise. One aspect that was most surprising was how widespread the issue has become and how many professionals are faced with cybersex issues in their office. We expected that counselors, psychologists, social workers, and law enforcement personnel would need to become more aware of cybersex issues. We didn't, however, imagine we would be consulting with human resource managers, divorce attorneys, and people from the religious community about compulsive online sexual behavior.
Regardless of whether we saw the changes coming or not, we realized it was time to create a new edition of this book for the millions of people struggling with their problematic online sexual behavior. For those of you who read the first edition, you will find updated statistics, new thoughts, and a couple new exercises that address problematic cybersex issues. For those who are reading this book for the first time, you will learn how to determine if you or a loved one has a significant problem with online sex, and the steps you can take to address these issues.
It is our hope that this book continues to be a useful resource for both the professional community as well as individuals (and their families) who struggle with cybersex behavior. Just as it was when the first edition of this book was published, it is impossible to predict the nature and course of cybersex over the coming years. All we really know is that cybersex will continue to change the way we relate to others, and for some it will present a lifelong battle for which we hope to bring a small amount of hope and relief.
P ATRICK C ARNES , P H .D.
D AVID L. D ELMONICO , P H .D.
E LIZABETH G RIFFIN , M.A.
The Shadow Side
of the Net
T HE I NTERNET . This worldwide phenomenon has created a communication and information network unlike anything previously seen. Even inventions such as radio and television have not been as far-reaching as or had the impact of the Internet. There are an estimated 322 million active users of the Internet spread over at least 120 different countries throughout the world. Whatever we wantinformation, goods, connectionswe can find it or do it whenever we want via the Internet. Yes, everything even sex. We can have sex on the Internet whenever we want with exactly the kind of person we want.
Sometimes that creates a problem. The opportunity is too enticing, alluring, fulfilling, immediate, and powerful. So much is available. There are so many options, ones we've only dreamed ofor have yet to dream of! So much opportunity and stimulation is available that it's difficult to control. And hard to stop. For some it is seemingly impossible to stop.
No, the Internet isn't all sunshine and progress. There is the shadow side to the Net. For some people, the pull of cybersex can be so powerful that, like alcohol or other drugs, it's hard to put down and control. The shadowy world of cybersex is overtaking and overwhelming far too many people, undermining careers and upending relationships. And the problem is growing. Worse, it is becoming clear that for some, cybersex becomes a compulsive or an addictive disorder. No one could have forecast that cybersex would have had such an impact.
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