ROBINSON - Too nice for your own good: how to stop making 9 self-sabotaging mistakes

TOO NICE FOR YOUR OWN GOOD . Copyright 1997 by Duke Robinson. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage or retrieval systems, without permission from the publisher in writing, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review. For information address Warner Books, Hachette Book Group, 237 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10017

ISBN 978-0-7595-2205-3

A hardcover edition of this book was published under the title Good Intentions in 1997 by Warner Books.

First eBook Edition: October 2000

Visit our website at www.HachetteBookGroup.com

A how-to book that breaks new ground and shares unexpected new approaches that can open doors to more creative living.

R OBERT M C A FEE B ROWN , professor emeritus,

Theology and Ethics, Pacific School of Religion,

Berkeley, CA

The mistakes described in this book are like the common cold . Duke Robinson has done a masterful job defeating these emotional viruses . Reading this book and taking it seriously could save hundreds of hours in therapy, and its a lot more fun.

D R . R OBERT R. B ALL , executive director,

the State of Californias Self-Esteem Task Force,

and author of Walking on Water

A superb book transforming . In clear and simple language, Dr. Robinson shows how being nice often means living by a tyranny of expectations.

S TANLEY F. H OGLE , former executive director,

Interface-Samaritan Counseling Centers

Highly readable, insightful, and compassionate . Duke Robinson extracts powerful, eminently practical lessons for everyday living from sound psychological principles.

M ARTIN V. C OVINGTON , professor of psychology,

University of California at Berkeley

The wit and wisdom of Duke Robinson is about to become national knowledge . Offers more than analysis . Attention to this very readable book can make a difference in the way we live.

P AUL H. G ERTMENIAN , CEO, Henry Gertmenian Co.

I wish this book had come along earlier in my career . These practical steps toward authenticity help us put our lives in order and feel good about it.

D ARRELL F LOYD , retired human resources manager,

Nissan Motor Corporation, USA

An unsentimental blueprint for complete living as well as a provocation to the highest humanity in all of us.

L EROY A ARONS , founder and board member,

National Gay and Lesbian Journalists Association

and author of Prayers for Bobby

Profound, provocative, and practical . A thoughtful and deeply felt gift to all of us who get caught between the goodness of our hearts and our own naivet.

S HIRLEY N ICE , The Corporate Coach

Robinson seeks to counsel those who find that they often make mistakes while acting from the best of intentions . He helps the reader to identify and overcome these foibles, noting that change may be a long, painful process.

Library Journal

Robinsons nine chapters turn the qualities of niceness inside out: trying to be perfect, taking on too much, not saying what you want, suppressing anger, reasoning with irrationality, telling little lies, giving advice, rescuing others, and protecting those in grief. Sound familiar? He says he can help you get over it without becoming an ogre.

Dallas Morning News

Do-gooders: Heres why you burn out . In his book, Robinson shows how too much of a good thing can lead to emotional and physical exhaustion. His goal is to liberate dogooders from their self-sacrificing bondage.

New Orleans Times-Picayune

Duke Robinsons book on mistakes made by nice people is a big hit. He shows so clearly how niceness keeps us from growing and dealing honestly with one another.

Presbyterian Outlook

To Barbara,

with whom I have worked on my niceness for more than forty years of marriage, whose separate sense of self allowed both of us to survive the writing of this book, and to whom I owe so much more than I am able to see or appreciate.

To Margo, Andrew, Steve, and Stuart,

our grown children, who are their own persons in spite of any nice behaviors we modeled while they were young, whom we love very much, and whose love and families bring us much joy.

Some insights in this book emerged decades ago as I pursued my formal education. Others came over nearly forty years of reading, teaching, counseling, and leading seminars on human consciousness and behavior. Some of these sources are lost from memory. A few that Ive retained stand out.

I trace the key phrase accepting your acceptance to Harvard theologian Paul Tillich, certain ideas found in the second chapter to time-management expert Alan Lakein, the I message paradigm in the fourth chapter to Thomas Gordon and his book Parent Effectiveness Training, the five steps in the grief process listed in the ninth chapter to the death and dying pioneer Elisabeth Kbler-Ross, and the radical distinction between protecting and supporting the bereaved, also in that chapter, to fellow clergyman William Sloan Coffin. I acknowledge my debt to these creative thinkers.

For twenty-eight years, until July 1996, I served as pastor of the Montclair Presbyterian Church of Oakland, California. All that time it provided me a loving and intellectually stimulating community. It also granted the sabbaticals that enabled me to get this book off the ground. I am deeply grateful for these gifts.

My church staff colleagues were most supportive as I put the book together, especially John Hadsell, our Theologian in Residence, whose encouragement and literary criticism proved invaluable. Our secretary, Judy Fletcher, handled my copying needs efficiently. I deeply appreciate their contributions.

I also want to thank a contract group at the church that met with me for ten sessions in 1992 to discuss the behaviors I cover in this book and critique some of my earliest drafts: Doug Ferguson, Bill Ferrier, Margot Lyon, Eloise Gilland, Lloyd and Rita Perry, Marjorie Rawls, Raphael Shevalev, Linda Streb, and Jack York.

I am grateful, too, to friends Mimi Loyd, Polly Orr, and Dave Rudd, who reviewed the manuscript at various stages. And to Vern and Gloria Alexander, Hazel Angell, John Barr, Janet Clyde, Dale and Elsie Cooper, Robin Crawford, Parry Dent, Karen Flamme, Eleanor Gertmenian, Virginia Hadsell, Louise Hermanson, Robert Hirni, David Hyde, Sally Juarez, Wally Kelly, Minda Lucero, Marna McKenzie, Joy Palmerlee, Norm and Enid Pott, Dean and Dorothy Skanderup, David Vandre, and Guy Wulfing, all of whom, at various times, offered support or constructive criticism related to their personal experience or professional expertise.

I want to thank my literary agent, Laurie Harper of the Sebastian Agency, San Francisco, who both affirmed the books strengths and told me what simply wouldnt do. Her savvy, moxie, and the widespread respect she enjoys from major publishing houses had a lot to do with getting the book into print. I also couldnt have done without her personal and professional attention that prepared me to face the sometimes terrifying publishing process.

Special thanks also go to Susan Suffes, my editor at Warner Books, who believed in this book immediately and whose care and professional skill helped make it better. I am deeply grateful for her availability, great energy, and support as she carefully led me, step by step, through the publishing labyrinth.

Many unnamed people helped give shape to this book. Some of them dont know it. Some of them I cant identify. I offer them, whoever and wherever they are, my heartfelt appreciation.