Sorensen - I hear you: the surprisingly simple skill behind extraordinary relationships

Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something.

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Are you from around here?

I grew up in California but Ive lived here for the past fifteen years. You?

I had just picked this woman up for a first date and we were headed to a local frozen yogurt shop. Shed had a long day at work and I figured Id keep it short and casualtake a half hour, get to know her a little better, and ask her out for the weekend if all went well.

Typical small talk ensued, but I immediately felt like she didnt want to be there. It seemed like more than just disinterestshe felt closed off. She was slouched back in her chair; gave short, almost inaudible answers; and kept looking around as if searching for a clock or an excuse to leave.

When Id first met her a week prior, she had been friendly, outgoing, and amazingly chipper. The woman sitting across from me now, though, was anything but. It didnt seem to matter what I said or what I asked her about; she made it quite obvious that she wasnt in the mood to talk.

I continued trying to keep the conversation afloat for another ten minutes or so before finally giving up. We hopped back in my car and headed back. As we drove, I asked about her family. She paused for a moment, then indicated that it was a sensitive subject. Ah, I thought, that might explain things. I expected her to just leave it at that, but, to my surprise, she began to open up.

My parents are in the middle of a divorce, she said.

Oh... I replied, suddenly feeling tremendous compassion for her, Im so sorry.

Its okay, she muttered, putting on a pretty unconvincing tough-girl face. Im fine.

Uh... no? Having your parents divorce isnt fine, I said. Thats got to be incredibly hard.

Yeah, it actually really sucks, she quickly confirmed, letting go of her faade.

And then on top of it, I just found out that my dad is getting married to another woman and Im not even invited to the wedding. They just separated like a month ago! she said.

Are you serious?

Yeah. It sucks. He sends money occasionally but it just feels like a slap in the face, like he thinks money will fix everything. Like he thinks he can just move on and leave me and my mom behind. And then suddenly I hear that hes getting married in Hawaii on top of it all, and his children arent even invited?!

Wow... I said, feeling a mix of shock, anger, and sadness.

I listened as she continued to talk for several more minutes, venting and becoming surprisingly open and honest with me. After a brief pause, I spoke up.

Ah, Rachel, Im so sorry. Honestly, I cant say I know exactly how you feel, because I dont. I havent had to deal with divorce. And I can only imagine how painful that must be.

She didnt outwardly acknowledge my comment, but she appeared noticeably more comfortable and continued to talk.

And you know whats worse? When your best friend tells you that you just need to smile because itll help you feel better.

I shook my head in disapproval. Like that helps, I said with empathic sarcasm.

Seriously! she continued. And other people say similar things! It could be worse, or youll get over it eventually. Im not stupid. I know Ill get over it eventually. But thats not what I want to hear right now.

Thats so frustrating, I said. Thats the last thing you want to hear when youre going through something like this.

YES, she sighed.

For the next hour, we sat in the dim lighting of my car as Rachel completely opened up to me. On top of the divorce, she had been in a car accident just weeks prior (remarkably escaping unscathed), and her younger sister had just been diagnosed with cancer. Divorce, a major car wreck, and a sister with cancerall in a month. And I sensed this was the first time she was really opening up about it all to anyone.

As we talked, I did what I could to show her that I recognized how she was feeling. Not just that I was listening to her stories and feeling sorry for her, but that I was connecting with her experience. That I saw her pain, and wasnt going to try to fix it, offer advice, or tell her to move on. In that moment, all I could do was help her see that her hurt, anger, and confusion was okay. It was understandable. She had every right toand very much needed to feel it.

As our evening came to a close, she paused for a moment. Thank you, she said. Im sorry for throwing all that on you. I guess I just havent really felt like I could talk to anyone about it. This is the first time in a long time that Ive actually felt some relief.

I thanked her for being so open with me and walked her to her apartment. As I got back in my car, I sat for several minutes, thinking back on what had just happened. What started as an awkward, one-sided, thirty-minute date ended up being an amazingly connecting and powerful experience. Not only did this new acquaintance come to feel safe confiding in me, I came to feel a very real sense of love, care, and compassion for her. In an hour. Now Im obviously not referring to romantic love here, but the feeling of seeing and caring about someone on a deeper level. Later that night, I wrote the following in my journal:

It was so amazing to see how she just opened up, how she felt safe, and how she, I believe, felt my love for her because I knew how to validate her. I could tell it was like a breath of fresh air. That she could finally breathe. That she felt heard and understood .

That experience was a turning point for me. I saw more clearly than ever before just how powerful validation could be and I was beyond excited.

I first learned about validationwhich is, in essence, the act of helping someone feel heard and understoodfrom my therapist and life coach. I met with her twice a week, in both one-on-one and group settings, over the course of several years, and worked through everything from work drama to relationship issues to day-to-day stressors. Her approach to counseling and coaching focused on teaching people how to live honest, powerful, and connected lives. (Side note: Im now of the opinion that everyone should have a good therapist. Seriously. Life-changing). I quickly found myself waist deep in principles and practices that ran counter to how the majority of the world lives their lives, and the more I practiced them, the more confident and connected I became. Validating, as you may have guessed, is one of those practices.