Wenham-Jones - 100 ways to fight the flab: the wannabe guide to a better bottom

100 WAYS TO FIGHT THE FLAB

The Wannabe Guide to a Better Bottom

Jane Wenham-Jones

Published by Accent Press Ltd 2013

ISBN 9781909520189

Copyright 2013 Jane Wenham-Jones

The right of Jane Wenham-Jones to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be copied, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, electrostatic, magnetic tape, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the written permission of the publishers:

Accent Press Ltd, The Old School, Upper High St,

Bedlinog, Mid-Glamorgan CF46 6RY

Introduction
Yes, my bum looks big in this

I am probably not thin enough to be writing a diet book. Which is why this isnt one. Dont they all say that!

The writers of diets do their best to avoid the word. They may call it an Eating Plan, a Whole New Approach, or put the emphasis on a change of Lifestyle. But scratch the surface and underneath theyve all got the same bad news. Youve got to stop eating anything nice!

Typically, theres a skinny bird on the front cover, or some mumbo jumbo science on the back and a strap line telling you youll never be deprived. They use words like permanent and healthy. They tell you that, after reading these particular pearls of wisdom, you need never go on a diet again

At this point, you know its going to be bunkum. Do these fine works, on any of their 350 pages (largely comprised of repeating themselves), ever recommend sitting down with a bottle of Chablis and a packet of Kettle Chips? Do they suggest on Day Four of Lose A Stone and Never Feel Hungry that a Danish pastry is the way to go? Any mention of it being just fine to mop up fourteen cold chips and half a fish finger from the kids plates?

Whichever way you look at it, it is all about cutting down.

Books like that occasionally allow a Daily Treat. One fun-sized Mars Bar, say, or a small glass of dry white wine.

Whats fun about a chocolate bar an inch long? Where is the point in ONE glass of wine?

Were not stupid. However much we may bluster about slow metabolisms and big bones and layers of lard running in the family, even those of us (me) with absolutely zilch in the understanding-science department, can secretly grasp the basic equation regarding portions in and expenditure of energy out. Namely:

If what goes in is greater than what goes out, you get fat.

If what goes in equals what goes out, you stay the same (this may equal above).

If what goes in is less than the sum of what goes out you get thin (hurrah!).

Though maybe not hurrah for long, because, they hasten to tell us, the moment you go back to eating anything at all that you like, youll be waddling again. Whole volumes have been written about how, when you drastically reduce your calories, your body thinks its starving (and so do you!) and your metabolism slows down so it can start conserving fat.

Then, the minute you start collapsing with malnutrition and fall on a doughnut, it packs it away in a nice wobbly deposit on your bum before you can say: GI index!

Depressing innit?

Thats why theres all this emphasis on a change of lifestyle. Its short-hand for never, ever, eat what you really want, again.

I am here to tell you, you can. I am here to save you!

I am not super-thin but neither am I morbidly obese. Which, considering my unhealthy career choice (not for nothing did I coin the term Writers Bottom), vast consumption of wine, crisps and chocolate and somewhat erratic approach to exercise, is a small miracle.

Depending on which set of charts I use and how much I fudge my height, I am generally within normal parameters; I have a BMI of 22 ish, a hip to waist ratio that passes muster with the medical profession and there was a day, once, when I was wearing black and the sort of underwear that crushes your internal organs, when I was even described as slim.

I am at the sort of weight where if you dress cleverly, hold your stomach in and make sure no one snaps you with a wide-angled lens, you can get by without anybody thinking youre too much of a fat moo (heavy weekend on the peanuts, a badly cut dress and the skinniest friend in tow: different story).

If I need to, I can quickly lose half a stone, and the rest of the time, there are small steps I take to keep that writers backside at bay.

I am going to share these with you here.

As a disclaimer, I must point out that I am not a nutritionist, or a doctor and if you are truly obese and needing three airline seats there is little I can do except to suggest you think about a gastric band and don't wear white leggings.

But if your arse is merely on the large side and youre feeling a little podgy round the edges, welcome to my world.

Let us first comfort ourselves with the fact that whoever said that older women had to choose between their figure or their face was spot on. A bit of fat makes you look younger.

Let us also hail the research that says a big bottom can be a healthy life choice: those with plenty of gluteofemoral fat thats a lard arse to you and me are set for a riper old age than those with a ballooning belly.

Let us remember that Marilyn Monroe was famously a size sixteen. And that just because you dont get mistaken for Kate Moss it doesnt mean youre an elephant with a weight issue.

But we all want to shape up from time to time after Christmas and Easter; before the summer; when a weddings coming up or your thin friend is having a party; any time one needs to bare arms.

Or a least, we want to look as if we have.

These tips may help.

100 Ways to Fight the Flab

1 Eat chocolate

I am serious. Although were talking a few squares, not the whole supermarket shelf. Keep a bar of the dark stuff close by for when the hunger pangs hit between meals. Choose high quality chocolate at least 70% cocoa content and preferably 85%. (Green & Blacks is good bring on the product placement?). My exhaustive research has revealed that chocolate contains stearic acid which slows digestion and also tryptophan, an essential amino acid that stimulates the production of serotonin a natural anti-depressant in the brain. This means that a few squares will not only take a significant edge off your appetite, and leave you feeling fuller for longer, but will cheer you up as well (necessary if youve planned to diet and are facing the prospect of cutting out butter and not drinking).

2 Cut out butter and quit drinking

I am joking bread without butter is beyond the pale and as for a plain baked potato What you could do if you want to feel virtuous is have low-fat cream cheese mixed into your potato instead of the hard stuff and swap that glass of wine for a vodka or gin with slimline tonic. A method guaranteed to cut the calories but still let you fall over.

3 Get a dog

I have noticed that a lot of people who should, by rights, be fatter than they are, have a mutt that they walk in rain and shine. I am more of a cat person. I find dogs too time-consuming, too needy, too fond of licking their testicles and then wanting to do the same to my face. I am also squeamish about picking up warm poo. But there is no doubt at all that taking regular brisk walks is an excellent way of keeping the weight under control and ones thighs and bum toned.

4 Borrow a dog

This is a good compromise. I enjoy taking out Kenzo, a black Labrador belonging to my friend Lyn-Marie. Kenzo and I have an arrangement. He does a poo in the garden before we leave and I take him to all the muddy places where hes not usually allowed. I also have an arrangement with Lyn-Marie. Should Kenzo ever let me down, I will phone her on her mobile and she will send one of the children to clear up.