Tower Jeremiah - Table manners how to behave in the modern world and why bother

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To all those parents who care, and to any of their offspring who want to know. As well as to anyone else who is interested in how to behave to everyones advantage.

Do table manners really matter? In his 1961 Tiffanys Table Manners for Teenagers , Walter Hoving says, In this day of confused standards, manners are sometimes sadly neglected. This is especially true of table manners. I would go further and say: if there are no table manners, there are no manners at all.

Still, once learned, they should never become a rigid set of rules. They should never, as Hoving says, be stilted, self-conscious, or artificial, but should forever adapt, though without losing their purpose: to help you get what you want out of life by doing unto others as they would have you do. When I opened Stars restaurant in San Francisco in 1984, I knew that manners would let me gain access into the circles of the wealthy and social elite of that community, to rally and enlist them as regular customers. Their shock at seeing that a cook knew how to behave produced enough curiosity that they were soon flocking to see what I had created. Good table manners meant I was all right, and, therefore, my business must be.

I have found that when people approve of your table manners they think you know how to do everything else properly as well. That is how you enlist them to your side, which is why Table Manners opens with a chapter called Setting the Table. Here you will learn to manage the stage for your success. From there the book guides you through what to wear, how to serve, how to eat those pesky foods that cry out for fingers, what guarantees success at your and others parties, and how to deal with eating in restaurants, both as a host and as a guest.

Table Manners is organized to give you manners for all dining challenges, including how to handle technology at the table. The chapter Techiquette tackles the problems caused by treating your cell phone as your dearest table companion and gives advice on balancing good manners with the realities of contemporary life and its ever-present demands for online communication. This chapter points out also that technology actually hasnt changed things as much as people think it has, and that the technology-induced makeover of our society is never an excuse for bad manners. Its not so much checking your e-mail thats rude; its the fact that youve ceased paying attention to those with whom you are breaking bread.

The whole point of manners, especially table manners, is the opposite of pretension. The chapter following Techiquette, Pretentious or Not?, shows that when any behavior makes other people uncomfortable, its the behavior that needs to change, not the people.

In a world of increasing global travel, it is important to point out that, once you step on an international flight, many of the specifics of these first chapters no longer apply. The final chapter deals with table manners around the world.

Throughout, as appropriate, Ive provided guidance for host and guest. Table manners are a two-way streetits up to everyone to keep things running smoothly.

This book should be viewed as less about rules and more about suggestions. The world changes. But the general principle of good table manners will never change. You are always correct and safe from any embarrassing gaffes if you remember the Platinum Rule: do unto others as they would have you do.

Built-in confidence. Panic removed.

A properly set table establishes the tone of the party. Its the guests clue that the host is prepared, that everything is under control, and that the party promises to be a good one. The table tells guests what kind of meal to expectformal or casualand how many courses there will be, so they can save room as they wish. Which fork or wineglass to pick up? The way the table is set is the guide.

When you look down at the table and see more than four knives, forks, or spoons in a row, you may be in trouble. You are eating with old money, or new who have hired an old-money butler. Dont panic. The safe thing to remember is to use whatever knife, fork, or spoon is on the outside and work your way in. With luck, those choices will coincide with the courses.

A thoughtful table setting puts the host at ease, too. When everything necessary is already on the table or within reach, the host can relax. He or she wont have to keep jumping up to get something the guests want, and the guests are saved from needing to make uncomfortable interruptions, like asking for salt and pepper, which is an obvious public announcement that they think the food is lacking proper seasoning.

Setting the table thoughtfully, completely, and beautifully helps guarantee a relaxed and enjoyable party.

Good clothes open all doors.

Thomas Fuller, seventeenth-century English clergyman

You dont have to be the best dressed, but you certainly dont want to be the worst. That being said, buying famous brands doesnt make you famous. Your own personal style and the behavior that supports it will do much more for your overall appearance than how much money you spend.

As the turn-of-the-century English actress Mrs. Patrick Campbell said, My dear, I dont care what they do, so long as they dont do it in the street and frighten the horses. Good guidance for almost all social behavior, including what to wear.

IN ADVANCE

Dress Codes

Knowing what kind of event you are attending and what the host expects is the key to wearing the right thing. Hosts: informing your guests in advance whats expected will save them potential embarrassments and make for a much smoother and therefore enjoyable event.

WHERE

Casual Dinner

As long as you remember that casual does not mean sweatpants, any clothes that make you look stunning and feel comfortable can never fail to work.

Cocktail Party

The exact definition of cocktail attire is murky at best, but it probably doesnt mean jeans, unless you are positive that everyone will be wearing them. A good host will be a little more specific. A guest in doubt can ask the host in advance.

Corporate Lunch or Dinner

Dress up a bit when the host is the boss or the lunch is in the corporate boardroom. You may be judged ambitious for wearing what will impress the boss, but that works a lot better than being seen as unaware or sloppy.

Formal Dinner

Often means black tie and evening gowns. When it doesnt, a simple black dress will work for women. For men, a dark suit with or without a tie, depending on the age and background of the host. There are those who still think you can only wear solid-color shirts at night, not striped. I am not one of them.