Heather Land - A perfect 10: The Truth About Things Im Not and Never Will Be

ALSO BY HEATHER LAND

I Aint Doin It

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Copyright 2020 by Heather Land

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First Howard Books hardcover edition October 2020

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Jacket and author photographs by Daniel White

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Land, Heather, author.

Title: A perfect 10 : the truth about things Im not and never will be / Heather Land.

Other titles: Perfect ten

Description: First Howard Books hardcover edition. | New York : Howard Books, 2020. | Identifiers: LCCN 2019059972 (print) | LCCN 2019059973 (ebook) | ISBN 9781982104184 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781982104207 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: Land, Heather. | ComediansUnited StatesBiography. | Conduct of lifeHumor.

Classification: LCC PN2287.L2465 A3 2020 (print) | LCC PN2287.L2465 (ebook) | DDC 818/.602dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019059972

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2019059973

ISBN 978-1-9821-0418-4

ISBN 978-1-9821-0420-7 (ebook)

Have you ever been in the ocean and looked around to realize you are a little too far away from where you started? And the harder you kick, the farther away the swell takes you? Lets get one thing straight. I have known swells. Mostly water retention. Like my ankles that one time I gained eighty pounds during my second pregnancy. I looked like I had swallowed eighty pounds of Little Debbie Star Crunch. Because I had. The swelling was off the charts. My nose just blended in with my cheeks; there was no distinction. I was unrecognizable. I have known some swelling.

And we all know that monthly water-retention swelling, dont we, girls? Help it. I have known heat and humidity all my stinkin life in the South. The swelling (and boob sweat) that comes with summer in the South aint no joke.

How about that one time I went on a retreat with my (ex-)in-laws and (ex-)husband and got so nervous that my body reacted in a totally crazy way. There was no other explanation for it but a good ol case of the nerves. My bottom lip was so swollen that I couldnt talk or close my mouth. I made swole-up Will Smith in Hitch look like a supermodel. I had to hide outforced to stay indoors alone. Which, lets be honest, was my goal in the first place. I set my sights on achieving that goal, and I crushed it!

I wish I was using the adjective swell like they did on The Brady Bunch when I describe past seasons of my life. As in Everything about my marriage was swell. Or Dating in my forties is going swell. Stop right there. Swell could never describe either of those seasons of my life. Thats not the kind of swelling I am talking about.

There were times I didnt think I would be able to stay on top of the water. Kicking my legs, gasping for air, inhaling large gulps of water into my throat. Surely I would die out there. Surely no one would find me. There was so much rocky water that no ship would dare set sail. And I was floating in it. No one would choose that course. No one would chart my course for me. I had to do it myself.

Isnt that how life works? Being knocked around by waves that you can see coming a mile away? Its never the immediate storms around us. Its the waves that are a result of distant weather. Distant choices. Past warning signs that we overlooked. Old heart wounds that went unattended. Unconscious beliefs and biases that rear their ugly heads when you need them not to.

Most of you probably already know this from my first book. Oh, you didnt read it? Shame on you. It can still be purchased where books are sold. This I Aint Doin It journey has taken me on a wild ride. What started as a dare has turned out to be the stupidest, most pivotal time of my life. I was perfectly content for the time being, sitting behind my desk from eight to five. I had finally recovered from divorce and was finding my sea legs when I posted my first sarcastic video to social media. The viral onslaught that overtook my life and forced me to make the choice between my desk job and a career in comedy was something I never saw coming.

Besides all that, posting that first video on Facebook while I was a single fortysomething was not the ideal way to enter the online-dating scene. But as we all know, social media is the great equalizer. It takes a nobody (me) and thrusts them into a world of entertainment. What in the actual h-e-double-hockey-sticks just happened? I went from sitting down at a desk to doing stand-up faster than you can say Jeff Foxworthy.

Sounds easy, right? Sounds like it was handed to me on a silver platter. Well, I do recognize that comedians and writers work their entire lives for an opportunity like the one I have been given. I acknowledge that, and I am incredibly thankful.

I would also like to acknowledge that there is no way I would have signed up for this gig. I would have been petrified to talk into a microphone for more than one minute. Sing? Oh, yeah, if you want me to sing, I am your girl. But tell jokes? Naw, I am good.

I barely knew how to build a life as a single mom to two teenagers, much less as a traveling, entertaining single mom. I had no idea what I would talk about on a stage. I am just a simple, small-town Southern girl who grew up with some turmoil in her life, addiction in her home, poor life choices, deeply religious roots, and utter disdain for stupid people and Walmart. Move along, folks, nothing to see here. Just me trying to joke my way through life to avoid a permanent come-apart.

So thats when I decided to get up onstage and air out my dirty laundry. Because thats what we all want: to hear other peoples real-life stories that make us feel human. We all want to know that someone survived the swell. We want to know that its OK to laugh. Life is serious enough. And personally, I am offended by it.

This crazy ride has helped me shed some shackles I did not know I had. Its forced me to acknowledge the crap that I havent wanted to deal with. Its forced me to get over myself. And I had to get over youyour opinion of me. I had to face comments from strangers who voiced their thoughts about my life and my humor. I had to work through my people-pleasing upbringing and decide who grown-up Heather was going to be.

I have made a life off of four little words: I Aint Doin It Well, technically, that is five words, but my Ivy League grammar allows me to shorten my flagship phrase to only four words by using a contraction.