Table of Contents
Just Your Type
Other Books by the Authors
Do What You Are
Nurture by Nature
The Art of SpeedReading People
Just Your Type
Create the Relationship You've Always Wanted Using the Secrets of Personality Type
Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger
Little, Brown & Company Boston New York London
Copyright 2000 by Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review.
First eBook Edition: June 2003
Hachette Book Group, 237 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10017
Visit our Web site at www.HachetteBookGroup.com.
ISBN: 978-0-7595-2425-5
Text design by Joyce C. Weston
This is dedicated to the one I love.
PDT & BBT
If you don't like someone, the way he
holds his spoon will make you furious;
if you do like him, he can turn his plate
over into your lap and you won't mind.
Irving Becker
Acknowledgments
As with any book project, there are many, many people to recognize and thank for their support, encouragement, and assistance. This book is certainly no exception. We start by thanking the thousands of people who visited our Web site to take part in the extensive research project to gather data for this book. Thank you for your time, candor, and generosity in sharing your thoughts and experiences with us. Next, we are grateful to the hundreds of couples who allowed us to poke around in their relationships by participating in the in-depth interviews. It was a privilege and honor for us, and we thank you for sharing the joys and the frustrations of your relationships. We promised everyone anonymity, so we won't list your names here, but we are grateful beyond words, and we wish you all the best of luck and happiness.
There are also dozens of people who actively helped us recruit research participants, and their contributions and assistance were invaluable. They are Sandra Hirsch, Jane Kise, Linda Berens, Nicky Bredeson, Tom Carskadon, Jamie Johnson, John Golden, Steve Buttner, John Beck, Peggy Holtman, John Madigan, Gary Hartzler, Don Johnson, Susan Brock, Terry Duniho, Jean Whitney, Richard Grant, Sarah McNaughton, Sarah Sharman, Lou Loomis, Joyce Yarrow, Alice Gould, Glenn Orkin, Ed McKeon, Henry Milan, Robin Holt, Rona Branson, Bill Murray, Donna Denoon, Scott Blanchard, Jerry Vastano, Kevin Harrington, Irwin Nussbaum, John Knerling, James Francis, Ralph Braithwaite, Rhonda LoBruto, Eleta Jones, Carol Pfeiffer, Sandra Morgan, Gerry MacDaid, Margaret Fields, Bill Haddock, Mary and Brian Twillman, Pat Swain, Sue Scanlon, Phyllis Reeds, Tad Graham-Hadley, Lou Sanders, Madeleine and Bill Swain, Peter Grandy, Alice Noyes, Sue Lucas, Helen Barron, and all the Association for Psychological Type (ATP) chapter coordinators.
We especially thank John Cubeta, Ph.D., our friend and colleague, for his assistance with the design and analysis of the survey. He crunched many a number and created uncounted charts and graphs to help us make sense of all the data we collected. And we are so grateful to our good friend Bert Miller, for his brilliant mind, the great survey design, and his superb Web master wizardry. But mostly we thank him for his constant friendship, support, and love.
We recognize again and always the people who have taught us so much about Personality Type through the years, including Mary McCaulley, Gordon Lawrence, Sue Scanlon, Terry Duniho, and Naomi Quenk. We are grateful to our many therapist friends for their advice and suggestions: Ruth Hofstatter, Ginger Blume, Nicky Bredeson, Francie Brown, Linda Chase Wayman, Barbara Hollender, and Jane Kimball.
We're grateful to our editor, Amanda Murray, and our other friends at Little, Brown, including Sarah Crichton, Carl Lennertz, Sairey Luterman, Jane Comins, Katie Long, and Gary Strauss. And we especially thank our great literary agent, Kit Ward, for her continued encouragement, support, and advice. Thanks for pushing us to write this book.
And we again thank our families and friends for their support and patience: Bob Baumwoll and Martha Heller, Jimmy and Trina Stafford, Joel Lavenson and Crista Cooper, George and Nancy Bacall, Jesse Stoner and Larry Zemel, Bob and Susan Stern, Kip Kolesinskas and Lesley Schurmann, Christy and John Burrmann, Evan Williams and Greig Shearer, La Donna Carlson, Marilyn and Mel Gallant, Don and Genie Street, Paul Chill and Brigid Donohue, Carolyn Koch, Gerry and Jan Smyth, Vera and Tony Tosoni, Gail and Ken Beare, Sheila and Irwin Nussbaum, Vincent and Kathleen Trantolo, Joan and Dave Kingdon, Ruth Hofstatter and Paul Selwyn, Jude Kauffman and Steve Kemper, Wendy and Rob Benson, Nina and Evan Fox, Jane and Ted Carroll, Robyne Watkin and Mark Anson, Thona McEnroe, Janet Penley, Daniel Oppenhiem and Julia TenEck, Cheryl Greenberg and Dan Lloyd, Keats and Joe Jarmon, Amy Mazur, Trisha and Dave Livingstone, Sue Piquera, Nancy Aronie, Greg and Cathy Garant, Marc and Judy Tieger, and Debbie Barron.
And, finally, thanks to our children, Danny and Kelly, for their endless love, enthusiasm, and patience during this very long writing process.
PART ONE
The Secret to Making Love Work
"I used to think my wife was just shy and needed to grow out of it. Now I respect her need to be alone, and I get some of my needs for action and socializing met on my own."
"We're both very careful with our relationship. We're never hurtful or impulsive. There's real security in knowing what to expect."
"My husband forces us to really discuss things and as a result, our relationship is much more meaningful and satisfying."
"We're not a 'warm and fuzzy' couple. We both really like the fact that this isn't a security blanket kind of relationship."
"Our challenge is to be present with one another. We each get seized by an idea and disappear inside our respective heads with it."
"One time I just mentioned that I wished we had a shelf above the washing machine. That night, my partner stayed up late and built one. No discussion he just did it!"
Chapter 1
"You Say Tomato, I Say Tomahto"
Susan and Jeff thought they were perfect for each other. They met in college, enjoyed some of the same interests, came from similar backgrounds, and married after both had had time to establish their careers. Although they knew they were different in many ways, they felt a powerful attraction that they attributed to those very differences. Jeff was enthusiastic, outgoing, and creative; Susan was gentle, down-to-earth, and responsible. Each balanced the other's weaknesses, and together they complemented each other's strengths. But a few months after they were married, their bliss began to fade, replaced by a low-grade, constant tension. Susan's traditional nature surfaced. She was a conservative person at heart and wanted a stable, predictable life. Hardworking, quiet, and extremely diligent with all her commitments, she planned carefully for the future, saved their money to buy nice things, and was eager to settle down and raise a family in the town where she'd grown up. But Jeff was the quintessential Renaissance man constantly reinventing himself and talking about his many creative ideas. A natural entrepreneur who kept busy developing new ventures often on a shoestring Jeff was outgoing, flexible, insightful about people, and curious about new experiences. Far from wanting to settle down, he longed to travel the globe with Susan, learning as much as he could about other cultures.
