Amelia Wood - Whats Your F*cking Sign?

How much easier would your life be if you had insider info on what makes people tick? Wouldnt you feel better knowing that your coworker keeps dropping the ball because theyre a scatterbrained Sagittarius and not because they live to piss you off? Or that your brothers so fucking chill all the time because hes an even-tempered Libra?

I knowit sounds crazy. But this shit is magic. Knowing a persons zodiac sign really can give you the edge in understanding how to deal with the people in your life. How do you get Taurus to spice things up in bed? Respect for prep time. When should you approach your Cancerian boss with your big idea? When you have doughnuts. Why cant Gemini make a fucking decision? Blame their hamster. Astrology has an answer for everything.

Keep in mind that a persons sun sign is just the tip of the informational iceberg. A lot depends on not just their birthday, but also their time of birth down to the fucking minute . If you can get that kind of info from your boss/friend/date without sounding like a fucking psychopath, more power to you. In the meantime, just start here.

Whats Your F*cking Sign? helps you find the best ways to relate to your managers, coworkers, love interests, friends, and family by spilling all the tea on their astrological makeup. Screw your skepticismjust give it a read. Youll be amazed at how helpful this shit is.

AKA

The Ram

BIRTHDAY

March 21April 19

SIGNS

Fire | Cardinal | Masculine

RULED BY

Mars

ON A GOOD DAY

Passionate, Fearless, Independent

ON A BAD DAY

Impulsive, Selfish, Stubborn

FAMOUSLY ARIES

Vincent van Gogh, Chance the Rapper, Lady Gaga

The first thing you have to know about Aries is that they have zero chillbut thats not a bad thing. The adventurous go-getters born under this sign win gold medals, start businesses, take to the streets for good causes, and generally get amazing shit done. They also cant sit still for two consecutive fucking minutes, have no patience for speed bumps, and refuse to lose (and if they do, its not done gracefully). That means that you can often find these fearless folks barreling headfirst into the unknown like cartoon rams with anger-management issues. But, armed with the right info, you can help bring out the best in Aries, and their best is pretty fucking incredible.

Aries isnt just a boss. Aries is the boss. The phrase fearless leader has never applied to any sign more than this one. Aries are just built for it. (And they fucking know it.) Aries bosses are crystal clear about what they want, never second-guessing their course. And because theyre so damn capable and optimistic, you cant help but fall into line behind them. That energy is intoxicating! Sure, their expectations can run a little high. (Like, Snoop Dog high.) But they can also be passionate and magnanimous bosses that make going to work pretty fucking exciting.

This sign is all about challenging the norm and creating change. But with so many bold ideas of their own and no time to waste, Aries isnt here for your long-ass PowerPoint presentations. When youve got something to say, get straight to the fucking point. Drop the bomb, ask for the raise, make your argument, and stand your damn ground. Aries bosses respect courage, so show them that inner badass. And dont be discouraged if they lose their shit. They just need a minute to adjust to the notion that not all great ideas originate with them.

With Aries, sucking up will get you nowhere. (Thank God. Who wants to be that guy?) Instead, the best way to impress an Aries boss is to be just as fearless and dynamic as they are. When they come up with a new initiativewhich will be every other damn day, because their beautiful mind is always at workmake big plays. When you have an idea, come at them with the mic drop and be ready to back up its worth (succinctly). Aries is all about the hustle, and they respect the hell out of independent thinkers like them. But it cant hurt if you happen to make them look good while youre at it.

You know how Wile E. Coyote is so focused on killing the Roadrunner that he ends up flattened by his own Acme-brand anvil? Yeah, Aries feels that. Eternal optimism combined with intense focus can make these folks a little shortsighted, so you need to be their eyes (and sense of fucking reason). When you see Aries going off the rails, avoid bruising their ego. Fix things on the DL or take your boss aside to have a quick and quiet chat. With Aries, you have to pick your battles and find ways to give them a win. (Oh, and never, ever get in their face. It will not end well for you.)

HOW AN ARIES BOSS FIRES YOU

You: Im just not feeling as though our office environment is open to new ideas and opinions.

Aries: Youre right. No one should feel uncomfortable in their environment. Id encourage you to find a job in another one.

You: No, I just mean

Aries: Best of luck!

Teaming up with Aries? Get ready to feel unstoppable! Whether theyre giving the orders or executing them, Aries is a fucking force to be reckoned with. And that confidence is delightfully contagious. But rolling with Aries means riding shotgunthese natural-born leaders need to be in the drivers seat if theyre going to do the impossible (which is always their M.O.). Show them they can count on you, and youll get along just fine.

Aries needs a Goose to their Mavericksomeone as fearless as they are who will play to their strengths and balance out their weaknesses. This is the sign of big ideas and bigger egos, so let Aries take the lead now and then. (And try to keep your cool when they start bossing you around. They cant help their astrological DNA.) Together, you can save the day and crush those quarterly projections! But for the times you cant, get the pom-poms ready. Aries isnt great with defeat, so your boy will need some bolstering to get back in the game.

When it comes to Aries, you dont get a second chance at a first impression. They either like you or they dont, and good luck working with them if they dont! (No pressure.) Want to get on their good side? Just be straight with them. Aries is wary of suck-ups and players. They want to know youre on the level, and that means being honest and direct from the get-go. So if youre going to stroke their egoand you shouldyoure going to have to summon some sincerity.