Osbourne - There Is No F*cking Secret: Letters from a Badass Bitch

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Yeah, you! The one reading this book! Thats right, Im talking to you!

TRANSLATION

No word of a lie

The honest truth

I dont know everything, nor do I want to, but in my thirty-odd years of livingand through much trial and errorI have learned a bit. So now Im going to let you in on a little secret (yeah, yeah, you read the titlethere is no secret, but Ill get to that in a minute): Writing this book has been one of the most intense forms of therapy I have ever experienced. (To find out more on my previous experiences with therapy now, jump .) It made me realize why I forgot so many things in the first place, no word of a lie. ** I could write a whole new book about the problems I have now discovered I have through these stumbles, trips, and falling ass-backward down memory lane. However, even when it feels like Im on the road to Absolutely Nowhere, I have learned that all I can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes I feel like Dory in Finding Nemo, constantly telling myself to just keep swimming.

As I began what seemed like a monotonous journey of bullet pointing my entire lifefrom my childhood split between a tour bus and the English countryside to my thoroughly awkward televised teens and twenties (if youre reading this and youre someone I offended in those years, Im sorry, I was a dick) to my still-fledgling adulthoodI realized just how much Ive been through. Some of it was beyond fabulous, and some of it was agonizingly fucked up. Sometimes it made me laugh until I pissed myself, sometimes it made me cry hysterically, and sometimes Id get so overwhelmed that Id go into fits of pure rage, which would bring out my inner divaLizaBeth Taylor (my own personal Sasha Fierce, a combination of Liza Minnelli and Elizabeth Taylor)and Id pretend to faint onto the floor of my apartment. Only when I had an audience, of course. If you arent making someone laugh, you are simply crying alone.

Through all the drama, what has really stood out to me was that no matter what I was writing about, whether it was something really good or really bad, Id look back at that time and think about how often I felt like complete and utter shit about myself.

If I accomplished something I had worked really hard for, instead of being proud, Id tell myself I didnt deserve it. Whenever something bad happened, like when my dad would start using again or Mum was diagnosed with cancer, I was convinced that it was 100 percent my fault, even if it was entirely out of my control. I now realize how self-serving this thinking was.

All this made me realize Ive always had a hard time big-upping ** myself. So I thought, Fuck it, Ill do it right now. Thats when I decided to call myself a badass bitch. Ive taken more than my fair share of shit, so I might as well be proud of it.

TRANSLATION

Big-upping

Showing support or encouragement

My mum grew up working in an industry, and in a time, in which women were perceived as either bitches or whores. She taught me that if those were your only two options, always choose to be the bitch. To me, a bitch is not a female dog, or a female assholefiguratively, not literallybut an outspoken woman who always takes responsibility for her actions, even when she ruffles a few feathers along the way.

Lets rewind back to my badass-bitch roots. I grew up in the spotlight, but polish and perfection have never been my strong suits. Take my familys 1991 appearance on