Danielle Simone Brand - Weed Mom: The Canna-Curious Womans Guide to Healthier Relaxation, Happier Parenting, and Chilling TF Out

Text copyright 2020 Danielle Simone Brand. Design and concept copyright 2020 Ulysses Press and its licensors. All rights reserved. Any unauthorized duplication in whole or in part or dissemination of this edition by any means (including but not limited to photocopying, electronic devices, digital versions, and the internet) will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

Published in the United States by:

ULYSSES PRESS

P.O. Box 3440

Berkeley, CA 94703

www.ulyssespress.com

A longer version of the preface originally appeared in 2019 in the cannabis publication, Civilized.

ISBN: 978-1-64604-121-3

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-64604-122-0

Library of Congress Control Number: 2020936172

Acquisitions editor: Ashten Evans

Managing editor: Claire Chun

Editor: Renee Rutledge

Proofreader: Kate St.Clair

Front cover design: Lilith Stepanyan

Artwork: Marijuana leaf Sergejs Makarovs/shutterstock.com; Mountain Tree Studio

Layout: Jake Flaherty

NOTE TO READERS: This book has been written and published strictly for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to serve as medical advice or to be any form of medical treatment. You should always consult your physician before altering or changing any aspect of your medical treatment and/or undertaking a diet regimen, including the guidelines as described in this book. Do not stop or change any prescription medications without the guidance and advice of your physician. Any use of the information in this book is made on the readers good judgment after consulting with his or her physician and is the readers sole responsibility. This book is not intended to diagnose or treat any medical condition and is not a substitute for a physician. The author and publisher disclaim liability for any medical outcomes that may occur as a result of applying the methods suggested in this book.

This book is independently authored and published and no sponsorship or endorsement of this book by, and no affiliation with, any trademarked brands or other products mentioned within is claimed or suggested. All trademarks that appear in this book belong to their respective owners and are used here for informational purposes only. The author and publisher encourage readers to patronize the quality brands mentioned in this book.

Dear Alcohol,

I have some difficult news. Deep breaths. Here it is: Im breaking up with you.

Weve had plenty of good times togetherbelieve me. You were there for me in my twenties when I wanted you. You helped me through those (lets be honest, completely asinine) college parties and awkward holiday rituals. Its true that you and I seemed like a good couple in those times.

I used to enjoy my time with you while writing or doing creative work and thought you helped me express myself better. But now I realize that I didnt sound smarter or more well read at those times, just buzzed.

Alcohol, Im sorry to tell you like this, but Ive found someone else. Someone who meets my needs as a grown woman. My new someone goes by many names: weed, marijuana, pot, ganja, green, cannabis.

I love hanging out at home with my kids and my new friend. Cannabis helps soothe my anxiety about to-do lists or getting the littles to bed at 8 p.m. sharp. I can read bedtime stories for a good while when Im hanging out with cannabisand then deliver the requested hundred kisses.

On New Years Eve, I told you I was just gonna chill at home, but I actually went to a party with cannabis. I hate to tell you this, alcohol, but I didnt miss you at all. Cannabis is just more sophisticated, more varied, and frankly, more interesting than you are. I can microdose for a calm, focused feel. I can soothe my nerves and sleep well with the right strain. Or, I can get energized for running around the park with my kids, pulling weeds (actual weeds, not weed weeds), or one of those Sunday night laundry-folding marathons. Plus, in many states, I can now find cannabis whenever I wantlegally, and with ease. Cannabis will come to my doorstep 24/7 if I ask.

I particularly enjoy long walks with cannabis. Traversing the urban canyons that dot my neighborhood, I revel in the scents of sage and juniper and fathom my familys place under the endless blue skies. I like to let my thoughts meander down any course they care to, and this has led to the kind of insights that Ive never had with you. I feel so much more stimulated with cannabis.

Speaking of stimulation, we have to talk about sex. I dont want to embarrass you, but sex with cannabis is better. I feel more in tune with my senses and my sensuality. My orgasms rock. Im sorry, alcohol, thats just the way it is.

And before you askno, alcohol, I dont want an open relationship. Thing is, aside from liking weed better, I have some legit issues with your behavior. For instance, after we spend the night together, I feel like death warmed over the next day. Lately, alcohol, even when I partake in you very sparingly, it doesnt feel good. I wish I could say differently, but my body doesnt lie.

I did a little digging about you online, alcohol, and found some disturbing things. A recent study from the University of Colorado found that, over long-term use, youre more damaging to the brain than cannabis. Plus, everyone knows your hangover symptoms: fatigue, nausea, vomiting, headache, dizziness, concentration problems, and mood instability, among others. Theyre no picnic. Apparently, there are even consortiums on hangover research, and a doctor in Las Vegas who provides a medical hangover cure for $160. I mean, damn.

Also, I have to be honest: I dont really like your friends. I mean, some of them are fine. But others are obnoxious and rude. They dont have good boundaries. They tend to pee where they shouldnt, and sometimes, puke. Some of them have even tried to feel me up when theyve been hanging out with you, and thats not cool. Friends of cannabis dont do that.

And another thing: I have spent way too much money on you. With my friend cannabis, I can chill all night for the price of a drink. Just think about what I could do with all that money savedlike take a vacation (with cannabis!).

Truthfully, I deserve better. Im a working mom with many interests whos also trying to maintain a modicum of a social life. (Like I said, a grown woman.) Alcohol, I held onto you for far too long. If I see you at the holiday table, Ill say hey, but dont expect me to change my mind.

Sincerely,

Your ex

I wasnt the kind of little girl who dreamed of having children of her own. I dreamed of traveling the world as a translator for the UN or swinging from vine to vine while rescuing valuable artifacts la Indiana Jones. Though I married young, my husband and I didnt think about children for several years. We were too busy going to grad school, traveling, and having lots of (non-procreational) sex.

As our thirties approached, we debated the question of parenthood. Then my body issued her own statement on the matter while on vacation in a little seaside Mexican town, preciselyI kid you noton my thirtieth birthday. Her answer?