Kelsey Buckholtz - Strong Calm Confident You : How to Stop the Endless Cycle of Pleasing, Perfecting and Performing

Strong, Calm, Confident You

How to stop the endless cycle of pleasing, perfecting and performing

Kelsey Buckholtz

Copyright 2021 Kelsey Buckholtz

All rights reserved
No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher.
ISBN-978-1-7366105-1-0
Cover design by: Kelsey Martinez
Printed in the United States of America

This book is dedicated to Mom, Mimi and all the women who paved the way. You have done the hard work of building a future for women where we can be anything we want to be. Now, its our job to seize it. To Blake, Amelia, my future daughter(s), and the next generation of women, may you be strong, calm and confident; may you live authentically with true happiness in your heart.

Contents

Introduction: The Treadmill

I had all the things that should have made me happy - a good job, a loving marriage, supportive family and friends. But at the end of the day, I was overwhelmed, anxious and exhausted. I was chasing goal after goal, each time thinking the next milestone would be the one to make me happy. Ill be happy when I get a promotion, when I have a family, when I make more money, and on and on. But nothing ever felt like enough. I never felt like enough. I was overwhelmed with expectations and responsibility, trying to find my place in the world. I was running in all directions of my life, not realizing I was on a treadmill going nowhere.

When I graduated college, like most seniors entering the real world, my entire life was uprooted and changed in an instant. I decided to pursue graduate school and a fellowship program, as a way into the Fortune 50 company I had interned for. I also moved in with my boyfriend, Chris, in a new state where we didnt know anyone, all within a matter of months.

There were so many new aspects of life tugging me in all directions that I didnt know where to focus. So, I gave 110 percent in everything. While pursuing my masters degree, I was working part-time for my company, working my ass off, taking on every assignment thrown my way and putting in extra hours to prove myself worthy of a full-time position. At home, I took ownership of the cooking, cleaning and our social calendar, trying to prove I was wife material, as if I had to be a 1950s sitcom housewife in order to get a ring on my finger. In grad school, I knew my grades didnt matter nearly as much as they had in undergrad, but I agonized over papers and assignments, still stuck in a perfectionist mindset that straight As were the only way to achieve my goals.

But when everything is a priority, nothing is.

To the external eye, people thought I had it all together, they probably thought my life looked perfect. In reality, I was anxious, depressed and dangling on the edge of burnout. I was a perfectionist, chasing an impossible standard I had built up in my mind of what a woman should be. I was a people-pleaser, trying my best to gain everyones approval to validate my self-worth.

I thought I needed a better way to manage my stress and that I was doing something wrong. But the only thing that was wrong was the way I treated myself. I learned to numb my feelings with alcohol and food, and as a result I came to hate my body and the extra pounds I had put on since college. I neglected my own needs to please everyone around me, refused to ask for help, and hid behind a mask of perfectionism. I was running on a treadmill, trying to reach an impossible goal, stuck in an endless cycle of pleasing, perfecting and performing.

To break free from the cycle, I had to learn how to love myself again body, mind, and soul. I started by prioritizing my physical health, learning to take care of and love my body. I focused on my mental health, learning how to deal with my stress and anxiety, and I started practicing self-care to nourish my soul and protect my energy. With this foundation of self-love and confidence in place, I was able to set new priorities and boundaries to live a more authentic and happy life on my terms.

Today, I am strong, calm, and confident. I trust my intuition and Im finally comfortable in my own skin. I feel like Ive taken off the blinders that had me running in place for so long. Its been a journey, and I continue to grow every day, but I am truly happier than Ive ever been and I want that for you, too.

As I did the work on myself, I realized many women are trapped in this cycle of pleasing perfecting and performing. I started noticing that most women around me were either complaining about all their responsibilities or pretending, like I had, to have it all together.

I see you, and I want you to know it doesnt have to be this way.

What if you could ditch what you think is expected of you from society, your family, friends, and coworkers and start living an authentic life on your own terms? What if you could stop trying to be perfect and just be enough? What if you could focus on the things that matter most in your life and let the rest go? What if you could get off the treadmill and jog through life enjoying the scenery? What if you could be confident, trust your intuition and love yourself exactly as you are?

I decided to write this book because I saw the women around me struggling like I had. The chapters that follow detail the experiences and pressures Ive felt as a woman and how I learned to love myself again. Ill teach you the strategies and tactics that helped me stop the endless cycle of pleasing, perfecting and performing so you can start living.

This book isnt a quick fix. Its not a weight loss plan or a three-steps-to-ultimate-happiness book. Its not meant to be a quick read or collect dust on your bookshelf; its meant to be highlighted, dog-eared and referenced. This journey is incredibly personal, and you need to put in the work to change your own life. The tools and exercises throughout the book are ones you can come back to over and over again, and that I hope youll want to pass on to other women and girls in your life.

We each need to set the standards and the expectations for our own lives and denounce the outdated ones weve become prisoner to. When we do this, together, we can change the story for the next generation of women. When we call bullshit on the perfect standard weve been upholding, we help give other women the chance to live authentically too.

It starts with you, and now all you have to do is turn the page. Youve got this.

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

As you embark on this journey in the pages that follow, you will find journal prompts and exercises throughout each chapter to help you apply the concepts from this book to your own life.

To guide you through this process, Ive created a free companion workbook. Inside, youll find the book exercises and prompts, plus bonus content youll only find in the workbook. You can print it out and write in the space provided or edit the file on your tablet or PC. The book is where the inspiration happens, but the workbook is where the change happens.

Whether you complete the prompts as you go or return to them after reading the whole book, its critical to take pen to paper. Journaling is like having a heart-to-heart conversation with yourself, and if youre serious about changing your life, you need to put in the work.

Download your free companion workbook to get started at workbook.strongcalmkelsey.com/download .

PART ONE: HOW DID WE GET HERE?

1. Pleasing, Perfecting and Performing

Women are raised to be perfectionists and people-pleasers. We are taught to be good girls, while boys are brought up to be tough. We are told to be polite, kind and to always put others first.

In the pursuit of being the perfect selfless woman, we often fall into the trap of neglecting ourselves. As a result, we learn to see our worth in what we do for others rather than in who we are at our core. We want to be liked, to be needed, to be loved and appreciated. We look at other women who seem to have it all together and put them on a pedestal, not realizing many of them are also struggling behind closed doors