Phyllis L. Fagell - Middle School Matters

I GIVE PRESENTATIONS TO THOUSANDS OF PARENTS AROUND THE world, and their biggest concerns always revolve around middle schooleverything from shifting friendships to character development to learning and preparing kids for an unknown, changing world. Parents may ask me how they can help their kids recover from social rejection or bullying, or how they can instill honesty, empathy, responsibility, and kindness. You may wonder: When is the best time to give my child a phone, let them use social media, or take public transportation alone? How much should I be helping them with homework, monitoring their online behavior, or communicating with their teachers? What are the signs that my child could have a learning or attentional challenge? And just how much stress, moodiness, and anxiety is normal for a middle schooler? You may have heard that focusing on grades and test scores wont create happy, successful, thriving kids, but its a confusing message. You might be thinking, Okay, but what am I supposed to be doing instead?

Well, take a deep breath and relax. What you have in your hands is golden. Phyllis is the perfect person to address these questions and to write this book. Shes an extraordinary middle school counselor with many years of experience. Ive watched her in action with students, and she has rapport, competence, and compassion. She gives wonderful, profound, spot-on advice to help kids solve whatever issues theyre facing. Because shes in the field working with children every day, shes privy to thoughts the rest of us dont often hear, and shes able to help you make sense of your childs feelings and behavior. She helps you see them through a different lens so you can leverage their strengths and stay close. You may not be able to use the same strategies that worked when your child was six or eight, but Phyllis gives you all the tools you need to make the most of these make-or-break years. This is a book that will allay any fears you have about your power as a parent.

Phyllis not only has advised thousands of parents in her capacity as a counselor, therapist, writer, and speaker, but shes also the mother of three children, including two teens and a tween. Shes steeped in the phase, presenting at national conferences and schools and interviewing educators, students, and parents across the world. As a result, shes been able to identify the most pressing, key issues for middle schoolers today. One thing is clear: Were not the only ones concerned about this age group, and Phylliss advice applies to kids everywhere.

There are many reasons Im delighted to be writing this foreword, and many reasons why I think this is the best book out there on middle school. For starters, Phylliss advice is not only practical and proven, but its grounded in breaking new studies. Shes a constant reader, and I can guarantee you that youre reading the most cutting-edge research available. She turns evidence-based ideas into common sense, reassuring, and concrete advice. Shes always up to date, and she knows how to empower middle schoolage kids. She doesnt just provide tips on how to deal with issues such as bullying, cliques, or poor grades. Her writing is far more nuanced, she digs deep to find the real issues at hand, and she contextualizes information so she can offer targeted advice. For example, she doesnt force social media into its own category. Instead, she addresses the topic anywhere it would crop up in a middle schoolers life, including in relation to sleep, self-regulation, homework completion, gossip, and sexting.

What also sets Middle School Matters (MSM) apart is that it translates kids needs and concerns into simple, direct, easy interventions that have a big impact. Too often, we make parenting more complicated than it needs to be. MSM offers everythingconversation starters, stories, examples, statistics, resources, tips from experts, news stories, and anecdotesso you can handle all kinds of scenarios. Its a road map for raising a healthy, happy, resilient, and ethical child.

At the heart of the book are middle schoolers themselves. Theres an accumulation of student voices throughout the book that lend authenticity. Those voices are also a reality check. We read about kids worries, wins, fears, insecurities, and dreams for the future. We hear glorious stories of big-hearted, courageous kids making a difference, and get a glimpse into what they want from us, their parents. We learn about possible gaps in their knowledge, and we begin to grasp just how different their world is from the one we remember. We also learn how to connect with our child without violating their desire for privacy. The underlying message is clear: this isnt a phase to dread or the time to back off. In fact, these are years to cherish.

One of my favorite sectionsand I bet it will be one of your favorites as wellis the final chapter. The book shares the advice recent middle school graduates would give themselves, their parents, and current middle schoolers. One teen said, Parents need to ask a lot of questions. Just sit down and talk about life, about their social drama, about academics, about whatever is on their mind, and let them know you hear them. Tell them you get that its difficult, and maybe Mary Jo isnt being the best friend right nowbut dont just jump in and give advice. The ideas they share parallel what Phyllis has been saying all along, but we get to hear it from a different set of voices.

Parenting is a work in progress; were all constantly trying to get better, theres no instruction manual, and guilt and shame have no place in advice. MSM reaffirms this idea and encourages parents to help their child identify and take pride in their hidden superpowers. Above all, MSM wants you to be an unwavering source of support for your child and to stay optimistic and open-minded through their inevitable ups and downs. If you take