Fran Hauser - The Myth of the Nice Girl

First Mariner Books edition 2019

Copyright 2018 by Fran Hauser

All rights reserved

For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to or to Permissions, Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing Company, 3 Park Avenue, 19th Floor, New York, New York 10016.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Hauser, Fran, author.

Title: The myth of the nice girl : achieving a career you love without becoming a person you hate / Fran Hauser.

Description: Boston : Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 2018. | Includes bibliographical references and index.

Identifiers: LCCN 2017046069 (print) | LCCN 2017054639 (ebook) | ISBN 9781328832979 (ebook) | ISBN 9781328832955 (hardcover) | ISBN 978-1-328-59282-8 (paperback)

Subjects: LCSH: WomenVocational guidance. | Career development. | Assertiveness in women. | Success in business.

Classification: LCC HF5382.6 (ebook) | LCC HF5382.6 .H375 2018 (print) | DDC 650.1dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017046069

Cover design by Martha Kennedy

v4.0220

Out of respect for their privacy, I have changed the names and characterizing details of some of the people who appear in these pages.

To my formal and informal mentors...

Im forever grateful for your incredible wisdom and invaluable advice. Its my honor to pay it forward

The one question Ive been asked the most over the course of my career is, How can you be so nice... and still be successful?

It first struck me that this is a real issue that women struggle with when I was president of digital for People magazine back in 2009. So many of the women I worked with and mentored wanted to better understand how I had risen to that leadership position while having a reputation for being so nice.

I came to realize that many of these young women were convinced that they had to somehow suppress their niceness to get ahead. They were worriedand sometimes rightly sothat if they acted kindly and collaboratively at work, theyd be labeled as too nice. The ongoing myth of the nice girl is that shes weak, a pushover, a people pleaser, and clearly not someone who is a natural leader or super effective at her job. At the same time, these women were concerned that if they voiced their opinions, stood up for themselves, and put their own ambition first, theyd end up in another box, this one labeled bitch. One after another, women asked me how they could find the perfect balance between being nice and being strong at work.

The truth is that its taken me years to find my own balance, and its something I still struggle with from time to time. When I was in my twenties, I received advice from bosses and mentors to act tougher and to develop a harder edge. Fran, youre too nice, they told me. You need to toughen up, or people will walk all over you. I bought into this myth and tried stifling my empathy and kindness, but the truth was, behaving that way just wasnt me. It felt fake and inauthentic. Plus, I saw that it wasnt as effective for my career as using kindness had been.

After years of self-discovery, building a successful career, and paying close attention to what worked andmost importantlywhat felt right for me, I ultimately came to see that I didnt have to sacrifice my values or hide my authentic personality in the name of achieving success. In fact, as I learned to own my natural kindness, it has become my professional superpower. It has helped me build my personal confidence; the loyalty of those whove worked with me; and a strong, trusting, faithful network of colleagues, mentors, and mentees. I fully believe it can do the same things for you.

Over the past eight years, Ive had thousands of conversations about this topic with womenone-on-one, via social media and digital mentoring platforms, and through speaking engagements. Ive shared my own experiences, as well as the insights from my various mentors and colleagues. Back in 2009, I also did some research to see what resources were available for all the women who were facing this same issue. But what I found was disappointing: no business guides seemed to regard being nice as powerful at all. In fact, too many books still put forward the myth that nice girls cant get the corner office or become respected leaders. That was when I realized that there was a need for this book.

Then, my life took a turn. Our first son, Anthony, came into our lives in 2010 and our second son, Will, followed in 2011. Between being a mom and having a demanding career, my life was overflowing. So I pressed pause on writing the book. Then, in 2014, I took the scary and thrilling step of creating a new career for myself. I left media and moved into startup investing. When I saw just how much my network helped support me in that career transition, I started thinking seriously about the book again.

The breakthrough moment for me was a blog post I wrote for Forbes.com in January 2016, entitled How Nice Women Can Finish First When They Ask the Right Questions. It really struck a chord with readers and became one of the most popular posts in Denise Restauris Mentoring Moments series. I was suddenly overwhelmed with women reaching out to me through Facebook, Twitter, and email. That was when I knew that not only was there still a need for this book, but that I had to write it.

While Ive received very strong support for the book in many circles, Ive also received pushback from others. The word nice is emotionally loaded for many women; some have an immediate, adverse reaction to it. I fully understand that, and its precisely why I want to rebrand the idea of a nice girl as someone who is not meek or a people pleaser, but who uses her authentic kindness to sidestep regressive stereotypes about what a strong leader looks like. There is real power hidden in traits like empathy, kindness, and compassion that are undervalued in the business world. When coupled with an appropriate dose of savvy and ambition, these overlooked superpowers can help launch your career to the top.

In these pages, you will discover the principles that have allowed me and hundreds of other strong, kind women to rise above double standards and thrive in the workforce. The Myth of the Nice Girl will show you how to negotiate powerfully, to speak up so people listen, to project confidence, to own your decisions, and to deal with conflictall while never hiding the nice woman you know yourself to be. When you reject the outdated playbook that says you must be ruthless in order to succeed in business and instead learn how to harness the untapped strength of kindness, your power to achieve your dreams and goals will be unstoppable.

Fran Hauser

Summer 2017

W HEN I WAS IN MY EARLY TWENTIES, I WAS working at Ernst & Young, one of the biggest professional services firms in the world. I was young, ambitious, and extremely hard working, and I was doing well in my role there, but I was also getting a lot of feedback from my boss about specific things I needed to work on.

For example, one of the companies my team was assigned to service was Coca-Cola Bottling Company of New York. I was the youngest person on the team and felt incredibly intimidated by one of the vice presidents at Coke, who was an imposing older man. In our meetings, I found myself constantly nodding and agreeing to pretty much everything he and the other people in the room said; I was just too nervous to speak up and voice my own opinions. Either that or I uttered a noncommittal Thats interesting, no matter what subject was being discussed. We could have been talking about what to get for lunch, and if someone had suggested sushi, my response would have been, Thats interesting.