Sue Zeno - OLD: The Art of Aging With Attitude

Table of Contents

DEDICATION

This book is dedicated to The Cat In The Hat who so candidly expressed his views on aging when he said the following:

I cannot see

I cannot pee

I cannot chew

I cannot screw

Oh my God what can I do?

My memory shrinks

My hearing stinks

No sense of smell

I look like hell

My mood is bad-can you tell?

My bodys drooping
Have trouble pooping

The Golden Years

Have come at last

The Golden Years

Can kiss my ass!

Dr. Seuss

AUTHORS PLEA

Please buy my book for yourself and your friends. I am old very old and I need the cash so this last chapter of my life can be fairly comfortable and I can (God forbid) avoid wiping down tables in fast food joints, or standing on my painful feet greeting you at the local department store, or waving the advertising sign for the corner business in the sweltering heat. This book is written with YOU in mind. There is only one version (LARGE PRINT). It is fairly short, as we have discovered (to our dismay) our eye-sight and retention skills decline as we age. So, please go find your 375 prescription glasses and your magnifying glass, sit back and enjoy. Whoever said old age aint for sissies was right on. Now, read on!

Chapter

RUDE AWAKENING

Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.

Terry Pratchett

All of a sudden you wake up one day, look in the mirror and say What the Hell Happened?!?! Im old!! Aging should not be worse than prepping for a colonoscopy or as painful as undergoing a root canal without Novocaine, but it often is. The moron who coined the term Golden Years should be tarred and feathered. Golden Years? My ass.

The inevitable changes that accompany aging can be compared to a freaking train wreck. And no matter how much beet juice you drink and greens you ingest these changes are unavoidable. The only thing you have control over is how you react to the process, and what kind of attitude you adapt. You have to say to yourself Yes I am old. But this is better than being in a box or having your ashes spread over the Pacific Ocean. Getting old is definitely better than the alternative.

On second thought, you might question the mirrors image because honestly at first you thought you were looking at your mother. Maybe youre in denial or genuinely confused. Its understandable.

Chapter

OLDOMETER TEST

You know you are old when your back goes
out more than you do.

Anonymous

Okay we can agree to agree that we look old compared to our glory years, but are we really old ? I mean, the universe is over five billion years old, and it is still expanding. Isnt age just a number as I hear the young people always say?

Well, lucky for you, we have developed a scientific process even more accurate than carbon dating and less invasive than an autopsy. It is time for you to take the Oldometer Test (trademark not pending because we forgot to mail in our application).

First, find a corkscrew and pour yourself a glass (or two) of your favorite vino, or prepare your favorite cocktail.

Second, grab a pen, and mark all of the following that apply to you.

Third, take a deep breath, count your results, and carry on!

READY. SET. GO!!!!
You know you are old if-

• Your doctor looks younger than Doogie Howser, M.D.
• You do not remember who Doogie Howser is.
• You used carbon paper.
• You wake up with hangovers when you didnt drink the night before.
• You have confused your microwave and computer.
• Youve been stuck in an elevator but you really just forgot to push a button.
• A late night means you were still up at 9 P.M.
• Youve bought diapers for your grandchildren and yourself.
• You cant remember your last all-nighter.
• You define all-nighter as sleeping through the night without peeing.
• You have bought a movie ticket with a single coin.
• You mistakenly used a calculator trying to call cousin Betty.
• After scrolling down for eight minutes, you realize the credit card application does not list your birth year as an option.
• You remember when socks were white or black, and tennis shoes were only for tennis.
• Your kids do not let you use appliances at their house (which is okay because you cant operate those crazy complicated machines anyways!)
• You have to set the alarm to watch Saturday Night Live.
• You always miss your alarm for Saturday Night Live, but wake up an hour later to pee.

• You believe thong has one definition and is exclusively for your feet.
• Your underarms could power a sailboat with enough wind in the right direction.
• The grocer asks if you need help carrying out the lone loaf of bread you bought.
• You never have to ask for your senior discount.
• You are always getting honked at when you drive.
• You never hear the other drivers honking at you.
• You wear clothes inside out, and it is not on purpose as a fashion statement.
• You remember perms.
• You sunbathed with baby oil.
• You recall the DA haircut.
• No one wants to borrow your clothes.
• Everything hurts and nothing works.
• Happy hour means taking a nap.
• The candles on your birthday cake cost more than the cake ( Bob Hope)
• When you buy sexy underwear and the cashier immediately gift wraps it. (Joan Rivers)
• When you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while youre down there. (George Burns)

CONGRATULATIONS!!! You have survived the gauntlet known as the Oldometer Test. Now the hard part, counting past five! If you need help tallying your score, grab some of your pennies or the hard candies you have had in that same bowl since 1992

OLDOMETER RESULTS
(HOW OLD ARE YOU REALLY?)

0-2 : Babe in Arms (and you have no idea what that means)

3-4: Spring Chicken (still with a social life)

5-6: Gassy McGasface (food is not going down as well, time to load up on Tums and Pepto)

7-8: Bingo Superstar (in the prime of your career) but please do not drive there or anywhere else ever again

9-10: Petrified Prune: Holy crap you are getting old!

11-13: Fortunate One : You are the luckiest person with great fortunes ahead. Just kidding, if you checked 11- 13 you are surely too old to be alive.

14 and Up: Yikes! Drink some more. You are truly old and words from this book cant help you.

Now kids, while your results may be shocking, this is not the time to despair. Though we are old, this is not the time to give up and lay down! As a great philosopher once said, Cherish today because it is the youngest you will be the rest of your days. I mean, think about it, in five years (if you make it that far), you will look back at yourself today reading this book and would give every penny you have left to trade places with your five year younger self.