Laurel Randolph - The Unofficial Simpsons Cookbook: From Krusty Burgers to Marges Pretzels, Famous Recipes from Your Favorite Cartoon Family (Unofficial Cookbook)

The Unofficial Simpsons Cookbook

From Krusty Burgers to Marges Pretzels, Famous Recipes from Your Favorite Cartoon Family

Laurel Randolph

Foreword by Bill Oakley, Former Showrunner of The Simpsons

This book is unofficial and unauthorized. It has not been authorized, approved, licensed, or endorsed by Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation, its writers or producers, or any of its licensees.

For Dan,

You came and you found me a turkey, on my vacation away from workie.

The world of Springfield is intentionally crummy. The town is beset with an inextinguishable tire yard fire, a slipshod nuclear power plant, a decaying elementary school, and a hundred other fifth-rate taverns, hospitals, shops, and burlesque houses (though La Maison Derrire is actually well above par).

Nonetheless, a lot of boneheads (including me) yearn to visit the world of Springfieldso much so that not one, but two amusement parks have actually constructed popular attractions based on the town. But those places are expensive, and because they are in business to make money, the food is too good. Universal Studios is not going to sell you an authentic Homers Patented Space-Age Out-of-This-World Moon Waffle or Nachos, Flanders-Style, because the general food-eating public would be scratching their heads and quickly departing for the nearest Wendys.

But you, me, us Simpsons fanswe yearn for the real stuff: Martins Raisin Roundies, IRS-wiches, the Dryyyyyy Crackers that Kirk Van Houten devoted his career to before getting the boot without so much as a good luck.

As a former writer and showrunner of The Simpsons (and now an Instagram food personality), I think it is particularly thrilling to delve into this world because, honestly, nonstop eating was such an important part of working on the show way back whenthats why there are so many food jokes! As we wrote in the early seasons, there were no cell phones to distract us from the arduous, unending script rewrites. Instead, we turned to food, obsessing endlessly over lunch orders and the contents of the snack room next door, eating the free promotional Butterfingers they sent us, and slowly gaining way too much weight (I lost 65 pounds after I left the show!).

It was a regular occurrence for a writer to order a whole pie for lunch, put it in the refrigerator, and slowly eat piece after piece throughout the afternoon for amusement. Someone (maybe it was me) got in the habit of ordering three shrimp cocktails for lunch, having one, and taking the other two home to eat for dinner. One timeto, er, test the limits of the system for abuseI ordered caviar for dinner. News of that got around, believe me. When we were not eating, we were dreaming up new foods: TUBBB!, Uncle Jims Country Fillin, the Strawberrito, Corn Nog, you name it.

Now many of these fictional itemsthe foods that built Springfieldare ours for the tasting, courtesy of the hard (and slightly demented) work of mad kitchen scientist Laurel Randolph! Best of all, she has improved the taste of many and removed the toxic or poisonous ingredients so that few, if any, may actually kill you (not a guarantee).

From improvised freak shows like Homers Clove and Tom Collins Pie to carefully prepared freak shows like Mr. Burnss Fig Cake to professionally cooked train wrecks like Moes Hobo Chicken Chili, you will find within this work a staggering array of Simpsons foods that you have dreamed of trying if you are a complete weirdo. Join your fellow weirdos in a Floor Pie or Flaming Moe, if you dare!

And since the recipe for TUBBB! does not actually appear in this work, I will close by adding it here:

• 1 (48-ounce) can vegetable shortening
• 9 pounds powdered sugar
• 3 tablespoons vanilla extract

Dump all ingredients into a 1-gallon plastic bucket and beat until blended. For best results, eat with a large spoon while watching nine consecutive hours of reality shows. Warning: This recipe might actually kill you.

Obviously grilled,

I remain,

Bill Oakley

@thatbilloakley on Instagram

Mmmcookbook. Have you ever watched Homer gobbling up a doughnut and wished you could enjoy it too? Or followed Marge whipping together meal after meal in her colorful kitchen and longed for a seat at the table? Pull up a chair!

In The Unofficial Simpsons Cookbook youll find seventy perfectly cromulent recipes from your favorite cartoon, The Simpsons. Now you can enjoy the shows iconic dishes in the comfort of your own home, with or without the corncob curtains. Besides, whats the point of going out? Youre just going to wind up back here anyway.

If your cookings only got two movesshake and bakethen its time to mix things up with recipes like Krusty Burgers, Squishees, and Million-Dollar Birthday Fries. From breakfast to dessert and everything in between, its good old-fashioned home cooking, deep-fried to perfection. (Note: Not everything is deep-fried.)

But before you start cooking, read this thingy that tells you how to work the stuff:

• Some dishes, like fugu fish, are far too diddly-dangerous for home cooks, and some are just too gross, like sixty-four slices of American cheese. While a few of the foods seen on the show are unpossible (like the original Sloppy Jimbos), this book features tasty versions inspired by the look and flavors of the original cartoon eats.
• Always read through a recipe completely before starting to double-check you have the ingredients, equipment, and time needed to finish the dish. Most recipes include variations with shortcuts and flavor tweaks, as well as tips for making the best Simpsons recipes possible. Woo-hoo!
• As you might have guessed, there are some deep-fried recipes in this book (drooling noise). Use a tall heavy pot and an abundance of caution when frying.
• Some recipes call for special equipment like a candy or deep-frying thermometer, stand mixer, or ice cream maker. However, the vast majority of the recipes dont require anything special, and all can be made by beginners and Boyardees alike.
• When measuring flour or cocoa, scoop it into the measuring cup, tap it to settle, and sweep off the excess with a knife. And dont skip greasing your pan or youll be yelling doh!
• Feel free to put your own spin on these dishes, but experiment at your own risk. Any changes to recipes beyond the provided variations may cause things to go up in flames like a bowl of cornflakes.

Whether youre fixing Homers Patented Space-Age Out-of-This-World Moon Waffles while watching episodes with your family on Saturday morning or having a few of your best barfly friends over for White Wine Spritzers, The Simpsons is meant to be viewed with food or drink in hand. Try hosting a potluck and let each person choose their own recipe for a viewing and eating marathon that would make Homer proud.

In the immortal words of Marge Simpson, Sometimes the most satisfying meal is the one you cook yourself. Thank you for choo-choo-choosing this book. You wont believe you ate the whole thing.

CHAPTER 1 BREAKFAST

Never start your day on an empty stomach. Whether youre spending a lazy, sacrilegious Sunday morning making Homers Patented Space-Age Out-of-This-World Moon Waffles or beginning your workday with the requisite Purple-Filled Doughnut (or dozen), breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Sure, you could always pour a bowl of Jackie Os or Kelp Chex, top it with eggnog, and call it a day, but why not use the easy recipes in this chapter to spell out I love you with bacon and eggs or cut pancakes into squares? Go the heart-clogging route with a Good Morning Burger or enjoy a bowl of sweet, nourishing Krusty Brand Imitation Gruel. No matter the menu, take a cue from Homer and serve these recipes with plenty of rich, creamery butter.