Tia Amdurer - Take My Hand: the caregivers journey

Title Page

Take My Hand

The Caregivers Journey

Tia Amdurer, LPC

Reflections by Chris Renaud-Cogswell

Durham, NC

Copyright

Copyright 201 Tia Amdurer

Take My Hand: The Caregivers Journey

Tia Amdurer, LPC

www.takemyhandjourney.com

TakeMyHandJourney@gmail.com
Published 201, by Torchflame Books an Imprint of Light Messages

www.lightmessages.com

Durham, NC 27713 USA

SAN: 920-9298

Paperback ISBN: 978-1-61153-272-2

E-book ISBN: 978-1-61153-271-5

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017963114

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, except as permitted under Section 107 or 108 of the 1976 International Copyright Act, without the prior written permission except in brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

The reflections and journal anecdotes are written by and used by permission of Chris Renaud-Cogswell.

Preface

If you have picked up this book you probably are caring for a loved one or know someone who is. As the baby boomer generation moves into the twilight years and as life expectancy increases, more and more Americans will be caring for their elders. While homecare had been the stated choice for previous generations (You must promise never to put me in a nursing home!), the proliferation of retirement communities, senior care centers and memory care facilities, tells us that while there may be more choices for living options, chances are at least one sibling or relative will be caregiving in some capacity.

Giving care and being the responsible party for a parent or parents can be one of the most stressful times in an adults life. For many in the sandwich generation, this means juggling a career, children, perhaps grandchildren, and elders who rely on you. Often lost in this turmoil is the emotional health of the caregiver. This book is designed to help transform the caregivers pain and powerlessness into healing, hope, and growth.

The journey every person walks is totally unique, but there is collective wisdom to help you navigate your path.

A phrase I often use as a grief counselor and bereavement specialist: this is a bittersweet time. I have learned that in spite of the sorrow, there is great tenderness and remarkable honor in hearing the stories of the journey. In the same vein, the trials and tribulations of a caregiver can be incredibly rewarding. We each get back so much more than we givethe stories of a lifetime, being present to heartbreak and healing, laughing through the tears. Laughter is a necessary component of healthy healing, so this book approaches the end of life care with humor.

When my friend Chris began sharing through social media her personal story of her aging parents and then specifically her journey with her mom, I saw her authentically exposing her raw emotion. There was such honesty and wit in her writing that I wanted to bring her experience to a wider audience. I laughed and I cried reading her posts. I hope you will too.

Contributor Chris Renaud-Cogswell is a creative, enthusiastic piano teacher with a passion for working with students with special needs. It was Chris's writing that sparked the development of this book. As a loyal daughter, Chris took on the caregiving role for her ailing parents, Esther and Bill in their late 80s. She and her devoted husband Kevin shared with her parents the transitions from parental home to assisted living community, rehab facility, and finally home and hospice care. She shared her honest and eclectic view on life with her friends and family on social media. Chris states her greatest joys include "playing with her grandchildren, cooking way too much food for family gatherings, taking an excessive amount of photos of her cat, and playing Candy Crush."

As a Licensed Professional Counselor, I find great comfort and fulfillment working in the bereavement field and holding sacred space for those who are grieving. I have years of therapeutic work in hospice and private practice, specializing in healing from loss as well as working with those suffering the scars of abuse and neglect. I enjoy doing play therapy with kids and "therapizing" with teens and adults. Creating healing rituals is a favorite technique of mine.

Many personal experiences have gone into my own understanding of end-of-life journeysthe hospice death of my dear cousin, and traumatic deaths of my nephew, uncle, and brother-in-law. I was a caregiver for my father-in-law and a long-distance support for my sister as she cared for my parents.

How to Use This Book

Know that we use the term parent throughout the book, but we are approaching caregiving as a specific experience whether for a parent, relative, spouse, friend or sibling. Of course, the losses are different. But individuals each grieve differently and each bereavement is unique, so we hope you will relate to the issues and fill in your own blanks.

Since every end-of-life is special, you may find yourself drawn to certain chapters at different times; there is no wrong way to read this book. We have ordered this book by topics rather than chronologically. Chriss writing is in a distinct font showing her vulnerability, frustration, love, and humor as she cared for her mom and dad. My narratives include ways you might experience your own situation and suggest some therapeutic alternatives. Finally, at the end of each chapter, is a page for you to reflect on your journey. The relationship you and your loved one have is likely complicated. As you journey together down this uneven path, take time now and then to find some stillness and recognize your own worth.

O

One of the most comforting yet painful moments in my life will forever be the time I heard my mother call out, Mom? when she needed to use the bathroom We call out, Mom? and we know everything will be okay. We say, Mom? and our shoes will be tied, our boo-boos will be kissed, our tummies will be filled We call out, Mom? and we know we will soon be warm, we will be caressed, we will be loved. Mom?

O

Acknowledgments

From Tia

There are always those who support and encourage you as you take on important projectssome make constructive criticism, others provide cheerleading from the side. Still others in this virtual village send loving thoughts from beyond.

In the here-and-now, I want to express my gratitude to my husband Michael Amdurer for his patience and support; my son Zach Amdurer, PA-C, for his medical stamp of approval, his jazz, and his delight in learning something new; my daughter, Francesca Khlers, for the eagle eyes of a copy-editor; and sisters Laura Minor and Jeanne Buesser for their encouragement and our forever-bond. On the editing side, Wally Turnbull from Light Messages believed in the worth of this book and provided guidance, Kevin Cogswell offered careful review, Lois Feinstein provided talented oversight, and editor Milton Brasher-Cunningham just rocks.

To expand my knowledge, I relied on the expertise provided by Robin Jamison, LCSW, a professional artist and End-of-Life doula. Her journey with hospice, and utilizing art as a medium for healing, began in the 1990s while caring for her dying husband. Today, Robin provides emotional and practical support to hospice patients and their caregivers, assisting them through the very personal and unique journey of death. I was also given helpful input from Sarah Marsh, MDiv, and Janelle Womack, LPC. To my wonderful colleagues in the hospice world and dear friends who have been caregivers: you inspire me. My special love to Flo and Jerry, Jeremy, Terry, Meagan, Felice, Culture Club, and Susan. Great gratitude to Karrie Filios, LPC, for believing in me. Without Chris's writing, this book would never have been born. Thank you for allowing me to be part of Esthers life and yours.