Amanda Lambert - Aging with Care: Your Guide to Hiring and Managing Caregivers at Home

Aging with Care

ROWMAN & LITTLEFIELD

Lanham Boulder New York London

Published by Rowman & Littlefield

A wholly owned subsidiary of The Rowman & Littlefield Publishing Group, Inc.

4501 Forbes Boulevard, Suite 200, Lanham, Maryland 20706

www.rowman.com

Unit A, Whitacre Mews, 26-34 Stannary Street, London SE11 4AB

Copyright 2018 by Amanda Lambert and Leslie Eckford

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote passages in a review.

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Information Available

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Lambert, Amanda, author. | Eckford, Leslie, author.

Title: Aging with care : your guide to hiring and managing caregivers at home / Amanda Lambert and Leslie Eckford.

Description: Lanham : Rowman & Littlefield, [2017] | Includes bibliographical references and index.

Identifiers: LCCN 2017013069 (print) | LCCN 2017031876 (ebook) | ISBN 9781442281646 (electronic) | ISBN 9781442281639 (cloth : alk. paper)

Subjects: LCSH: Home care servicesEvaluation. | Caregivers. | Older peopleCare. | Home nursing.

Classification: LCC RA645.3 (ebook) | LCC RA645.3 .L36 2017 (print) | DDC 362.2/4dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2017013069

TM The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of American National Standard for Information Sciences Permanence of Paper for Printed Library Materials, ANSI/NISO Z39.48-1992.

Printed in the United States of America

To our parents and our families.

And to the countless caregivers who provide
compassionate and dedicated care to elders.

Throughout Aging with Care are stories about real people who are dealing with issues of aging at home and managing life with the help of professional caregivers. While these are all real stories, all identifying information such as names and locations has been changed to protect privacy. Some stories are based on composites of real people whom we have known or worked with over the years. Other stories are told by the actual people from our interviews for the purpose of this book. We are deeply grateful for their willingness to share their thoughts and feelings. Their experiences have deepened our appreciation of this challenging journey. We hope our readers will feel the same.

This book came into being from its earliest stages to its finishing touches with the good guidance of our first reader and editor extraordinaire, Lisa Goldstein Kieda. We thank Lisa for her constant interest, positive energy, incomparable humor, and, above all, friendship. We also extend our appreciation to our agent, Gina Panettieri, who believed in the importance and relevance of our book.

Waking Up to a Nightmare: Leslies Story

Hello, Marsha?

Yes, hello, Leslie, how are you?

Im fine, thank you. First, I want to tell you how grateful I am to you for staying while my mother was sick the last two days and nights. I know that wasnt easy, and, well, me and my family, we all really appreciate you doing that, and how hard that is on you to be away from your own family during that time, and really how much you have done for my dear parents.

Well, sure, you know, I love your parents, and it was no trouble, really.

And, now, Marsha, I need you to pay attention very carefully. You are fired as of today, this minute.

(Pause)

Is there a warrant out for me?

This was one of the most difficult conversations that I have had in recent memory. I fired a caregiver who had become like a member of the family, whom I had entrusted with the care of my dear, funny, difficult, beloved old parents. I fired this person, a lovely older woman with a sweet smile, kind blue eyes, and bleached blonde hair, a person who had come highly recommended by a trusted healthcare provider and friends of my parents, who had given my mother and father good care, often going above and beyond my expectations. This caregiver had been providing round the clock, twenty-four-hour care to my elderly parents who live in their own home and have mobility needs and memory problems.

Why did I fire her? Credit card fraud and stealing checks, jewelry, medications, and food (not a meal or two, but whole weeks worth of groceries). And as time went on, there was neglect of my parents care: lack of hygiene, not giving essential medications for weeks at a time. Theres more, but I wont go into that now. You get the idea. It was a worst-case scenario for the people for whom I hold the greatest loyalty and love. And Im the one who set it up and arranged to pay for it with their money.

The problem is that I thought I could do this job of monitoring my parents care very well. After all, I am an RN and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and have specialized in geriatric mental health for many years. But I was wrong. I live over two thousand miles away from my parents. I visit my parents three to four times a year in addition to making video calls and phone calls. However, that was not enough. After the required period of wallowing in guilt and anger and wanting to give up, I was bound and determined that I would learn how to make it work.

This story happened over two years ago. My parents still live at home; they still have round the clock caregivers. However, almost everything about their arrangement is different now. I no longer hand over the reins to anyone for any part of their care without very thorough scrutiny. I have completely changed how I manage their living and care situation. I have changed it from the ground up and with the blinders off. It has certainly not been easy, but their care and my attitude about managing it have undergone a major evolution.

After we had been taken to the cleaners by the unscrupulous caregiver, I had briefly mentioned some of my caregiving catastrophe to my friend and colleague, Amanda Lambert. As any good friend would do, she was kind and sympathetic, and as we were both busy people, we agreed to talk more at a later time. I knew that she was a geriatric care manager, but because I also had much geriatric experience, I hadnt thought previously of asking her advice about my parents care. One thing I knew we had in common from our professional work together was that we are both passionate and dedicated to supporting peoples need to age in the community, in their own home and familiar surroundings whenever possible.

In an e-mail, Amanda said casually, Hey, do you want to write a book about caregivers? Thus began a conversation that revealed a great disconnect between us about our approach to hiring caregivers. Amanda explained to me that she would have never recommended that I hire caregivers privately. And I, even after this terrible experience, still prefer to hire someone myself rather than through a private care agency. We realized that our great debate is also one that many other people are having. Every day, more and more families are facing the questions: How can I manage to work/raise my family/commute to another city and take care of mom or dad?, Who can we hire to help mom or dad with their daily needs?, and How in the world are we going to pay for it? Because, in case you havent heard, the geriatric tsunami is heading here fast.