Table of Contents
PRAISE FOR DOCTOR ALEXIS AND
The Caregivers Survival Handbook
You can trust Doctor Alexis to help you through the emotional and physical demands of caring for your aging parents.
Ann Curry, NBCsToday show
With one in four families now caring for an older family member, Abramsons book is an invaluable tool.
Chicago Tribune
The world is aging and we are all becoming aware of increased longevity. What we do not recognize is how each of us will inevitably face the great equalizercaregiving. Alexis Abramson makes a significant contribution to this demographic reality by providing us with an invaluable road map for how we care for others as they age and how we want to be cared for. Among the many insights she offers is another demographic truism: that aging and caregiving are heavily about women, their longer life expectancy, and the inordinate responsibility they face as caregivers. This book is a must-read for all of us!
Dr. Fernando M. Torres-Gil,
former assistant secretary on aging,
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services;
director, UCLA Center for Policy Research on Aging
Abramsons knowledge on senior issues and resources is vast. She writes with genuine compassion both for the sandwich generation and those they care for.
The Cleveland Plain-Dealer
Abramsons soothing, compassionate advice [is] sure to bolster the sense of self of many adults who are dealing with caring for their aging parents.
Publishers Weekly
Few entrepreneurs have focused more sharply on the needs of older Americans than Alexis Abramson.
Time
Abramson dreams of a barrier-free society for seniors and disabled people.
Style
In my twenty-six years of working for AARP, I have encountered few people who have the knowledge, experience, and passion that Alexis possesses for serving older persons. Alexis has accomplished a lot and has gained a well-deserved national reputation as an authority on issues affecting older persons.
Horace B. Deets,
former executive director, AARP
Alexis represents the fusion of two great American qualities: a passion to do good combined with a wonderful entrepreneurial flair.
Ken Dychtwald,
president and CEO, Age Wave
I dedicate this book
to my phenomenal grandparents,
Mimi Rose, Popop Sam, Mimi Esther, and Popop Joe.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I would like to thank
all of my friends and family, especially the following individuals who graciously supported me during the writing of this book:
My husband, Tom. Youre magical. I love you!
My mom, for your inspiration, vision, focus, and grace
My dad, for your insight, humor, and wisdom
Max and Micah, for always bringing out the child in me
Pete and Cara, for your unwavering support and love
Claudia, for your generosity, mentorship, and kindness
Rana, for your encouragement and enthusiasm
Louise, for your deep friendship and loyalty
The Gentner and Duggan families, for welcoming me into your lives with such warmth
Susan Raihofer and everyone at the David Black Literary Agency, my agents and champions, without whom this book would never have come to fruition
John Duff and everyone at Penguin and Perigee, for your strong commitment to this project
Mary Anne Dunkin, for your dedication, passion, and devotion to the writing of this book
And finally, I wholeheartedly acknowledge all the caregivers who selflessly give their love, time, and money to improve the quality of life for others.
INTRODUCTION
Ten of the best years of my life were the ones I spent caring for my maternal grandmother, Mimi Rose. I learned from her how to be a strong, independent woman who could stand on my own two feet regardless of the circumstances. Mimi Rose was my s-hero.
As her caregiver, I shopped for her groceries, helped balance her checkbook, coordinated her doctors appointments, prepared her meals, and made sure she took her medications on time. I also continued to learn from herhow to age gracefully and with dignity, how to remain strong and maintain a sense of humor during difficult times, and how to unconditionally love and care for another human being. During my ten years as her caregiver, I developed a deep respect and regard for the journey of caregiving, but most of all I loved and cherished the time we spent together. I will be forever grateful for the opportunity to have played such an important role in the life of a woman who was such an important influence on mine.
But thats not to say every day was easy. Many were far from it. Nor is that to say caregiving wasnt exhausting. From my experience as a caregiver, I know there will be many days when you feel like throwing up your hands and just giving up, and many days youll feel everyone is making demands of you, yet no one appreciates you. Theres a reason why family caregivers often refer to their role as the most thankless job out there!
Thankless, yes, but a job many of us share. By current estimates, 44 million American adultsor approximately 19 percent of uscare for an aging friend or family member, usually a parent. As the last of the baby boomers turn fifty, and their parents reach their seventies and eighties, that number stands to grow, and along with it, the emotional and financial cost to caregivers and society.
In addition to the emotional price we pay, caring for our aging parents can have a steep financial toll. For the average worker, that cost equates to more than half a million dollars in lost wages, due to either cutting back on work hours or leaving a job completely to handle caregiving responsibilities. For businesses, the cost is reduced productivity by employees who must come in late, leave early, or spend time on the phone tending to caregiving duties. Clearly, caregivers need more paid leave, flextime, and on-site elder care: Its good for employees and employers!
Care recipients need businesses to be more attuned to their needs as well. For example, easy-to-open aspirin bottles and levers rather than knobs on doors make life much easier for elders with arthritis in the joints of their hands. Ive consulted with drugstore chains about the importance of stocking products for mature adults at eye level. After menopause, the average American woman loses an inch and a half in height each decade due to the collapse of the vertebrae in her spine, and putting items like incontinence products within her reach is crucial. What adult wouldnt feel embarrassed having to request help to reach for a box of Depends?
Sensitivity to the needs of elders is desperately lacking in this country. The reality is that insensitivity toward both the elderly and caregivers is a virtual epidemic. Like women and men in other helping professions, caregivers are not shown the consideration they deserve. Caregivers, who give so much to others, are nevertheless often devalued and made to feel invisible. Its as if, one caregiver told me, we dont even exist.
As our society ages and baby boomers reach the stage of life where our elderly parents are now, I have no doubt that this segment of our population will become more visible and the treatment of its members will change for the better. This large and vocal generation, used to getting what they want from life, will demand it. Nevertheless, long-held attitudes toward the elderly and their caregivers may take many more years to changeunless we begin to empower our elders now. Doing so is not only our duty, it is our privilege, because by empowering our elders we empower ourselves.
