Elizabeth B. Adams - Living with Momma: A Good Persons Guide to Caring for Aging Parents, Adult Children, and Ourselves

A Good Persons Guide
to Caring for Aging Parents,
Adult Children, and Ourselves

Elizabeth B. Adams, MAPT

NASHVILLE

NEW YORKLONDONMELBOURNEVANCOUVER

Living with Momma

A Good Persons Guide to Caring for Aging Parents, Adult Children, and Ourselves

2019 Elizabeth B. Adams, MAPT

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ISBN 978-1-64279-147-1 paperback

ISBN 978-1-64279-148-8 eBook

Library of Congress Control Number: 2018907293

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For the boy who asked me to prom
and the man I have loved dancing with
for over thirty-seven years.

By Rosemary Daniell

When I first met Elizabeth Adams at a Zona Rosa writing retreat I was leading for women in the North Georgia mountains, I was struck by her beautiful, loving demeanor. At the time, I was under a great deal of stress, seeking to help one of my adult daughters out of a difficult life situation that, despite my efforts, seemed to be escalating instead of getting better.

That first night, as Elizabeth and I sat on the couch in the relaxing living room of the ranch where we would spend the next two days, we talked and she immediatelyas though she sensed what was going onshared that she too had had a family situation that was disruptive to her peace of mind. At the same time, she seemed calm, as though neither that difficulty, nor the stresses of her various professionsadoption advocate and pastoral counselor to parents of sick children among themhad fractured her serenity in the way my situation had mine.

All weekend too, I observed her grace and supportiveness of the other women writers in our group as we discussed their writing projects. It was Mothers Day weekend, and I noticed thatwhile I was spending my time after our sessions making frantic phone calls home, seeking to resolve the latest crisis, Elizabeth was on her smart phonewith her adult childrenlooking relaxed and delighted to hear from them.

During those moments, I knew I wanted what she had.

Flash forward a month during which the problems in my daughters lifeand thus, my own life, accelerated at an even more rapid pace, making me feel as though I was being swept up in vortex. While my daughters long-standing opioid addiction appeared to be under control, these crises were magnified by the fact that she had also become physically disabled as the result of a series of falls. At one point, after accompanying her to doctor appointment after doctor appointment, I had pushed myself to fulfill her every need as she first moved in with me to escape an abusive boyfriend, then back to her apartment after Id cleaned and packed her belongings in an effort to create a calm environment for her when she returned. The next day, after moving her back in, Id shopped for groceries for her, and delivered them, knowing full well I had to drive five plus hours through heavy traffic to Atlanta early the next morning to lead a Zona Rosa workshop there. Instead, I found myself on a desolate exit ramp off of a busy freeway, seeking to calm myself in the midst of a terrifying panic attack.

Back at homenot having made it to AtlantaI realized I had no choice. If I wanted to remain sane and productive, I had to change. That night, I made a list, enumerating what I would and would not do (mostly, not ) to achieve this goala goal that didnt mean I loved my daughter any less, but only that I had to also begin love myself more. As I read it to my husband, I saw the relief in his eyes. While I had been concerned for her, he had been concerned for me , often saying he was worried that Id still be doing this in my 80s, a birthday I had recently reached.

Besides seeking to save my daughters life during the many active years of her addiction, I had also care-given my husband after a near fatal heart attack, a subsequent staph infection and a years-long bout with alcoholism. Along the way, I had become guardian to my schizophrenic adult son, taking him to doctors appointments, seeing that he was properly housed and caregiving him in my home until his death from cancer. As payee for both he and his sisters disability checks, I was also responsible for their finances, and thus needsall the while seeking to make a life for myself as a writer and teacher.

Once, during all this, Id bought a book, How to Change Your Life and Everyone in It in One Month or Less , and tried over and over to follow its instructions. But now, despite the problem-solving, can do nature that Id always prided myself on, and however beloved others might be to me, I was ready to face the fact that there might be limits to what I could do, and that this time, I might need a more spiritual approach.

Thus, when Elizabeth emailed me, asking me to read her book, Living with Momma , and possibly write the foreword for it, I felt blessedthat the heavens had, with perfect synchronicity, dropped a gift into my life. Indeed, I was hungry and in need of whatever wisdom she had to share. As a Zen proverb says, When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. And as I began reading, I knew beyond a doubt I was about to learn exactly what I needed to know.

It turned out that Elizabeth, too, had her own wake up call, though hers had to do with seeking to care-give her beloved mother, Bobbi, who was terminally ill with cancer three hundred miles away. Like me, she had sought to do more that than she could comfortably do (her story, like the stories of many other women, is detailed in the book, so I wont give it away here), leading her too, to a dangerous situation on a long drive on a freeway.

The first and most striking thing I learned as I read is what Elizabeth describes as the difference between caretakingthat is, doing things for othersand caregiving, which is caring for them from the heart. Yes, I loved my daughter, but I wasnt doing her any favors by hurting myself and my serenity, and the idea of coming from loveloving myself as I loved hercame as a huge relief.

Elizabeth, who describes herself as a practical theologian is exactly that. Throughout Living with Momma , she deals with true life situations, and gives us down-to-earth, usable advice at the same time thatas a Navajo saying goesshe speaks to the highest that is in us. Calling on the wisdom of the ages, she asks us to answer three life-changingand surprisingquestions, which youll find early on in the book. She suggests we begin a reflective journal, stopping to contemplate inspiring Biblical readings as we do so. She helps us to learn to say I need, a phrase that comes hard to some of us. At this point, my daughter was at the stage, described in a New Yorker cartoon, in which one woman tells another, Im at that point in life when I dont want my parents to tell me what to do but I still want to blame them for it. The day I was able to journal that I had actually said I dont want to in response to one of her urgent requests was a huge breakthrough.