Iris Waichler - Role reversal: how to take care of yourself and your aging parents

Praise for Role Reversal

Iris Waichler delicately describes the nature of life struggle as we get older. She not only describes how to be an advocate for your parents but also fulfilling that role as daughter. This book is sure to help in the understanding of words like hospice and Alzheimers. It addresses living wills, estate planning, driving concerns, adult day enhancement, nursing homes, and just what to expect during the mortal nature of living. More than anything though, it reflects on decline such that dignity may be preserved. This book is certain to lift your spirits, raise your intellect, and contribute to the purpose behind giving back to what parents give their children.

Steven Atkinson PA-C, MS Geriatric Internal Medicine,
Adjunct Faculty-University of Utah

Role Reversal does a beautiful job of intertwining personal experience with professional guidance. Her professional background working with older adults, combined with her long and loving relationship with her father, make her uniquely qualified to provide insight and support. With every page her father comes alive as the spirited, driven, and devoted person that he was. His story is an inspiration. This highly readable book will leave you feeling like you know Ms. Waichler and her father well. It will also gift you with resources and guidance as you engage with your parent in later life.

Susan Alterman, Psy/D, licensed clinical psychologist

Iris Waichler did a beautiful job covering the various aspects and challenges related to becoming a caregiver. From the emotional and financial stresses, to the decision-making process and paperwork, caregiving can be overwhelming. This book takes a unique approach by sharing one mans incredible story while simultaneously preparing readers for the unexpected and offering resources and guidance to ease the transition.

B. Popper, Account Director

Copyright 2016

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, digital scanning, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, please address She Writes Press.

Published 2016

Printed in the United States of America

ISBN: 978-1-63152-091-4 pbk

ISBN: 978-1-63152-092-1 ebk

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016935741

Cover design by Julie Metz Ltd./metzdesign.com

Interior design by Tabitha Lahr

For information, address:

She Writes Press

1563 Solano Ave #546

Berkeley, CA 94707

She Writes Press is a division of SparkPoint Studio, LLC.

Please note that suggestions in this book are not meant to replace the proper role of a nutritionist, doctor, or other health-care provider. This book is not intended as a substitute for the medical advice of physicians. The reader should regularly consult a physician in matters relating to his/her health and particularly with respect to any symptoms that may require diagnosis or medical attention.

Chapter 1:The Early Years
Coping with Grief and Loss of Family

Chapter 2:My Father Goes to War
Understanding and Coping with Memory Loss

Chapter 3:Marriage, Home, and Family
Adult Children as Caretakers and the Challenges of Long Distance

Chapter 4:Coping with Cancer
When a Loved One Has a Terminal Illness

Chapter 5:Aging and Living Alone
Seniors at Home: Driving, Care Options, and Medications

Chapter 6:Transitions: Leaving Home
Finding the Right Assisted-Living Community

Chapter 7:Life in Dads Pad and an Unexpected Illness
Assessing Life at Home and the Caretaking Team

T his book was conceived as I watched my loving and lovable father, Melvin Edward Sneider, advance in age. I began to assume a larger role in his life, helping him when he asked, and later even when he didnt. He needed the help even though he didnt know it.

As I began sharing my idea about this book, I met so many people who began telling stories of becoming caregivers for their loved ones. I heard their stories of the good and bad and everything the role entails.

I dedicate this book to my father, who vowed to never be a burden and did the best he could to take care of his family and himself every day of his life. I also dedicate my book to the millions of people who are or have been caregivers for their family or friends. Your challenges may feel overwhelming at times; some days they certainly are. Hopefully, along the way you will experience the rewards that can come with this role. Always remember that you are not alone. Caregivers need to be able to ask for help. My goal for this book is to remind you there are people and places you can turn to.

Many of us may ultimately need the kindness of a caregiver some day. And I hope there is someone in your life that will be there to take on that role when you need it the most.

T he phone rang at 11:00 P.M. and immediately jolted me awake. Those of us with elderly parents know the uneasy feeling when an unexpected call awakens us late at night. I jumped up and hurried to the phone.

It was a nurse at my fathers assisted-living facility. Dad had fallen. I think you should come over right away, she told me.

I was out the door and in my car in five minutes, going as fast as I could on the ten-minute drive to Dads place. I was thinking about him and how he had done all he could to take care of himself and be independent. He had been so strong and capable when my siblings and I were growing up. Over the years, hed facedand overcomemany challenges. He continued to amaze us with his humor and ability to rebound.

I got to his apartment. I could hear a woman laughing on the other side of the door. When I walked in, Dad was sitting on his couch in his underwear and bathrobe. His right arm and leg were covered in blood. And he was holding the nurses hand, shamelessly flirting with her.

Listen, doll, he said, I think Im gonna make it, dont you? She smiled at us both, and assured me that he was okay.

Dad had fallen in his bathroom, grabbing the towel bar on the way down. Hed banged his leg and arm against the tub. Luckily hed been aware enough to pull the emergency cord in his bathroom to get help.

What about his injuries? I asked her. And his vital signs? She told me he was fine.

His vital signs were just slightly elevated. But neither she nor my dad could explain exactly why he fell.

Your dad is quite a joker, she told me cheerfully.

I spent the night sleeping on the floor at Dads apartment, having been unable to get comfortable on his little couch. I knew hed get up around 4:00 A.M. This had been his routine for over seventy years, and I wanted to make sure there were no more falls. It took me a long time to fall asleep. Lying there, I thought about how lucky my siblings and I were that Dad had been doing so well for such a long time. But I also began considering what additional safeguards we would need to put into place. Our goal was to keep Dad as safe and as healthy as possible.