Clark Jackie - Her Say: Survivors of Domestic Abuse Tell Their Own Stories

SEVEN YEARS AGO, I RANG A LOCAL REFUGE. At the time, I was working as a kindergarten teacher and we had some clothing I thought might find a new home. I went and had a chat with Kris, the refuge co-ordinator, and we talked about what their needs in the refuge were. She got talking and this planted the seed that formed the nucleus of The Aunties. Through the power of social media, we have brought together diverse sectors of the community and opened up some passionate conversations around what giving can really look like.

The idea for this book came about six years ago, after a visit to the women staying in the refuge. We were sitting on the veranda and they asked me to tell them my story, so I did. When I finished, they said to me, You should have been in a place like this, and I thought, Oh fuck. Thats when I stopped minimising what I had been through with my husband, Ian. I talked this over with Michle ACourt and she planted another seed to write a book telling stories that had never been told before.

At The Aunties, we have a very strong kaupapa of giving with love and without judgement, and our Aunties donate in a variety of ways financially, professionally, and by providing goods or their time and support. We also consider the term to be gender-neutral anyone can be an Aunty. We have approximately 300 regular donors, with other folks donating as and when they can. Over the past seven years, our Aunties have enabled the whnau we work with to experience wonderful Christmases, eat properly on a regular basis, have access to cultural, educational and sporting opportunities, get drivers licences, obtain or fix the essential cars in their lives, and rediscover what fun can be.

The Aunties work alongside women and whnau who are seeking to heal from domestic violence, and the stories in this book reflect just how remarkable these whine toa are. Every person has a connection with The Aunties, and you may be surprised to know that not all stories are from Mori or Pasifika women. I am deeply grateful to everyone who has shared their story for this book.

Domestic violence doesnt discriminate on the basis of age, ethnicity or gender, and in Aotearoa New Zealand it has been at epidemic levels for some time. The statistics only show the tip of the iceberg, and even they are chilling:

domestic violence is the leading cause of death by homicide for women in Aotearoa New Zealand;

at least one-third of women in Aotearoa New Zealand have experienced physical or sexual-partner violence in their lifetimes;

one in four women from high-income households has experienced physical and/or sexual-partner violence in their lifetimes;

at least one in 10 New Zealand men has experienced childhood sexual abuse;

every four minutes, there is a call-out to the police and government agencies for a domestic-violence incident;

an estimated 76 per cent of domestic-violence incidents go unreported.

Domestic or family violence is an umbrella term that includes (but is not limited to) intimate-partner violence, child abuse and neglect, elder abuse, abuse of siblings, parental abuse, and violence against disabled people.

Domestic violence is any behaviour that in any way controls or dominates a family member, and causes them to fear for their own or another family members safety or well-being. It can include physical, sexual, psychological, emotional or economic abuse, and any behaviour that causes a child to hear, witness or be exposed to the effects of that behaviour. It occurs within a variety of interpersonal relationships, including those between partners, parents and children, siblings, and other relationships considered to be family. It can be a single incident or a pattern of behaviour (source: New Zealand Family Violence Clearinghouse, www.nzfvc.org.nz).

But the textbook definitions and statistics cant convey the hurt and the pain that survivors of domestic violence feel. They dont reflect the social and financial impact that occurs when people have to move constantly to be safe from perpetrators, leave jobs, or are simply unable to function due to the stress that living in domestic violence causes. It doesnt even start to cover the intergenerational harm that plays out as children learn how to behave at the hands of their abusers.

The way The Aunties operates has changed over the course of its seven years. We listened to the whnau we work with and adjusted accordingly. We were delighted to shake up the charity space in Aotearoa New Zealand when it came to charity and tinned tomatoes. We invited people to think about giving from a position of empathy and compassion, not demanding gratitude for the expired tins of sardines they no longer wanted. We moved the discussion from being grateful for what youre given to giving what is asked for and needed. It caused a furore at the time, but also opened the door to some really useful conversations.

We know that those conversations will continue as The Aunties continues to evolve. My ultimate aim is to have the women who have received support from The Aunties eventually run the organisation, bringing their experience and wisdom as they support others.