Denise Handlarski - The A-Z of Intermarriage

The AZ of INTERMARRIAGE

RABBI DENISE HANDLARSKI

NEW JEWISH PRESS

an imprint of University of Toronto Press
Toronto Buffalo London

Rabbi Denise Handlarski 2020

Published by New Jewish Press

an imprint of University of Toronto Press

Toronto Buffalo London

utorontopress.com

Printed in Canada

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication

Title: The AZ of intermarriage / Rabbi Denise Handlarski.

Names: Handlarski, Denise, 1979, author.

Description: Includes bibliographical references and index.

Identifiers: Canadiana (print) 20190209585 | Canadiana (ebook) 20190209615 | ISBN 9781487506780 (paper) | ISBN 9781487534820 (PDF) | ISBN 9781487534837 (EPUB)

Subjects: LCSH: Interfaith marriage. | LCSH: Marriage Religious aspects Judaism.

Classification: LCC HQ1031 .H36 2020 | DDC 306.84/3 dc23

University of Toronto Press acknowledges the financial assistance to its publishing program of the Canada Council for the Arts and the Ontario Arts Council, an agency of the Government of Ontario.

To Ruby and Jacob

This book could not have been written without the many couples and community members invite me into their stories and their lives. Thanks to everyone whom I have been honored to serve. Thanks to all of my colleagues, congregants, and many communities of which I am lucky to be part. Thanks also to Natalie Fingerhut at University of Toronto Press, without whom this book would not have made its way to the world. Your humor and insight are a marvel. Thanks to my dear family and friends. Thanks most of all, and much love, to my partner, Charlie, and our children, who fill the pages of this book as they fill the days of my life.

When I was a teen, I attended a talk called The Disaster of Intermarriage. At that time, I remember seriously wrestling with the idea that if I married someone who wasnt Jewish, Id be giving up my identity. I also, however, had a tinge of a feeling that this was racism or xenophobia, in some way. Couldnt you be both proudly Jewish and open to creating a family with someone who was different? There are many thousands of intermarried Jews in North America, most of whom are raising children Jewishly, practicing Judaism in some way, and participating in Jewish community. Yet the narrative of intermarriage as disaster remains firmly in place.

Why a reference guide to intermarriage? There is no how-to guide for marriage or for life, but perhaps we can come close to creating one. The AZ of Intermarriage is a compendium of story and strategy; a coming together of religious source material, cultural context, personal narrative, and the learning Ive done along the way.

The reason I am so passionate about this book is that I am intermarried and serve many intermarried couples in my role as wedding officiant and rabbi in the Humanistic Jewish movement. In this movement, we serve cultural and secular Jews, offering community, celebrations, and ceremonies without the language of prayer. Because we let go of what Jewish law tells us we have to do and, instead, use Jewish ethics to guide a sense of what we believe to be ethical and just in the contemporary moment, we were officiating and celebrating intermarried weddings long before any other Jewish group. This wasnt a marketing ploy or done as a way to ensure our own continuity, although our communities have no doubt grown and thrived as a result of our openness. The goal was simply to serve the people in our communities well. And to do that, we had to recognize that intermarriage is a positive result of the openness of North American society (and other societies too). We are accepted! We are even loved! This is great news for a people who have been expelled and excoriated in most corners of the globe. It is my goal to use my experience and expertise as an intermarried rabbi, one of only a handful in the world, to try to help others create meaningful, engaged, wonderful lives.

I am a believer in the power of intermarriage. I think it is healthy for individuals and families to experience and express pride in who they are, in the diversity and divergence that makes them (us) who they (we) are.

I believe intermarriage can be a positive and healthy-making force for Jews, Jewish families, and Jewish communities. Judaism has traditionally denounced intermarriage, even excising and rejecting folks who want to join in Jewish activities and groups all while worrying about Jewish population numbers and the decline of communities. I have often found there are two parallel threads, completely in contradiction with one another, in Jewish life: (1) Oy vey, there arent enough Jews and (2) You arent Jewish enough, so-and-so isnt Jewish enough, lets keep really tight boundaries to keep others out.

Look, I get it. We are a minority and minorities have felt and continue to feel under threat. Many people talk about assimilation as the greatest threat Judaism has ever known. And theyre not wrong! Assimilation is a threat, but the anti-intermarriage narrative only intensifies that threat. When the Jewish community is insular, closed-minded, and exclusionary, many of its members will choose to leave. No one is itching to join a club that does not respect their families, and their values. Many Jews today welcome universality and equality and celebrate justice and openness. Even for those who do not choose to intermarry, openness to intermarried families is attractive to many contemporary Jews who want their own groups to be diverse and welcoming.

But this is not a book about all that. Thats backdrop. This book is meant to be both practical and entertaining; it is meant to be a book and an experience rooted in text and philosophy and rich with real-world experience. This book is written for people who

• Are intermarried, open to intermarriage, or considering intermarriage
• Have family members who are intermarried
• Are interested in points of view about intermarriage theyve never considered
• Would never get married but are in/considering an intercultural relationship, so close enough
• Love how-to books
• Want to know about Jewish approaches to life, learning, and love
• Think of the alphabet as their jam

Heres what youll find in this book:

• An AZ how-to manual for intermarriage; what issues arise and how to deal with them; useful concepts to consider
• An introduction that begins each of the AZ listings to explain key concepts being discussed under that particular letter
• Select concepts under each of the letters that have been chosen to best exemplify ideas and practices that are meaningful to intermarried couples and families
• Jewish and other religious source material
• Personal experiences and anecdotes of real people who have experienced these real issues
• Ideas, inspirations, and illustrations for how to live a happy and balanced intermarried life
• Cross references throughout the text that can easily locate topics of interest; for example, see H for Holidays and see C for Children

With literally thousands of Jews, and millions of people across religions/cultures, choosing to marry someone outside their own culture, there is a growing population searching for ways to make their marriages and families culturally engaged so that they feel authentic and inclusive. This guide is also something that will interest the parents and families of people who are intermarrying, so that they can learn more about their child and how to support them. If you are intermarried or you love someone who is intermarried, this book is for you!