Michael Tougias - No Will Set You Free: Learn to Say No, Set Boundaries, Stop People Pleasing, and Live a Fuller Life (How an Organizational Approach to No Improves your Health and Psychology)

Other Works by
Michael J. Tougias

Rescue of the Bounty: A True Story of Disaster and Su rvival in
Superstorm Sandy , Simon & Schuster, coauthor Dougla s Campbell

A Storm Too Soon: A True Story of Disaster, Surv ival, and
an Incredible Rescue , Simon & Schuster

Overboard! A True Blue-Water Odyssey of Disaster and Survival , Simon & Schuster

Fatal Forecast: An Incredible True Story of Dis aster and
Survival at Sea , Simon & Schuster

Ten Hours Until Dawn: The True Story of Heroism and Tragedy Aboard the Can Do , St. Martins Press, American Library Association Best Book of the Year Selection

The Finest Hours: The True Story of the US Coas t Guards
Most Daring Sea Rescue , Simon & Schuster, coauthor Casey Sherman, finalist for the Massachusetts Book Award

The Waters Between Us: A Boy, A Father, Outdoor Misadventures, and the Healing Power of Nature

Until I Have No Country: A Novel of King Philips In dian War ,
Christopher Matthews Publishing

King Philips War: The History and Legacy of
Americas Forgotten Conflict , WW Norton, coauthor Er ic Schultz

Above & Beyond: John F. Kennedy and Americas Most Dangerous Spy Mission , PublicAffairs, coauthor Cas ey Sherman

Theres a Porcupine in My Outhouse: Misadventures of a Mountain Man Wannabe , On Cape Publications, winner of the Independent Publishers Association Best Nature Book of the Year Award

So Close to Home: A True Story of an American Familys Fight for Survival During WWII , Pegasus Books, coauthor Alis on OLeary

River Days: Exploring the Connecticut River from Sourc e to Sea,
On Cape Pu blications

AMCs Best Day Hikes Near Boston, Appalachian Mou ntain Club

Nature Walks in Central and Western MA

Exploring the Hidd en Charles

Country Roads of Mas sachusetts

Quiet Places of Mas sachusetts

New England W ild Places

The Cringe Chronicles (with Kristi n Tougias)

Middle Reader Books: The Finest Hours, A Storm Too Soon,
Attacked At Sea, Into the Blizzard, Abandon Ship, C laws, and
Ghost of the Forest

Quabbin: A History and Explo rers Guide

The Blizz ard of 78

Extreme Survival (Wi nter 2023)

No

Will Set You

Free

Learn to Say No, Set Boundaries, Stop People Pleasing, and Live a Fuller Life

Michael J. Tougias
NYT bestselling author

Coral Gables

Copyright 2022 by Michael Tougias.
Published by Mango Publishing, a division of Mango Publishing Group, Inc.

Cover Design & Art Direction: Morgane Leoni
Layout & Design: Katia Mena

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No Will Set You Free: Learn to Say No, Set Boundaries, Stop People Pleasing, and Live a Fuller Life

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication number: 2021953171
ISBN: (print) 978-1-64250-834-5, (ebook) 978-1-64250-835-2
BISAC category code PSY017000, PSYCHOLOGY / Interpersonal Relations

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Why We Say Yes
(And Why No Seems So Hard)

When to Lean Toward Yes
(And Say No to Nagging Problems)

Careful Use of No with
Your Relatives and Spouse

No Without Saying No
(or The Art of Taking a Pass)

The Three Ps: Perfectionism, Procrastination,
and Patterning

No and Negotiations, Operating Your Own
Business, or Managing a Department

Historic Nos and Nos of
Conviction and Consequence

I usually devour books, often reading them in two or three days. However, with No Will Set You Free , you might want to consider reading a chapter or two each day, preferably in the morning, and then implementing some of the techniques and mindsets while they are fresh in your memory. And after you have read the first three or four chapters, the book is written so you can jump ahead and read a particular chapter that speaks directly to your current situation. Then you can go back and pick up where you left off. The cumulative effect of each chapter topic gives reinforcement to your quest to take back your time.

By the time you reach the end of the book, a couple of weeks or more will have gone by, and you should see the blossoming of real change in your life. And that is just the beginning. As you get better at reclaiming your time, its my hope that you are on the permanent path of less stress, fewer commitments, and more joy.

Introduction
Break Those Chains!

We have all been taught to seize the moment and say yes to opportunities, invitations, and requests on our time. Most of us say yes without thinking. Society has trained us to be polite and accommodate a friend, take that promotion, go to that party. We have said yes for so long we dont even consider its downside.

Studies have shown that we underestimate how difficult it is to say no. Some of that research is sprinkled into the following pages. Researcher and Professor Vanessa Bohns, PhD at Cornell University, has performed studies where participants asked more than 14,000 strangers various requests. The strangers complied at a rate far higher than the requesters predicted. Compliance wasnt necessarily because the strangers wanted to perform the task, but rather their dread of saying no. Many people, writes Dr. Bohns, agree to do thingseven things they would prefer not to dosimply to avoid the considerable discomfort of saying no. You might be one of tho se people.

This little book will break you of that habit. It will make you reconsider how you conduct yourself in your job and how you use your free time. I know this because I was a yes man. But through a long journey, I learned the power of No . Im going to share that journey, and hopefully, some of my earlier predicaments and faulty decision-making will resonate with you, and youll say, Ive done the exact s ame thing .

By learning the strength and freedom within one simple word, No , I turned what I considered an average life into an extraordinary one. In the pages that follow, you will see how I transitioned out of a soul-sucking job and launched a career that I was passionate aboutone that brought me joy and more wealth than I had dreamed of. That was just beginning. Once I learned that No could set me free, my life took off in various new directionsall of them more fulfilling than where I had been. Some of those stories are in this book to show you that you too can harness No and start on a path of continued happiness.

Ill wager many of those reading this dont fully realize what a yes person you are. But because you picked up this book, you have an inkling that you need to make some changes in your life to better serve the real you. We only have one life, and the most important aspect in our control is time: how, where, and with whom we portion it out. The trick is to use it the way you really want to and not get swept up by spending it the way others would have you handle it.