Terri Cole - Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

Sounds True

Boulder, CO 80306

2021 Terri Cole

Sounds True is a trademark of Sounds True, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner without written permission from the author(s) and publisher.

This book is not intended as a substitute for the medical recommendations of physicians, mental health professionals, or other health-care providers. Rather, it is intended to offer information to help the reader cooperate with physicians, mental health professionals, and health-care providers in a mutual quest for optimal well-being. We advise readers to carefully review and understand the ideas presented and to seek the advice of a qualified professional before attempting to use them.

Some names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.

Published 2021

Book design by Maureen Forys, Happenstance Type-O-Rama

Illustrations (c) Wayne Fick, Wayne Fick Branding

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Cole, Terri (Psychotherapist), author.

Title: Boundary boss : the essential guide to talk true, be seen, and

(finally) live free / Terri Cole, Psychotherapist, LCSW.

Description: Boulder, CO : Sounds True, [2021] | Includes bibliographical

references.

Identifiers: LCCN 2020037202 (print) | LCCN 2020037203 (ebook) | ISBN

9781683647683 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781683647690 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: Assertiveness in women. | WomenLife skills guides. |

WomenPsychology. | Self-actualization (Psychology) in women. | Stress

(Psychology)

Classification: LCC BF575.A85 C65 2021 (print) | LCC BF575.A85 (ebook) |

DDC 155.3/3392dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020037202

LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020037203

First and foremost, this book is dedicated to courageous women from around the world who are committed to creating healthy relationships and extraordinary lives. This book is for you. I see you and am honored to guide you on this transformational journey.

To my one and only, Victor Juhasz, whose unwavering support, love, and culinary skills made the writing of this book possible.

To my mother, Jan Cole, who has always believed I could.

If not you, who?

If not now, when?

• You have the right to say no (or yes) to others without feeling guilty.
• You have the right to make mistakes, to course correct, or change your mind.
• You have the right to negotiate for your preferences, desires, and needs.
• You have the right to express and honor all of your feelings, if you so choose.
• You have the right to voice your opinion even if others disagree.
• You have the right to be treated with respect, consideration, and care.
• You have the right to determine who has the privilege of being in your life.
• You have the right to communicate your boundaries, limits, and deal-breakers.
• You have the right to prioritize your self-care without feeling selfish.
• You have the right to talk true, be seen, and live free.

Do you ever say yes when you want to say no?

Do you prioritize other peoples needs or desires above your own?

Do you often feel like you should be doing more in all areas of your life?

Are you overly invested in the decisions, feelings, and outcomes of the people you love?

Are you so resistant to asking for help that you end up doing most things yourself?

If any of these questions resonate, then you, my dear, are one of my over-functioning, over-giving, totally exhausted, sisters. Youre also in exactly the right place.

Healthy, robust personal boundaries are the key to living a fulfilled, empowered, and self-directed life. Based on my personal and professional experience as a licensed clinical therapist for the last 23 years, I believe this is a fact. Every client who walks through my office doors, from the well-heeled millennial magazine editor, to the 40-something suburban mom, to the divorced CEO, has a different presenting problem: cheating spouse, overbearing boss, shitshow for family dynamics, and so on. Yet, at the heart of every single clients distress is the same problem: a lack of healthy boundaries. Fortunately, learning how to establish and enforce good boundaries is exactly what alleviates this pain. And its totally doable.

Listen: if you are lacking in this all-important skill, you are not alone. I'm going to guess that you did not learn about healthy boundaries in school or at home, right? How can you possibly know what no one ever taught you?

Expecting to just know the language of healthy boundaries, without any instruction, is like thinking you could wake up fluent in Mandarin or Russian or any other language just by wishing hard enough. Not possible. Think of this book as a language intensive for effective boundaries, like Rosetta Stone. With study and practice, you definitely can become fluent, and when you do, every part of your life will blossom. You will become more empowered in your relationships, especially the one you have with yourself. Which, as it turns out, is the most important relationship of all.

This book is a strategically designed how-to guide for becoming a full-fledged Boundary Boss (BB). A Boundary Boss is a woman who

• has a deep understanding of herself, including how her dysfunctional boundary patterns came to be and how they might be holding her back in the here and now;
• knows how to identify and transform any behavioral blocks standing between her and her true, heart-centered desires and their fulfillment;
• speaks truthfully, knowing that is the only way to create the life she wants and deserves;
• is committed to her own growth starting from exactly where she is right now.

(Note: This book was written with cisgendered women in mind, but I believe that anyone can benefit from the strategies and content. Boundary issues cross all gender expressions, in my experience.)

To align your behavior with your true desires, were going to be spending some time clearing out what I refer to as your basementin other words, your unconscious mind. Your basement stores beliefs and experiences that youve neatly tucked away and then promptly forgotten (at least consciously). Basement junk shapes your life in ways youre not entirely aware of. You can usually tell when it is in play because your reactions become supercharged or way out of proportion to the actual situation. Or you act against your best interests or better judgment. After the fact, you might think, What the hell was that? You may ignore your intuition and the signs from your body in an unconscious effort to avoid discomfort. This is called being human. If youre struggling with a present-day situation, I promise you that clearing the crap out of your basement will reveal relevant info and set you on a path to freedom.

Its normal to resist rehashing past experiences. Initially, many of my clients balk at my suggestion that we suit up and head to the basement, saying things like:

1. It was so long ago; I should be over it.
2. I dont want to blame my parents.
3. I had a happy childhood!

If I could teach you to become a successful Boundary Boss without the basement excavation, I definitely would. (And to be clear, our journey does not include blaming anyone.) Good news: Ill be guiding you the entire time, holding your hand, shining my headlamp to light our way. You got this, and I got you.