Jill Brooke - The Need to Say No: The Importance of Setting Boundaries in Love, Life, & Your World--How to Be Bullish and Not Bullied

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The Need to Say No
Text copyright 2013 Jill Brooke

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.
eISBN: 978-1-57826-462-9

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher.

Cover Design by Carolyn Kasper and Dede Cummings / DCDESIGN

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I would like to thank Stephen Gerringer, one of the guiding lights leading the Joseph Campbell Foundation, for taking me down a rabbit hole to discover ancient bull myths and symbols. He not only provided access to resources found in Joseph Campbells personal librarypreserved and maintained by the OPUS Archives and Research Centerbut always brought smiles with his missives, which were signed, Metaphorically Yours, Stephen.

I am also grateful to my sister-in-law Denise Brooke who, when cleaning out a closet, stumbled on Dr. Henry Clouds 1992 book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life when I was about to turn in this project. Dr. Henry Cloud is someone whom I respect and admire for his knowledge of both the spiritual and the practical. He has both strength and sensitivity, as well as the most practical advice for anyone needing boundaries.

Thank you also to Susan Rivers at Yale Universitys Center for Emotional Intelligence for giving me both research and her time. Also, a special thanks to those who truly love and study bulls and cattle, including researcher Christine Barley and bull rider and teacher Gary Leffew.

Kerry Kennedy is not only a friend but also a role model in saying no to adult bullies. As she said at a speech for the RFK Center for Justice and Human Rights, Moral courage isnt standing up just to governments and armies, but friends and families. It is the willingness to be ostracized by your community for what you believe is right. I thank you for letting me use excerpts from that speech in this book.

I would also like to acknowledge David Simon. No one has taught me more about digging deep into emotion to unearth those nuggets of truth that throb in all of us. He is my writing partner and pal, and I am so grateful to access his big brain and heart, which he gives of so generously. He is the wisest of bulls.

Last but not least, I want to thank my editor Anna Krusinski for her grace and talent, and for never minding when I called to ask, What do you think of this? And the bulls in my life who offered expertise and encouragement for this project, including Fern Siegel, Carolyn Tenney, Andrea Kates, Roger Friedman, Leslie Lampert, Robert Albertson, Elena Castaneda, Suzanne Murphy, and Nancy Behrman. And my husband, Gary, who over the years has revealed himself to be the strongest of bulls.

I n the bullpen of life, there are many bulls you have to deal withincluding yourself. After all, there are over 800 breeds, each with distinctive personality traits.

Some bulls you meet are cold-blooded, while others respond to warmth. Some are bred to be combative, while others make friends with fellow animals and herd the group to safe havens and prosperity. And yes, of course there are those stubborn types that when triggered can be bullheaded. But many also have the capacity for tenderness and tenacity.

Too often, we look in fear and awe at a bulls physical strength and dont examine its hidden complexities and potential for offering so much wisdom. Because bulls, like humans, can be misunderstood creatures.

For example, in bullfights, a bull doesnt flare its nostrils, stomp its feet, and charge into attack simply upon seeing the color red. In fact, bulls are color blind. However, bulls are very sensitive to movement, and its the waving of the matadors cape that activates a gladiatorial response. Did you know that a fighting bull is never used in the ring twice? Bulls learn from their mistakes. This is why the finesse you use to move towards a bull, as well as to steer it away, will determine your success in joining any herd; whether its at home, at work, or in your community.

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to a better understanding of ourselves.

C ARL J UNG

We all have a part of the bull in us, but we access different parts of its character. For those of us with kinder, gentler temperaments, it can feel as though the world is full of stampeding bulls that are selfish and exploitive, often turning into workplace bullies, or adult versions of those you endured in school. With this book, you will learn to build an invincible shield to protect you from those who seek to overwhelm, intimidate, and take advantage of your good nature. You know them: The brother who tells you that you will be taking care of doddering Dad, Because youre better at it; the sister who guilts you into bailing her out financially; the boss who dismisses your concerns; the soccer coach or school mom who snubs you; the teenager who screams because he knows youll cave in; or the friends who request a million favors and then vanish the second you need help.

Somehow, some way, those human bulls are different animals than we are. But they are worth studying because, while bulldozing through life, they often achieve success. They rise to the top of their professions and social circles while you are left choking on the dust left behind, shaking your head, and lamenting why life isnt fairer.

Many of us find ourselves in this situation because we have been burdened by the desire to please. It gives us joy to help and serve. It feels good to be needed. We are taught that saying no is rude and selfish, and we should say no only to drugs and strangers. Furthermore, if you have a big heart and generosity of spirit, you shouldnt expect the same type of reciprocity. Why? Because you are supposed to lead by example.

Like you, I enjoy being a giver. But sometimes a feeling of discomfort stirred in the pit of my stomach, and I intuitively felt there was an imbalance that needed to be corrected.

One day I was in a class where a teacher advised that, although it is counterintuitive to what you have been taught, you must create clear boundaries or your life container can be drained of its vital juices. However, if protected, it can turn into a force as strong as a bull.

With the help of this bull, you can activate the wisdom of your warrior spirit and become far more effective in getting what you want in life while maintaining your values as a decent, honorable person.

The Need to Say No will guide you to gain command of your relationships by creating boundaries and zones of self-respect.