Jill Brooke - Dont Let Death Ruin Your Life: A Practical Guide to Reclaiming Happiness After the Death of a Loved One

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Table of Contents

Praise forDont Let Death Ruin Your Life

Jill Brooke breaks new ground in this excellent book: she provides us with a sense of direction and hope as we deal with our feelings, with our continuing bonds with the deceased, and with the changes we need to make in our lives.

Phyllis R. Silverman, Ph.D., author of Never Too Young to Know: Death in Childrens Lives

Jill Brooke has embraced lifes most difficult problem with grace and dignity. Her guide to help go through the loss of a loved one should find a place in every Americans home.

Bill OReilly, host of The OReilly Factor

The loss of a loved one, whether early or late in life, creates an ongoing grieving process that never goes away. Instead of telling us to let go of our attachments to loved ones, finally someone is showing us how to maintain our relationships by creating ways to honor our loved ones and keep them close by. Jill Brookes book is a blessing.

Mary Higgins Clark

A very, very important book. One wonders why it wasnt written years ago. I would have loved to have the terrific input when I lost my dad years ago.

Larry King

This is truly a practical book in that death is viewed as a normal part of life and dealing with it constructively should be a more common reaction.

Booklist

JILL BROOKEs articles have appeared in The New York Times, USA Today, Redbook, McCalls, and Ladies Home Journal, among other publications. A former CNN correspondent, she is currently editor in chief of Avenue magazine, a columnist for the New York Daily News, and host of the radio show on parenting What Do I Do Now?. She lives with her family in upstate New York.

This book is dedicated to the men who have enriched my life with all forms of love

My father, Leon
My brother, Peter
My husband, Gary
My son, Parker Leon

Acknowledgments

A friend once told me that writing the acknowledgment page is one of the favorite tasks of the author; the reason being that until then you had no idea how much work the project would require and how many people youd have to thank. This is indeed true.

First, thanks to my bosses at CNN, who gave me this incredible professional passport that enabled me to parachute into the living rooms of the best and the brightest and glean from them their expertise and wisdom, which has subsequently been used for this book.

Aside from my CNN boss Scott Leon, I thank Bill Cosby, Alan King, Mary Tyler Moore, Rosie ODonnell, Julio Iglesias, John Walsh, Tom Monahan, John Bell, Linda Bloodworth-Thomason, Donna Karan, Mary Higgins Clark, Carol Higgins Clark, Rupert Murdoch, Ted Turner, President Bill Clinton, Gary Winnick, Jimmy Lee, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Sheryl Henson, Howard Rubenstein, Donald Trump, Vince Gill, Shania Twain, Reg Green, Rep. Bart Gordon and Peter Fonda.

And then I would like to thank all the doctors, therapists, nurses, researchers, bereavement specialists, philosophers, survivors, counselors, hand-holders and real-life angels who not only enthusiastically supported this project but flooded me with research, phone numbers and perspective in the hopes that this book would shatter some of the misconceptions that contaminate the way we look at death and provide a more enlightened approach to living with loss.

I would also like to give a special thanks to the handful of people who indulged my many, many questions and gave me many hours of their time including Dr. Marvin Eisenstadt, Dr. Elisabeth Kbler-Ross, Dame Cicely Saunders, Dr. James Feldman, Dr. Gerald Koocher, Dr. Therese Rando, Dr. Joanne Jozefowski, Dr. Richard Tedeschi, Dr. Dennis Klass, Barbara Hozinsky, Dr. Phyllis Silverman, Dr. Ken Doka and Ted Menten.

Then there is the wonderful Makeda Wubneh, who Bill OReilly generously shared with me, to work as my research assistant. Since the topic of this book is a subject rarely discussed, finding information was often a frustrating challenge; however, she managed to unearth some real gems.

A merci beaucoup also to Molly Friedrich, my agent; Lori Lipsky, my editor at Dutton and her comrade in arms, Karen Murphy, who shepherded this project.

Aside from the professional help, there are those who personally made my life more pleasurable during this long process, because a project like this can be both life-affirming as well as emotionally draining. As a result, there are a few behind-the-scenes people who deserve credit for being my cheerleader during those times I really needed it.

To Leslie Lampert, for being my sanity sister, my soul sister, my best friend. I am so grateful for both your intelligence and heart. To Liza McGuirk, for your sage and sensible advice, which always calms me. To Mark Simone, for your generosity in letting me bounce ideas off you and for offering smart, savvy advice on every step of this project. To Roger Friedman, for providing me with an endless supply of amusing tidbits during our midnight chats when I stopped writing and welcomed a distraction. To Peter Brooke, for saving the first article I ever wrote and thinking it was terrific even though it wasnt.

I also would like to thank Fern Siegal, Jo Maeder, Ted Menten and Gerard Bray for reading my manuscript in its early stages and offering their opinions. Dr. Michael Plotnick will have my eternal gratitude for saving my life. I also want to thank Pei Lin Yu for her quiet support, her steady stream of caffeine and her necessary reminders that despite my ability to zone out over my work, my husband and kids still needed dinner on the table.

Another word of thanks goes to those people whose talent I am in awe of and whose work inspires me to aim higher than I would have if they werent around as a constant reminder of what heights can be achieved. These people include Anna Quindlen, Maureen Dowd, Paul Boller, Michael Crichton, Bonnie Raitt, Sting, Gene Roddenberry, Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman.

Last but not least, I want to thank my husband, Gary, a man who makes my reality exceed my dreams on a daily basis. I love you with all my heart.

PART ONE

The Power of Memory

God gave us our memories so that we might have roses in December...

Sir John Barrie

Introduction

For many, the thrill of pending motherhood awakens with the grainy sonogram from the doctors office, which like a paint-by-number drawing outlines the body of your child. For others, its the excitement of the first kick, that surefire sign that someone is living inside your swollen belly. But for me, it was neither of those things. The moment I experienced the thrill was right before my baby shower.

There, on the creamy blue stationery decorated with old-fashioned bassinets, was the first time I saw my babys name spelled out. Please join in the celebration of the pending arrival of Parker Leon.

Such magical words. Such emotional power lying among the stream of consonants and vowels. I remember caressing the letters so very gently and mouthing the words in a hopeful whisper. Parker Leon. Parker Leon. A name is so much more than a medley of sounds. In the same way an artist uses clay to create a sculpture, parents use a name to shape a personality.

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