Dean Del Giudice L.M.F.T. - Tactical Boundaries: How to Make All of Your Relationships Work for You

Tactical Boundaries

(How to Make All of Your
Relationships Work for You)

Dean Del Giudice,
L.M.F.T.

Copyright 2021 by Dean Del Giudice, L.M.F.T.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery Getty Images.

Rev. date: 09/22/2021

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CONTENTS

This book is dedicated t o my wife, Gay.

She stepped right out of a love song and into my life.

I have it all.

Special thanks to Mr. David Nowell for
his guidance and inspiration.

T actical Boundaries is packed with real stories from my therapy practice that range from amusing to outright bizarre. Readers will laugh and cringe as they see their own lives in some of the scenarios I present. This book provides practical tools through real-life stories, including specific communication techniques on how to establish boundaries, as well as maintain them. I work with my readers to help them understand why they dont have boundaries, to begin with, or are afraid to enforce them. After reading Tactical Boundaries , you will be prepared to have richer relationships with others, as well as yourself. You will learn to invest your energy and skills in those who are willing to reciprocate, so relationships can thrive for everyone involved.

In an environment that is clearly defined and protected by boundaries, everybody wins. It makes it safe to cultivate a deeper level of intimacy with loved ones and a more respectful, honest relationship with colleagues and friends. As you read my book, you will find that what you feared about establishing personal boundaries will fade away. It will be replaced by confidence and a new level of self-respect, along with greater respect from others.

Personal boundaries set you free. They help others understand who you really are and what you need in a relationship without mindreading. Unfortunately, most people are still confused about what boundaries are and how they work. In my psychotherapy practice. Im amazed at the number of people who believe that a personal boundary is something you do to another, instead of for yourself. There are those who think that simply stating their preferences, or needs, is somehow a confrontation that must be avoided if you want a harmonious relationship. Actually, its the other way around!

Tactical Boundaries is the book that demystifies the concept of personal boundaries; how to implement them and maintain them. It demonstrates how to make all of your relationships work for you . What happens then? You become a full participant in your relationships because others dont have to guess about what it takes to make you happy. Conversely, people will be clear about the things that hurt you or cause you to feel devalued by them. Resentment will become a thing of the past, awakening a new sense of mutual appreciation as all of your relationships begin working well for you and not just others.

I f you find yourself constantly sacrificing your own happiness and desires to please others or to keep the peace, continue reading.

You, and only you, are responsible for the quality of your life. You must carefully choose the direction in which you would like your life to go and the kind of relationships you want to engage in. Your safety and happiness in this lifetime are your responsibility. You might say thats not realistic because we cant control the various circumstances that life may present to us. And in relationships, we cant control the behavior of others. That is exactly my point. You can only control yourself, and you do it by making good decisions and executing them. What is a good decision? Its a decision that will get you the best possible results in any given situation. It is made with logic, not emotion, and it is designed with a clear goal in mind. It is tactical . This is a discipline that if adhered to will open up your life to new possibilities and put you in the drivers seat.

It is critical to understand that establishing a boundary is not something you do to another; it is something you do for yourself. I say critical because people will accuse you of trying to control them when you begin to establish boundaries. In reality, your boundaries define who you are to yourself and to the world. Remember those words; youll need to use them on your mission.

Do you know the one freedom that can never be taken away from you? It is the freedom to choose how you will respond to any given situation. Good boundaries will change the reactions that do not serve you into responses that do

Life is your terrain to navigate as long as you are the one behind the wheel. You must establish and defend your sovereignty. Why? Its because no one else is going to do it. If you dont, you lose your sovereignty, followed by your happiness, and finally, your self-respect, hence the name Tactical Boundaries. The word tactical comes from the Greek taktike techne , meaning the art or arrangement. When something is tactical, it is artfully arranged or planned. When someone does something with a goal that is beyond the immediate result of their action, that can be seen as a tactical move.

The techniques I am going to share with you will enable you to establish and maintain goals in your relationships and other endeavors indefinitely, provided you stick to your commitment. That means that you do not abandon yourself, your needs, your wants, and your goals for the approval of others. And when I say how to make all of your relationships work for you, do not construe that to mean self-serving, dominating, controlling, or lacking in consideration for the feelings of others.

Please note that although the scenarios in this book are real, I have taken ample precautions to protect confidentiality. All names are fictitious, stories have been modified, jobs, and often gender, have been switched.

T he learning curve is steep for those who havent been able to successfully implement boundaries in their lives. Consequences for our actions, or cause and effect, are natures method of teaching. All creatures have to learn what actions will cause them to thrive as a species and which ones lead to their demise. The same is true for us on an emotional level. Survival is the most powerful drive for biological creatures. For the purposes of this discussion, we are referring to the survival of our sense of self and our psychological well-being.

Clients tell me that theyve put up with some type of egregious behavior from their spouse, family members, friends, or boss for years, and its robbing them of their joy, making their life more and more miserable. I tell them they have only two choices.

The first is to establish a firm and consistent boundary regarding the behavior changes you need from them.

The second is to let them know that if the changes are not implemented immediately and remain consistent; you will have to take action to protect yourself. This may mean you will no longer be able to participate in a relationship with that person. This is called enforcing your boundary . This is the most difficult part for the vast majority of the people I work with. Remember that without consistent enforcement, a boundary will be worthless. Additionally, it will just make you look like a nagger or a chronic complainer.