June Hunt - Boundaries: How to Set Them--How to Keep Them

Boundaries: How to Set ThemHow to Keep Them
Copyright 2018 Hope For The Heart
Aspire Press is an imprint of Rose Publishing, LLC.
P. O. Box 3473
Peabody, Massachusetts 01961-3473
www.hendricksonrose.com

All rights reserved. No part of this work may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.

Scripture quotations marked NKJV are taken from the New King James Version. Copyright 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission.
All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked (NLT) are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright, 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked ESV are taken from The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. Copyright 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a division of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked NRSV are taken from the New Revised Standard Version Bible, copyright 1989 the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture quotations marked NCV are taken from The Holy Bible, New Century Version. Copyright 2005 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

The views and opinions expressed in this book are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily express the views of Aspire Press, nor is this book intended to be a substitute for mental health treatment or professional counseling.

The information in this resource is intended as guidelines for healthy living. Please consult qualified medical, legal, pastoral, and psychological professionals regarding individual concerns.

For more information on Hope For The Heart, visit www.hopefortheheart.org or call 1-800-488-HOPE (4673).

Dear Friend,

Boundaries specifically how to establish
and maintain healthy boundaries has been difficult for me. For some of us, relationship boundaries will be especially difficult if we grew up in a family where boundaries didnt exist or where they were skewed by dysfunctional behavior. I know this firsthand.

Let me tell you about Deb who had a heart to help our ministry... and me. Smart, competent, artistic, Deb was invaluable as a can do worker.

Despite wonderful qualities, however, Deb could be controlling. Given my propensity to be a peace-at-any-price person, I often allowed her to control me . (Notice my words: I allowed her! )

Sometimes Deb would speak harshly to meeven in front of others. Or, if Deb didnt agree with my wording in a magazine, she would insist that her changes be made (although I was head of
the ministry).

Sometimes she made untrue accusations. No matter my explanation, she refused to accept the truth. I felt stymied and stuck. I hate to admit this, but sometimes I even confessed I was wrong when I knew I wasntjust to get past the impasse. (Now, thats really wrong!)

Deb became increasingly disrespectful. Several people revealed negative comments shed made about me. Some asked, June, why do you let her talk to you this way? Why dont you stand up for yourself? You shouldnt let her control you. (They were right.)

How well I remember establishing my first boundary with Deb. I laid the groundwork with these words (her responses in parentheses):

Do you want us to have the best relationship possible? ( Yes .)

Do you believe were truly encouraging each other? ( No .)

In friendship, both should be better because of each other, like iron sharpening iron . Do you agree? ( Yes, I do .)

Do you think we are both better? ( No .)

Deb, I value our friendship, but when you explode in anger, it hurts both of us. ( I agree. )

So, in the future, if either of us expresses anger inappropriately, we need to step back and part ways for a while so that we dont damage our
relationship further.

Deb said she understood, but the boundary hadnt been tested. However, that time came within a week.

While driving from my office to Debs home, I began listening to my voicemailthen all of a sudden I heard her attacking, caustic voice, Where are you? Where have you been? Why arent you here? She sounded out of control.

Four minutes later when I arrived at her house, Deb was calm and asked, Are you ready to go?

I hesitated. Well, actually no . Remember our previous agreement about what would happen when one of us exploded in anger? We agreed to part ways for a time.

You cant leave! She exploded in an angry tirade that continued for several minutes.

Holding up my hand (palm toward her), I firmly said, Stop! To my astonishment, she didshe stopped!

Speaking in a slow, low voice I said, Obviously now is not a good time for us to be together. Again, deliberately speaking slow and low, I said, Im going to leave.

Shocked, Deb said, Youre already here! You cant leave.

I repeated our agreement: If either of us expresses excessive anger, we agreed to not be together temporarily. So I need to leave. Later on, we can
try again.

I drove away amid great protest. Deb kept calling my cell phone and home phone. (I didnt answer.) Candidly, I was amazed that Id set a boundary and kept it!

Why this temporary separation? Because Proverbs 22:24 wisely advises: Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with one
easily angered.

Two days later, she tearfully apologized, and for two weeks, no explosions occurred. However, the next time Deb vented, I left againand perhaps eight more times over a twelve-month periodwith much less intensity each time. Eventually, the outbursts ceased.

As I look back, Deb had respected me less and less. I would say, You dont treat anyone else this waywhy me? She always answered, I dont know.

The truth is, I allowed myself to be her verbal punching bag. But finally when I enforced the boundary, the verbal venom decreased and her respect for me increased . (I hadnt expected that.)

In reality, a relationship either grows or goes. It grows mutually rewarding or it just goes astray, or maybe even goes away .

You cant make another person change. People have the choice to change, to be respectfulor not. Our responsibility is to enforce proper boundaries, which could challenge people to change. Just watch and see!

Hold on to hope,

June Hunt

P. S. Gods Word exhorts us to show proper respect to everyone (1 Peter 2:17). Respect is at the heart of healthy boundaries. Youll be amazed at how many people will changewhen you do your part.

BOUNDARIES

How to Set Them
How to Keep Them

Are you feeling stretched beyond your limits? Are you overcommitted, burning the candle at both ends? Are you trying to be everything to everyone? If so, you need boundaries!

Do people often take advantage of you? Do you say yes to everyone and no to no one? Do you think everyones need is yours to meet? If so, you