Jennie Miller - Boundaries, Step Four: Your Family and other Animals

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First published in Great Britain by HQ in 2018

Copyright Jennie Miller and Victoria Lambert 2018

Jennie Miller and Victoria Lambert asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.

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This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the authors imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.

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Ebook Edition January 2019 ISBN: 9780008324711
Version: 2018-10-18

Possibly the most challenging section, in this step you will learn how to use boundaries in connection with those who shaped you first: your parents or other caregivers in particular, before gathering the skills you need to bring up your own children and interact with your wider family.

Do you often feel you cant say no? Do you feel spread too thinly between work, emotional relationships and family, and your responsibilities and chores? Perhaps you feel overloaded with to-do lists, promises to friends, financial obligations, or that intangible pressure to succeed in everything you do all at the same time. You may feel frustrated that there is never any time to do those things that really matter to you whether it is to write a book, spend unpressured time with your loved ones, or just be alone guilt-free. With demands coming from all sides, it is surprisingly easy these days to get buffeted along without ever really feeling in control.

Yet, there is an alternative to living in this twenty-first-century chaos a way of reframing your own attitude and behaviour so that you can take charge of your life and not allow others undue influence or control. A process which will enable you to improve your quality of life (at work, home and play); to build self-respect; and to lead to a healthier way of being on all levels.

The solution to all this is: boundaries. A complete concept that will allow you to reach past any obstacle and make real change happen in every area of your life.

What are boundaries? In short, these are the decisions we make which govern our own behaviour and the way we interact with others. A sort of personal code which may change with time and circumstance. Well explain the concept of boundaries in more depth in the next section but for now hold in mind that a boundary is where you choose to draw a line in the sand in any scenario.

Why do they matter? Because we cant just follow patterns of behaviour that worked for previous generations as life on this planet has changed beyond recognition in the past thirty years. We are now a 24/7 culture, invisibly connected from our homes to the entire world.

We live in the fast lane, yet few of us have developed strategies to cope with the new problems that have arisen as a result. These issues include burgeoning social media, high-speed and high-turnover lovers, growing workloads in the face of new technology, constantly conflicting opinions on diet and health, and a culture of perfectionism in parenting and relationships. There are familiar problems too which many of us still struggle with: the impact of divorce, personality clashes, the stresses of being caught in the generation gap and career dilemmas.

But there is no doubt that the arrival of the Internet, consumer society, medical advances that are giving us decades of extra life and career expectations have changed life as older generations knew it beyond belief. The way we humans interact with each other has also undergone fundamental shifts, and we believe the way to regain our own equilibrium is to re-examine our lives and behaviour and use fresh boundaries in response to these new dilemmas.

With that in mind, we have devised a Four-Step Programme to teach the use of boundaries in everyday life, beginning with ourselves, and then exploring how the system works in situations related to every aspect of our lives: ourselves, our work life, our relationships and our family. We advise you to follow the Programme in the order set out in the book, although some may find particular sections are more resonant or urgent in their circumstances. Everyone, though, will benefit by starting with a closer look at themselves and what we call our self-boundaries.

What do we mean by that? Self-boundaries are the demarcations which define our behaviour, thoughts and feelings. They are that inner voice which says to us: Go this far but no further. When used correctly, they help us modify our behaviour or relationships so that we feel or consider ourselves safe. And we need to get into the habit of caring for our selves before we can build the healthy relationships with others that will see us thrive.

Each section of the book will contain exercises and sections called Bring in the Boundaries which contain practical tips on identifying and using boundaries, and offer anonymised case histories from Jennies clinical practice to exemplify what you need to know. These examples help us to understand how boundaries work in specific circumstances, from dating to divorce, interacting with elderly parents to raising teenagers and managing a team to working for a fractious boss. (The situations chosen have been picked deliberately because in Jennies experience theyre the ones most people need help addressing and have the highest impact on lives.) Look out, too, for Draw the Line moments thoughts and phrases which will support and inspire you as you progress through the book.

There is no timescale for this book because we all work at our own pace, so dont feel you have to achieve this new state of being overnight. The first step towards a healthy you may well be in accepting that you cant change your life instantly. But as you read this you are already starting on that journey.

What are Boundaries?

Like many psychotherapists and proponents of healthy living, Jennie believes that learning to establish good boundaries is crucial to forming and keeping healthy relationships, with yourself and others. And you may well have heard the term boundaries used out loud already even if you dont really know what it means phrases like I need to establish good boundaries for my child around bedtime or someone telling you that your worklife balance needs some boundaries.

But the need to understand and utilise boundaries has never been more acute, and existing advice doesnt cover many of the situations we now accept and deal with every day.

For example, our fast-paced lives require us to make more decisions than in the past, often quickly yet with potentially serious consequences. The challenges to our boundaries are more complex and demanding, and we all need new strategies on how to live life as healthily as possible.

The effect of technology on our boundaries is particularly important when it comes to conversations and relationships. These used to be straightforward but now are more difficult because of the lack of face-to-face contact. Situations can easily be misread, moods can be misinterpreted and remarks can be misconstrued when you remove the physical presence of human contact.