Dorcas Cheng-Tozun - Start, Love, Repeat: How to Stay in Love with Your Entrepreneur in a Crazy Start-Up World

by Meg Cadoux Hirshberg, former Inc. magazine columnist, and Gary Hirshberg, chairman and former CEO, Stonyfield Yogurt

Spouses of entrepreneurs, rejoice: Dorcas Cheng-Tozun has thrown you a life raft. Cleverly organized according to the typical stages of a start-up (market research, strategic planning, etc.), Start, Love, Repeat looks carefully and closely at the intimate relationship dynamics that occur when a business enters the family.

As a writer and the spouse of an entrepreneur, Dorcas is eminently qualified to give voice to the spouses perspective on the concerns, struggles, andyesjoys that typically occur in an entrepreneurial marriage, and she does so in clear and impassioned prose. My own entrepreneur husband and I often liken the spouses journey to riding shotgun down a curvy stretch of road. Usually the driverthe one in controlis just fine. Its the passenger who feels sick.

When people start companies, they research the competition, market data, Small Business Administration loans, and the cost of office space. But they generally give little thought to how a business will affect their personal lives. The spouse may fret and worry a bit more about the insecurity of the venture for family, but generally both entrepreneur and spouse assume that theyll muddle through for the year or two it takes the company to gain traction. When things dont go as expected, and they rarely do, the cracks that exist in any marriage can grow into fissures, as the spouses resentment blooms into full flower, and the entrepreneur comes to feel unfairly condemned and misunderstood.

A close reading of Start, Love, Repeat will go a long way toward dissolving those resentments before they start to build. Dorcas writes intimately and with great nuance about her own experience of being in an entrepreneurial marriage, and also includes illustrative stories of many other entrepreneur-spouse couples. Throughout the book, she cites fascinating research concerning entrepreneurship, as well as insights from therapists and executive coaches.

A common romantic image of the entrepreneur is of an exceptionally daring person who sallies forthalonewith persistence and determination to realize a dream. While there is some truth to this vision, the unspoken reality is that an entrepreneurial venture sucks the entire family into its vortex. Dorcas details that reality, and acknowledges its potential danger to the couples relationship. To better arm those who are along for this ride, she offers useful, practical, specific suggestions of actions the couple can take.

While Dorcas is sober about the challenges, she is equally clear about the tremendous potential upsides for a spouse in an entrepreneurial marriage. Much of it, she argues, is a question of perspective. She urges the spouse to consider: What is the opportunity in this?

As I opened page one of Dorcass book, I wasnt sure I had much more to learn about the tribulations of marriage to an entrepreneur. First, Ive been married to one of the tribe for more than thirty years. And as a former columnist for Inc. magazine, I had covered similar turf in my Balancing Acts columns for the magazine, as well as in my book For Better or For Work: A Survival Guide for Entrepreneurs and Their Families. Tearing through Dorcass lively manuscript, I found her insights to be powerful, useful, and true.

Dorcas quotes author Bren Brown, who wrote that Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. This is a perfect summary of Start, Love, Repeat. Dorcass courage in making herself exquisitely vulnerable by speaking frankly about her own experience is quite clearly in service to her desire to help others who find themselves hitched to an entrepreneurs dream. The reason is simple. While the inevitable trials of an entrepreneurial marriage could have driven Dorcas apart from her husband, Ned, working through them has actually brought them much closer. I dont want us to be lucky, she adds. I want us to be typical.

Meg Cadoux Hirshberg

Ever since Megs book was published, Ive advised every entrepreneur I know to read it with their spouse. It was the book I wish Meg and I had had when we got started on our crazy entrepreneurial ride growing our company, Stonyfield Yogurt.

Now I will have to add Dorcass important book to my list of recommended reading. While she aims her thoughts and research directly to the spouses of entrepreneurs, this book is a must-read for entrepreneurs as well. Dorcass insights into the entrepreneurial life and what is required of both spouses and entrepreneurs to survive and thrive on this journey should not be limited to spouses alone.

The essential quandary for entrepreneurial couples can be summarized this way: For a business to survive, the entrepreneur has to be all in, or the business doesnt stand a chance. The intense focus required by this passion project, aka the business, can be in conflict with the entrepreneurs passion for their intimates. Stimulated by the endless series of challenges, what feels to us entrepreneurs like a long series of sprints is often a lonely marathon for our mates.