Matt Calman - The longest day : standing up to depression and tackling the Coast to Coast

First published in 2020

Text Matt Calman, 2020

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

Allen & Unwin

Level 2, 10 College Hill, Freemans Bay

Auckland 1011, New Zealand

Phone: (64 9) 377 3800

Email:

Web: www.allenandunwin.co.nz

83 Alexander Street

Crows Nest NSW 2065, Australia

Phone: (61 2) 8425 0100

A catalogue record for this book is available from the National Library of New Zealand.

ISBN 978 1 98854 730 5

eISBN 978 1 76087 345 5

Cover design by Kate Barraclough

Cover photograph by Lottie Hedley

Text design by Megan van Staden

For Ranui, Kahutaiki & Awatea.

Ka nui taku aroha m koutou / My love for you is great.

CONTENTS

This book deals with depression and mental health. If you are worried about your or someone elses mental health, the best place to get help is your GP or local mental health provider.

IF YOU NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE:

0800 543 354 (0800 LIFELINE) or free text 4357 (HELP) (available 24/7)

https://www.lifeline.org.nz/services/suicide-crisis-helpline

YOUTHLINE: 0800 376 633 or free text 234

NEED TO TALK? Free call or text 1737 (available 24/7)

KIDSLINE: 0800 543 754 (available 24/7)

WHATSUP: 0800 942 8787 (12pm to 11pm)

DEPRESSION HELPLINE: 0800 111 757 or text 4202 (available 24/7)

The first time I met Matt was pretty memorable. It was one of those slow-motion, Oh, noooooo! moments: hed lost his balance, and with gymnastic grace, he slowly but surely slid and spiralled down the splintery wooden post of a jetty, splashing into the wintery waters of the estuary a few metres below.

I was coaching him and a group of other beginners in a Coast to Coast training session one chilly late autumn morning, simulating the skills theyd need for the iconic mountain race. I had set a challenge, a leap of commitment across the posts, with a fall of a few metres into the water if they misjudged it. In my 20 years of coaching, no-one had ever fallen in. So, either this newbie had a motor-coordination balance problem, or he was extraordinarily ballsy, inspirational and totally committed to learning. Youll figure out which is the case when you read this book.

At first it was horrifying watching helplessly, but once we knew Matt was OK, we all laughed as we debated whether he most resembled a cat clawing desperately at his scratching post or Spiderman with failing sticky super-powers.

But what stuck in my mind most vividly was what I could see in Matts eyes as he teetered on the top of the post. I believe that your eyes are the window to your soul. And what I could see in Matt was overwhelming courage and hope. Matts got gumption. He has the whole gamut going on all at once, yin along with yang, light and dark: he hides nothing.

And thats how he writes.

None of my other students have fallen off those jetty posts into the water because they all have a conservative risk threshold set for self-preservation.

But not Matt! He dares to go where few others do. He lives his life with an unusual transparent honesty and courageous curiosity. And thats exactly how hes shared his innermost feelings and stories in this book. He allows us to connect to his story and, in the process, become more aware of our own humanity. Matts authenticity and courage gives us permission to exhibit our own authenticity and courage.

After that dunking in the cold dawn, I had expected the sodden, shivering Matt to leave the training session and head home to a hot shower.

But to my surprise, he was back in a flash, a windbreaker over his wet clothes and white bandages on his hands, hanging off my every word. It was a coachs dream. Even if he was a bit of a slow learner! Thirty minutes later he fell out of his kayak doing an elementary turn out into the current. (He didnt fart at the fast water youll learn more about kayak technique in the book.)

Stephen Covey, famous author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, says that which is most personal is most universal and this is absolutely the case with Matts story. He has risked baring his soul, showing his humanness, his flaws, his frailty and also his triumphs and proud moments. And it is through this empathy that we can all find the courage and strength to grow.

Matt shares openly and honestly about his struggles with mental health challenges. I also shared my battles with suicidal depression in my first book, Lucky Legs, but I am pleased to see that Matt has authentically gone deeper with his feelings and insights. This will be very valuable to others.

They say that you cant please everyone, but Matt has come close with his skilfully woven stories. With his journalistic skills and obvious ability to entertain, Matts story will appeal to various different types of reader and it contains valuable insights for each of them:

First-time athletes contemplating the Coast to Coast race will vicariously experience the roller-coaster ride through the months of training, culminating in the big race. Matt delights us with tidbits of useful information.

Those challenged by depression and anxiety will find a gentle reassuring friend in Matt. His courageous and blunt honesty about his mental health struggles will empower the reader to better understand the continuum between bliss and suicidal sadness that every one of us lives on.

Perhaps most empowering of all is that Matts story will inspire us all to be a better father, husband, partner and human being, and to be more resilient when things get tough.

Steve Gurney

November, 2019

It seems like just yesterday that I biked out to New Brighton in Christchurch, my home town, to wait for my friends Cam and Chris to cross the finish line of the Coast to Coast. It was 10 February 2018, a day that marked a crossroads in the direction of my life. I found a position about halfway down the 50-metre-long finishing chute as the imminent arrival of one-day-race leader Sam Clark was announced. A few minutes later, Clark sprinted past in a powerful burst that sent sand spitting up from beneath his feet. He grabbed the finishing tape, held it aloft with arms extended above his head, turned to the crowd and let rip with a loud Hell, yeah!

I stood there and watched each of them conquer their own mental and physical tests, raw pain and pure joy etched on their sun-baked faces, achieving a feat so enormous that I had always struggled to fathom ever doing it myself.

It was an electric moment of raw emotion. He had traversed the countrys South Island243 kilometres of mountain running, kayaking and cyclingin just 11 hours 14 minutes and 33 seconds, overtaking many of the two-day competitors who had completed the first 88 kilometres the day before.

I couldnt believe how much energy he had. Post-race he would explain he was hyped up on the 1.2 kilograms of sugar he had consumed to fuel himself, and I later read that his plan had been to out-eat the competition. It had obviously worked.

One by one, the rest of the competitors picked their way up the sandy rise to the finish line, and were greeted by nine-time Coast to Coast winner Steve Gurney. I stood there and watched each of them conquer their own mental and physical tests, raw pain and pure joy etched on their sun-baked faces, achieving a feat so enormous that I had always struggled to fathom ever doing it myself. Back when Cam and Chris had discussed signing up for the race, they had actually asked me if I wanted to do it too. My mental health hadnt been the best at the time, but Id thought they were the ones who were out of their minds. Its never been on my bucket list, sorry lads, was the excuse I trotted out. But, despite my feigned lack of interest, I had been a little torn. I could feel the gauntlet had been laid down, and Id been tempted to take up the challenge. But the timing just hadnt been right. I was scared.