Julie Vick - Babies Dont Make Small Talk (So Why Should I?): The Introverts Guide to Surviving Parenthood

BABIES
DONT MAKE
SMALL TALK
(SO WHY
SHOULD I?)

The Introverts Guide to Surviving Parenthood

JULIE VICK

This book is intended as a largely humorous perspective on pregnancy, childbirth, and child-rearing. While it does address some topics seriously, this book is not a substitute for professional advice on any of them. Use your common sense and be sure to consult your healthcare provider with any questions you have about any of the subjects discussed here.

Copyright 2021 by Julie Vick

30 Totally Ridiculous Reasons Your Baby Isnt Sleeping first appeared in Parents magazine.

Childrens Birthday Party Survival Prep List is adapted from an article that first appeared in Razed as A Kids Birthday Party Screening Questionnaire for Introverts.

All rights reserved

For information about permission to reproduce selections from this book, write to Permissions, The Countryman Press, 500 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10110

For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact W. W. Norton Special Sales at specialsales@wwnorton.com or 800-233-4830

COVER DESIGN: ALLISON CHI

COVER ILLUSTRATIONS: ANATOLIR / SHUTTERSTOCK

AUTHOR PHOTOGRAPH BY HAPPY HOUR

HEADSHOT PHOTOGRAPHY

Book design by Chris Welch Design

Production manager: Devon Zahn

The Library of Congress has cataloged the printed edition as follows:

Names: Vick, Julie, author.

Title: Babies dont make small talk (so why should I?) : the introverts guide to surviving parenthood / Julie Vick.

Description: New York, NY : The Countryman Press, a division of W.W. Norton & Company, Inc., [2021] | Includes index.

Identifiers: LCCN 2021014294 | ISBN 9781682686553 (hardcover) | ISBN 9781682686560 (epub)

Subjects: LCSH: ParentingHumor. | Child rearingHumor. | IntrovertsHumor. | IntroversionHumor.

Classification: LCC HQ769 V523 2021 | DDC 649/.1220207dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021014294

The Countryman Press

www.countrymanpress.com

A division of W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.

500 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10110

www.wwnorton.com

FOR DAVE, GRAHAM, AND BECK.

CONTENTS

PART ONE
YOUR LAST TASTES OF FREEDOM

PART TWO
SURVIVING THE FIRST YEAR

PART THREE
WELCOME TO TODDLERVILLE

I have always been an overthinker, so when it came time to consider parenting, I was overwhelmed by all the choicesfirst with the question of whether or not to have a kid, then with the decision of when to start trying for one. Pregnancy brought on a new round of decisionscould I eat some sushi if it was cooked? Which people should I tell the news to and when? Should I risk running baby names by anyone or guard them like the contents of a teenagers diary? The social aspect of parenting was also a big adjustment for me. On the one hand, having a baby makes for a pretty good excuse to turn down an invitation to an awkward dinner party. On the other hand, parenting thrusts you into an array of playdates, park interactions, and birthday parties, which can be overwhelming when social interactions leave you feeling drained.

Ive also always needed alone time to recharge, and becoming a parent meant I was suddenly with another tiny person during most of my waking and some of my sleeping hours. While said tiny person wont force you to engage in banal small talk about the weather, they are almost always within chatting distance. A baby can make it difficult for you to do something as simple as go to the grocery store alone.

People like me often identify as introverts, although the exact definition of introversion can vary. In broad terms, introverts draw energy from alone time and an inner world, whereas extroverts draw energy from social situations and the external world. People who are somewhere in the middle are ambiverts. I teach at the college level (something that has taken me a while to get more comfortable with), and while I enjoy teaching and interacting with students, after a class I often feel drained and in need of time to recharge. I once chatted with an acquaintance at a small party about teaching (this was before I had kids, when I had a lot fewer excuses for avoiding parties). Dont you just walk out of the room completely energized after a class? he asked. Thats the difference between an extrovert and an introvert. At the party, I just stumbled through some awkward response to the guy and then probably made an excuse to head home, since I could check off accomplished some socializing on my mental to-do list.

IM NOT HERE TO MAKE SMALL TALK: CHARACTERISTICS OF INTROVERTS

Since the world often feels built for people who arent exhausted by the thought of attending a networking mixer, discovering you are an introvert can be a relief. You dont feel weird for avoiding team projects or for feeling relieved when some plans are canceledyou have a legitimate personality type! Susan Cains excellent book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Cant Stop Talking discusses introversion in great detail. The book identifies some common characteristics of introverts, including that they often:

• Prefer less external stimulation (are more comfortable in quieter spaces or socializing in smaller groups)
• Enjoy solitude
• Dislike conflict
• Prefer listening to talking, and tend to think before they speak
• Prefer deep discussions to small talk

Introverts are good listeners, make good friends, and enjoy discussing subjects that interest them. But living an involved inner life can lead to a lot of overthinking and second-guessing. And since raising children is not exactly a quiet and conflict-free existence, becoming a parent can pose just a few small hurdles to introverts.

REASONS BESIDES INTROVERSION WHY YOU MAY AVOID SMALL TALK

Introversion is different from shyness (feeling awkward or worried during social situations) Some people (like me) are both shy and introvertedhaving to attend a birth class full of people I didnt know made me both anxious (Who will be there? Will I be called on to answer questions? Will I have to role-play something?) and drained of energy afterward. Shy extroverts may feel worried they will say something awkward during the class but may be energized by the social interaction when its over. Outgoing extroverts are the ones volunteering to act out a birthing position in front of the class and trying to get all their newfound friends to meet up for dinner when its over. Im guessing that last one does not describe you, but if it does, welcome, and thank you for being willing to draw attention away from the rest of us at times.

There are some people who have personality traits that can have some overlap with introversion, like highly sensitive people or empaths. If you are unsure whether you are any or all of these, there are several internet rabbit holes of explanations and Buzzfeed quizzes just waiting for you to search them out.

PANDEMIC PARENTING

The COVID-19 pandemic coincided with me writing this book. Hopefully you are reading this from some point in a utopian future in which the pandemic has ended and everything has been overhauled so that the world has a cornucopia of emergency childcare options and magical trees that grow packages of toilet paper. But I realize there is a slight chance that may not be the case.