Barbara Cofer Stoefen - A Very Fine House: A Mothers Story of Love, Faith, and Crystal Meth

Praise for
A Very Fine House

Barbara Stoefen is a member of the club that none of us ever hoped to belong to, and Im glad she turned her lessons into helping tools for the rest of us. As the mother of a recovering addict myself, I found myself relating strongly to Barbaras journey. And she also offered clear information on addiction that gave me new insights, as well as hope for the future. A mothers prayers do make a difference.

TERRI BLACKSTOCK, author of Intervention, Vicious Cycle, and Downfall

Having read many memoirs about addiction, this is the possibly one of the finest. Ms. Stoefen beautifully writes her story of facing the stinging truth of a childs addiction and, eventually, the sublime struggle to build a life in recovery. If I could, Id put this book into the hands of every parent in need of hope.

DEBRA JAY, author of It Takes a Family: A Cooperative Approach to Lasting Sobriety

Wow. A Very Fine House is a very fine book indeed and long overdue in our marketplace. Barbara Stoefens heart-wrenching story about dealing with her daughters addiction will keep readers turning pages. Her hard-won wisdom will help parents of addicts feel less alone and, more importantly, respond to their childs addiction in ways that will save lives. Every person who loves an addict or parents teens should read this book.

HEATHER KOPP, author of Sober Mercies: How Love Caught Up with a Christian Drunk

A Very Fine House truly captures the portrait of addiction. Barbara Stoefen describes clearly and movingly the arc of the disease how an otherwise affable, capable, lovable young person can become irrational and unrecognizable. I found it remarkable how closely her words fit what is known about the neuroscience of addiction.

But what makes A Very Fine House so enjoyable and so important is that Barbara doesnt just describe how the brain shuts down and the dreadful behaviors that result; she describes something far more wondrous: how the brain comes back on, and how heartbreak and anger can turn into healing and joy. Hers is a voice that parents will not only recognize but need to hear so they, too, can begin the journey from common tragedy to shared triumph.

KEVIN MCCAULEY, MD, founder of Institute for Addiction Study

Barbara Stoefens A Very Fine House is truly a gift: the story of a mothers fierce love, a daughters descent into the darkness of addiction, and a life-changing journey of recovery. Barbs book is a compelling read written courageously and candidly, engaging the reader in every chapter with her unique and vulnerable style. Im already recommending it to people I know.

CHERI FULLER, speaker and author of Mother-Daughter Duet and When Mothers Pray

ZONDERVAN

A Very Fine House
Copyright 2014 by Barbara Cofer Stoefen

ePub Edition August 2014: ISBN 978-0-310-34442-1

Requests for information should be addressed to:

Zondervan, 3900 Sparks Dr. SE, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49546

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Stoefen, Barbara Cofer, 1953

A very fine house : a mothers story of love, faith, and crystal meth / Barbara Cofer Stoefen.

pages cm

ISBN 978-0-310-34441-4 (hardcover)

1. Stoefen, Barbara Cofer, 1953 2. Parents of drug addicts United States Biography. 3. Drug addicts Rehabilitation United States. 4. Mothers and daughters United States. 5. Christian life United States. I. Title.

HV5805.S76A3 2014

362.29'953092 dc23

[B]

2014010095

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Published in association with the literary agency of WordServe Literary Group, Ltd., (www.wordserveliterary.com).

Cover design: Faceout Studio

Cover photography: Shutterstock

Interior photography: Shutterstock

Interior design: Beth Shagene

First Printing July 2014

To Annie,
who has taught me more about love and life than I ever wanted to learn, and to Jeff, who gave me great hope for the future

Contents

If youve picked up this book, its likely because you love an addict. Youre undoubtedly suffering I know because Ive been there. Ive felt your despair, your feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, the grief we all fear.

Several excellent books have been written by parents who have chronicled their journey through a childs addiction, and I recommend them all. By adding my story to the others, I hope to share not just what happened but also what I learned and what helped me to cope and to see my way to safety.

Many friends have referred their friends and relatives to me, people who seek some nugget of wisdom for their own journey. I hope that by writing my story, I can be a validating voice to your experience, possibly even giving you permission to think and say things you may not yet have dared to acknowledge.

I also want to offer you hope that recovery is indeed possible, not only for your loved one, but for yourself as well. Addiction in the family will change you. You can allow the change to consume and damage you, or you can embrace the lessons that life now presents. Perhaps you will not just survive but actually flourish and hopefully forgive.

I am sharing our story with my daughters permission and blessing. Everything Ive written is true, including the dialogue, which is accurate to the best of my recollection. For the ease of storytelling, a few scenes are composites of more than one event. The names and details of many of the individuals depicted have been changed to protect anonymity, but some are real and have been included with permission.

Ive heard it said that in every problem there is a gift. The many gifts I received along the way have helped carry and sustain me. I now share these gifts with you.

I couldnt shake the sense of foreboding I felt upon waking that Easter Sunday morning. As on most April days in our mountain community, I could see my breath in the early morning air as I stood at the back door and called Delores, our yapping pointer-heeler, back into the house. Shed surprised three mule deer that had camped under a large ponderosa for the night, and the resulting ruckus pierced the calm of the new day.

From the door I scanned the yards open landscape and marveled at the patches of snow that still clung to the northern fringes of our treed property. There was no hint of spring. I savored the traces of wood smoke that wafted through the high branches and realized our neighbors were rising as well. While this same scene had stirred my love for Oregon and its peaceful vistas countless times before, the still-barren bitterbrush and lifeless sage mirrored my sunken mood.