Welch - Save Me from Myself

HOW I FOUND GOD, QUIT KORN KICKED DRUGS, AND LIVED TO TELL MY STORY

FORMER LEAD GUITARIST OF KORN

T o my two best friends:
the H oly Spirit and my daughter Jennea.

Im forever grateful to both of you
for saving me from an early grave.

They overcame him
by the blood of the Lamb
and by the word of their testimony

REVELATION 12:11

My life. What a trip its been so far. Like most people, Ive had enough ups and downs in my life to drive a man crazy. Like most people, my heart has been beaten up pretty badly throughout the years by myself and by others. Like most people, many of the things that Ive chased after in my life have left me feeling empty and unsatisfied.

Unlike most people, I had a childhood dream to become a rock star that came true. I was able to do what I wanted to do, go where I wanted to go, and buy what I wanted to buy. Unlike most people, I gave all this upmy music, my band, my career, everythingwhen I had an encounter with God. After that, all I wanted to do was focus on my future, sweeping everything from my past under the rug and moving on with my new life. Or, at least, that was my plan until a friend suggested that I write a book about my life.

At first, I didnt know how I felt about that. I didnt know if I wanted to dig up all the painful memories from my past, because they were just that: the past. As a new follower of Christ, I had been undertaking the process of crucifying my past and starting a new chapter in my life. I mean, why would I want to relive the past if Im trying to forget it?

Well, I prayed about it, and after a lot of thought, I came to the conclusion that exposing all the darkness from my past would be part of my healing process. I also came to see that discussing some of the stupid things Ive done might save a lot of people from going down the same roads of destruction that I traveled on.

It was with this goal of helping others that I decided to write my story, to share some of my inner demons with others, so that perhaps you or someone you know can avoid the trouble that I came to know all too well. Thats my hearts intention, anyway. Dont get me wrongmy past wasnt all bad. I had some good times, but most of those always seemed to lead me into trouble.

Another reason I really wanted to write this book is to help explain to my family, friends, and fans how I came to this major decision to drop everything and follow Christ. You see, I was a master at hiding my pain and anguish from absolutely everyone. I was always the one who made everyone laugheveryone except myself that is. I would always act like a goofball, appearing to be a normal, happy guy when I was around people. But it was all a front to cover up the internal prison that my heart was in. Behind closed doors, I was a very depressed, lost soul. As you read this book, please remember that while my outer life looked happy to the rest of the world, there were a lot of things happening inside me that no one knew about. This is the story of that inner life.

Its important to understand that Im not trying to glamorize any of my partying past in this bookhonestly, Im just trying to be obedient to God. I really feel like God wanted me to tell my story how it happened. So thats what I did. In this book, youre going to read about a lot of darkness that went on in my life before and during the Korn years. And if it offends you, wellsome of it is offensive. But its also the truth.

Youre also going to read about how God has taken every bad thing I went through and turned it around for good. Thats just what he does. Ive been completely clean and sober for over two and a half years; my life has never been happier.

And if he did it for me, hell do it for anybody.

Anyway, I hope this book touches your heart in some way.

Thanks for checking it out.

HEAD

I was at home when I heard her voice.

It was the voice of my daughter, Jennea, who was skipping around the living room and singing. There was something familiar about it that I couldnt quite place. I was too wrapped up in the sight of her jumping around the house, singing in her cute, innocent, five-year-old voice, and looking like a modern-day Shirley Temple, with her hair dangling down in curly, light-brown ringlets.

A few days earlier, we had returned from my summer 2004 tour with Korn. Jennea had not been with me for the whole summer, but she had come out with us for a couple of weeks toward the end of the tour. Jennea was (and is) the love of my life. She was always so happy, and her happiness was very contagious. Even so, having her on the road with me was always pretty difficultnot because I didnt want her there, but because being on tour with one of the worlds craziest rock bands was no place for a five-year-old girl. Still, she was amazing to have around. Everyone on the tour absolutely adored Jennea, and they would all try to behave around her. Our bass player, Fieldy, made up a rule that anyone who cussed in front of Jennea had to give her a buck. It was an attempt to train us to watch our mouths around her. Everyone really tried, but a few hours after we made the rule, she had already made about fifty bucks, so I called the deal off.

I wish I could say that cussing was the worst of it, but unfortunately it was just the tip of the iceberg. I wanted Jennea to watch me play guitar every night, and so I gave her these special headphones that people use at shooting ranges to drown out all the noise. During our set, I would always try and make eye contact with her. Some of the time she would notice me looking at her and she would wave and give me a huge smile. Other times I would try to get her attention, but she would be staring into the madness going on in the crowd. In general, it was just some crazy dudes screaming the lyrics in the front row, but this was not always the case. There were some times when the madness became too much. There would be girls in the front row making out with each other, or girls with their shirts up flashing all of us in the band. It was no place for a kid to be.

Jenneas presence on the road that summer was made more complicated by the fact that 2004 had been by far the worst year of my life. I had reached my own personal gutter. Here I was, the guitarist for one of the biggest rock bands in the world, raking in millions of bucks and playing huge concerts all over the globe, but I was completely miserable. I didnt understand how a person who had everything he wanted, with millions of dollars in the bank, could be unhappy.

The thought of this made me so depressed that I turned to the only thing I knew that could comfort me: drugs. That year, I pretty much lived on beer, pills, speed, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Part of me wanted to get cleaned up, but another part of me wanted to die from a drug overdose. When I was on tour that summer, I fantasized about passing out and dying while asleep on my tour bus. Then, after I was gone, everyone would miss me and feel sorry for me like they did for all those other dead rock stars. Eventually, I would snap out of those dark thoughts and think about everything and everyone I had to live for. Believe it or not, even in the state I was in, I had full custody of Jennea, so I would think about her and how much she needed me. I would think about her beautiful light-brown curly hair and her smile that could chase away all my thoughts of death. I would think about how I was a suicidal rock star single father who desperately needed help.