Michele Howe - Still Going It Alone: Mothering with Faith and Finesse When the Children Have Grown

Still Going It Alone
Mothering with Faith and Finesse When the Children Have Grown
(eBook edition)

2009 by Hendrickson Publishers, Inc.
P.O. Box 3473
Peabody, Massachusetts 01961-3473

eBook ISBN 978-1-59856-495-2

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, Todays New International Version (TNIV) Copyright 2001, 2005 by International Bible Society. All rights reserved worldwide.

Due to technical issues, this eBook may not contain all of the images or diagrams in the original print edition of the work. In addition, adapting the print edition to the eBook format may require some other layout and feature changes to be made.

First eBook Edition August 2009

Dedication

To Jake, Alison, and Jordan Halsey
To Chelsea and Taylor Johnson
Weve watched you grow into fine men and women.

(With moms like yours, its no wonder that youre blessings every one.)

Acknowledgments

B ook writing is always a community endeavor. Always. And it always begins with someones story. A story filled with hopes, dreams, and desires... complicated by lifes pain, sorrow, and uncertainty. But a story worth telling... always.

Throughout this book, I tell the stories of single moms whove been at the task of parenting for a while. Their experiences run the gamut of lifes emotional, physical, and spiritual challenges and yet, despite the obstacles they face, how they respond brings me hope and courage... always. I thank them for that.

I also want to thank my agent, Les Stobbe, agent extraordinaire... your insight and experience and wise counsel mean the world to me. Youre a man to be modeled after in this tough, tough business.

At Hendrickson Publishers, I feel like Ive come home again. Thanks to Shirley Decker-Lucke for her enthusiastic support of this book and for catching the vision of its need in support of the ever-growing circle of single moms out there. To Sara Scott and Megan Talbot... youre both a joy and delight to work with. To Mary Riso... applause to you for getting the word out with a fervent spirit and diligent service. And, my sincerest gratitude to Mark House for his keen editorial expertise. You made it practically painless... and thats saying a lot. Finally, Id like to thank Linda Grant for her editorial input on fine-tuning my work to make it a better, more useful resource.

Thank you all; your contributions will always be a warm and welcome remembrance.

Preface

S ome years ago, two of my closest friends became single moms, not by their own choice. However, these remarkable women of faith constantly made their own choices in the weeks, months, and years after their marriages ended. As their friend, I watched them choose

Life instead of defeat.

Forgiveness instead of bitterness.

Courage instead of fear.

Faith-driven confidence instead of paralyzing worry.

Joy instead of sorrow.

Contentment instead of envy.

Thankfulness instead of grumbling.

Love instead of hate.

As these women made their choices to live their new lives under the shelter and protection of Christ, everyone around them was blessed and encouraged. This was especially true for me.

This book, Still Going It Alone: Parenting With Faith and Finesse When the Children Have Grown, is the next chapter, so to speak, in my own attempt to address issues that are commonly faced by newly divorced moms and their families, an attempt that began with my first book, Going It Alone: Meeting the Challenges of Being a Single Mom.

In the same way that my dear friends learned to successfully parent solo throughout those early parenting years, they have also learned how to wisely observe the changes around them and within their families, and make appropriate changes and adjustments as their children grew up. Ive watched them learn important lessons that I believe can be of great benefit to other women who struggle with the same issues. This book contains my reflections on the lessons my friends have learned as well as personal lessons I myself have learned through seeking to apply biblical wisdom to the day-to-day struggles we all face as we grow older.

In this book, you will learn more about how to adjust to the empty nest as your children move out of the home; how to impart vision and goal-setting directives to your young adult children; how to help your kids make wise relationship and marriage decisions; how to prepare yourself for a second career as well as make sound financial preparations. Youll gain helpful advice on how to joyously embrace grandparenting while simultaneously caring for your own aging parents. Ill address the complex topic of remarriage and the inevitable adjustments that go along with it. Finally, Ill share some practical advice on how to discover and maintain the precious gift of inner rest no matter what the future holds.

As my friends learned so long ago and passed on to me, none of us is meant to live life on our own. Every person, as designed by God, has a need and an innate longing for intimate community. It is my hope and prayer that this book offers single moms a safe placea communitywhere they find rest and renewed hope, strength, and shelter as they travel alongside other moms on this parenting journey.

Chapter One

Entering the Crossroads

Betwixt and Between the Empty Nest

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:56

E ach woman thought the day would never arrive. Some dreaded it, others prayed for it. Yet every mother sees it coming, ominously lurking around the corner. The empty nest. Those who have already passed this signature mark in the childrearing process deem it another passage in life, in parenting. Others, single moms, especially single momsthose whove invested heart and soul into keeping their struggling family intactfrequently regard the thought of sending their kids off to worlds unknown as morally unconscionable. Yet like every other challenge single mothers have faced, theyre determined to make the adjustment successfully, and if at all possible... trauma-free. Sure, there are bound to be some wrinkles in the formula. And not to forget that after years of solo parenting, these courageous survivors instinctively surpass the status quo in every possible arena of life. Theyve honed their coping and managerial skills to a sciencenothing takes them unawaresespecially when it comes to their kids.

So, as babies grow into toddlers, elementary age kids grow into teens, and high school graduates into young adults, single moms are readying themselves for the good-byes they see inching toward them. Wisely, most mothers begin making prudent plans for the upcoming empty nest years that wont demand so much of their daily energy and time. Mothers entering this second stage of parenting initiate a chain of events, of patterns actually, that eases both parent and child into the future with confidence. Some women realize that theyve been so consumed with their childrens activities; theyve let the development of their own circle of social resources slide. Other moms may opt to start back to school, take up a long-neglected hobby, or rev up their volunteering pace. Step by step, single mothers from all walks of life begin putting into place small, but nevertheless significant, choices to let go of their children.