Susannah B. Lewis - How May I Offend You Today?: Rants and Revelations from a Not-So-Proper Southern Lady

Praise for How May I Offend You Today?

Susannah Lewis is a breath of fresh air. Her writing is insightful, hilarious, and full of all the things we think but are often afraid to say out loud. You will close the pages of this book and feel like youve made a new best friend.

MELANIE SHANKLE, NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF ON THE BRIGHT SIDE

My friend Susannahs new book is a refreshing and honest look at motherhood, marriage, and sisterhood. And to top it off, she speaks in the voice of a Southern lady who deeply loves Jesus. I can totally relate to that!

MISS KAY ROBERTSON, MATRIARCH OF THE ROBERTSON FAMILY, AUTHOR OF MISS KAYS DUCK COMMANDER KITCHEN, AND STAR OF DUCK DYNASTY

Whenever my mama was tickled by someones outspokenness, she would grinmaybe even clap her handsand say, Oh, she is a pistol. It was one of Mamas favorite terms of endearment. And so here is what I want to tell you now that Ive read How May I Offend You Today?: I have never been more convinced that Susannah Lewis is, in fact, a pistol. She is outspoken, she is hilarious, and she is really not at all concerned with whether any of us happen to agree with her views on pajama bottoms or electronics or how to navigate the carpool lane, among other things. But underneath all Susannahs funny fire and sass, there is such tendernesssuch deep affection for family and faith and loving people really well. So while you may show up to this book for the hot takes, youll leave encouraged and reminded of the kindness and care of our very good God. Mama would tell us thats a win all the way around.

SOPHIE HUDSON, AUTHOR OF STAND ALL THE WAY UP AND CO-HOST OF THE BIG BOO CAST

This should be required reading for every human immediately exiting the baptismal, prior to heading to the potluck. Susannah Lewis is a master wordsmith, comedic legend, and the quintessential anti-Pharisee. Were it a different time and place, this is one of the women Jesus would butter biscuits with. She breaks all the rules put in place by the pompous and is the united voice of the masses, who dont have the guts or the drawl to say what needs to be said so that we all might feel normal. How May I Offend You Today? is laugh-out-loud funny, with wisdom and raw realness that validated the voices in my head and confirmed my belief in the power of authenticity. No offense comes from the Lord; lucky for us, He anointed Susannah to pen it with humor, wit, and wisdom.

JAMI AMERINE, AUTHOR OF STOLEN JESUS AND SACRED GROUND, STICKY FLOORS

2020 by Susannah B. Lewis

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Published in Nashville, Tennessee, by Nelson Books, an imprint of Thomas Nelson. Nelson Books and Thomas Nelson are registered trademarks of HarperCollins Christian Publishing, Inc.

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ISBN 978-1-4002-0805-0 (eBook)

ISBN 978-1-4002-0804-3 (TP)

Epub Edition June 2020 9781400208050

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Lewis, Susannah B., 1981- author.

Title: How may I offend you today? : rants and revelations from a not-so-proper southern lady / Susannah B. Lewis.

Description: Nashville, Tennessee : Nelson Books, 2020. | Summary: Lewis turns her trademark humor to ordinary events that work her nerves--from people who wear t-shirts with indecent images to public displays of affection in the plumbing aisle of Lowes--while keeping a wry eye on herself and her own temptation to vent grievances like a teenage girl in overalls and Birkenstocks.-- Provided by publisher.

Identifiers: LCCN 2020009896 | ISBN 9781400208043 (trade paperback) | ISBN 9781400208050 (ebook)

Subjects: LCSH: Lewis, Susannah B., 1981- | Christian biography--United States. | Christian life--Humor. | Christian life--Anecdotes.

Classification: LCC BR1725.L4355 A3 2020 | DDC 277.3/083092 [B]--dc23

LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020009896

Printed in the United States of America

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Contents

Im a nobody thats tryin to tell everybody
bout Somebody that can save anybody.

DENVER MOORE, SAME KIND OF DIFFERENT AS ME

Dear Reader,

I completed this manuscript in February 2019, a few weeks before our baby girl was born. With Cheeto-stained fingers, I spent many late nights on my couch (stifling burps from indigestion and other horrific noises my body made) working to get this book finished before she was placed on my chest covered in goo and preciousness.

February 2019 now seems like eons ago, doesnt it?

As I wrote this book, Id never heard of coronavirus (sounds like slang for hangover). Tiger King wouldve likely been an animated Lion King spin-off instead the craziest documentary I would ever see. My children were in a classroom instead of downloading the Zoom app at our dining table. Protests didnt fill every news hour. Law enforcement, for the most part, was revered and respected. The murder hornet was only an idea for a sci-fi movie. Life was very different for all of us when I typed the last words of this book. Therefore, I recognize readers may possess a different mindset now than when the book was completed last yeara mindset featuring all the Devils favorite emotions: worry, panic, anger, sadness, anxiety, etc.