Lisa Sue Woititz - Unwelcome Inheritance: Break Your Familys Cycle of Addictive Behaviors

Lisa Sue Woititz has written a spiritually insightful and timely book, building on her mothers best-selling Adult Children of Alcoholics. It clearly examines what Janet Woititz meant when she said, I took my energy back and I took my power back. And I put that energy and power into the things that were important to me. Its a must-read for anyone seeking to heal broken family relationships.

Father Leo Booth, Say Yes to Your Life: Daily Meditations for Alcoholics and Addicts

If you are someone who had parents (or loved ones) with substance abuse, Lisas voice allows you to accept this pain in ways that promote taking charge. She shows you how you can move forward. If youre like me, a father of two teenage daughters who had parents and grandparents who suffered from substance abuse, or are someone who can relate to such a circumstance, I recommend you welcome Unwelcome Inheritance into your life.

Fredrick Hahn, author of Strong Kids, Healthy Kids and coauthor of The Slow Burn Fitness Revolution

Hazelden Publishing

Center City, Minnesota 55012

hazelden.org/bookstore

2015 by Lisa Sue Woititz

All rights reserved. Published 2015.

No part of this publication, either print or electronic, may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the express written permission of the publisher. Failure to comply with these terms may expose you to legal action and damages for copyright infringement.

ISBN: 978-1-61649-594-7

Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file with the Library of Congress.

Editors note

Some names, details, and circumstances have been changed to protect the privacy of those mentioned in this publication.

This publication is not intended as a substitute for the advice of health care professionals.

Alcoholics Anonymous, AA, and the Big Book are registered trademarks of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Janet G. Woititz, list of characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics from Adult Children of Alcoholics. Copyright 1983 by Janet G. Woititz. Reprinted with the permission of The Permissions Company, Inc., on behalf of Health Communications, Inc., www.hcibooks.com.

19 18 17 16 15 1 2 3 4 5 6

Cover design: Percolator

Interior design: Terri Kinne

Typesetting: Bookmobile Design & Digital Publisher Services

In memory of

Robbie, Stacie, and Brad

and

Bill and Lois W.

Dedication

To Dad for his power of example;

Rebecca, Michael, and Joshua for their inspiration;

Dave for his unconditional love;

Danny for his inner strength

And to ACoAs and others from all walks of life

who identify with this journey

With love and gratitude, I dedicate this work to you.

Contents

Few people in their lifetime are as blessed as my mother was to have Professor V. Gioia Kay for her best friend, confidante, business partner, and advisor. Fewer people have been as blessed as I am to have her for my godmother and life teacher. I could not love her or appreciate her more, even if she had given birth to me. She has been part of our family and has been with us for every moment of joy or sadness in almost forty years. Most people do not realize that Gioia founded the ACoA movement right along with Mom and was with her every single step of the way until the day Mom passedjust as she has been here with me, envisioning this book and helping to bring it into reality. Boundless love and gratitude for you and the vibrant, brilliant, loving person that you are.

Much gratitude to my brother, Dave Woititz, for keeping Moms work alive by creating www.drjan.com and for providing such meaningful content for this book. In sharing about my life, I am also sharing about yours, and you are so humble to encourage me to do so.

Loving thankfulness to Ivan Whittenburg for cheering me on every day, for keeping me focused, and for rolling up your sleeves to help me through the most difficult things.

Thanks to my treasured friends: Marilyn Tipp, Lynn Tobin, Alice Bruhns, Christina Breda, Helena Blumer, and Nancy Harrington. You make me feel anything is possible.

It still amazes me every day how George Adams insisted I write a book without ever knowing it was my dream to do so, and without knowing a thing about my family. I cant thank him enough for introducing me to his brilliant and talented daughter, Helen Zimmermann, who became my agent and guided me through the crafting of the only proposal that would have brought Hazelden into my life. Many thanks to Sid Farrar, who saw my vision with more clarity than I did, and who gave me the opportunity to share that vision through this book. Assigning me to work with the masterful Cynthia Orange was a gift that words cannot describe. Cynthia, with your gentle grace and expertise, you brought the writer in me to life, and for that I will always be grateful.

Many thanks to Tim Healy, CASAC and Senior Addiction Counselor at St. Johns, for so willingly sharing his expertise and for answering my endless questions with such thoughtfulness and depth. I have the utmost respect for you as a clinician and a friend.

At least three gratitudes go to Alice Kroll, NCC, LPC, for teaching me how to live in today and for helping me become the person I was meant to be.

And, thank you to my sweet children, Rebecca, Michael, and Joshua, for your willingness to be included in our story and for your encouragement. I love being your mom.

Its the end of another chaotic day of my own making. The sun has gone down, and Im still at my desk, feeling whooped, wishing for an escape from the dread that closes in on me as the day fades away. At fifty, isnt life supposed to be getting easier instead of harder? Instead, here I am cleaning up the emotional and financial wreckage in the wake of a second divorce, with no light at the end of the tunnel anytime soon. When I scold myself for creating all of these problems, I can hear Mom respond, But you came by it all honestly. You were set up for your troubles.

In other words, shes telling me that many of my adult problems are the result of growing up in a home with alcoholism. It would be great if knowing that truth fixed everything, but it doesnt. Its going to take a ton of workwork on the inside and on the outside. Tired and full of self-pity and fear, I want to escape my feelings. I could zip around the corner and pick up a pint of ice cream, but I tell myself no. I wish that I could smoke a few hits of pot, and at the same time I am glad that I dont have any. (If I did, Id have to smoke it all.) If I liked bars, Id go out and order two Washington Apples with Crown Royal whiskey instead of vodkajust enough to take the edge off, but not enough to knock me on my ass. Pills arent my thing either, although I did give them a fair try (by prescription, of course). Antidepressants make me feel suicidal, antianxiety meds make me feel insane, and sleeping pills keep me awakethe classic paradoxical response that my mother believed children of alcoholics often have to medications. So here I just sit, immobilized and alone with my thoughts, my brain like a tennis ball being lobbed back and forth between fear and faithbetween It will be all right and OMG, Im gonna die.