Table of Contents
TO WALT,
a single dad who has always been there for his children
and is now always there for me
Introduction
Shortly after I became a single mom I began to take note of a continual stream of bad information coming my way. New studies were constantly being released on the impact that fatherless homes had on childrenand Id watch fellow conservatives take to the talk shows, armed with the latest statistics, to make their case. The evidence is overwhelming, they would argue, a dad in the home is critical to the healthy development of his children. The picture they painted was frightening. Id start to worry all over again that I couldnt give my kids a childhood as good as my own.
Meanwhile, Id watch feminists comment that the rising number of female-headed homes was, on one hand, good news. Proof, they maintained, that you dont need a man to have a family. But when asked to address the awful financial and emotional consequences this new living arrangement had on kids, they spoke about victimhood and the need for government to step in to help these women and children.
Neither side offered any message of hope or encouragement that I could succeed in spite of the difficulties I was facing.
The facts were irrefutableI knew that. They were supported by decades of research: kids raised by single parents dont fare nearly as well as those raised in traditional two-parent families. They are far more likely to abuse drugs, do poorly in school, and serve time in jail; they are more likely to be chronically ill, suffer from depression, and be sexually promiscuous. And theyre more likely to become single parents themselves.
My own childhood had taught me the vital role that fathers play in their kids lives. But that was no longer an option for my familymy husband had left and that path was closed to us. What was I supposed to do? Give up? Where was the advice, the guidance, the assurance that, if I did my part, my kids could make it, that they could beat the odds?
My divorce devastated me, but my kids were counting on me. I was their momI couldnt let them down. Billy, Tommy, and Stuart were my boys, and it was my job to see that they thrived. So I buried my fears deep inside and did the only thing I could: I made a rock-solid commitment to my three sons to put them first in my life and to always be there for them. I would give them a great childhood, a close family, and a bright future. That was my job. So thats what Id do.
Along the way I learned it can be done. We single moms can compensate for the lack of a dad in our homes. We can handle the amazing challenge of being a parent alone. We can give our kids a healthy, happy childhood and the tools they need to thrive throughout their lives.
But I didnt hear this message when I was raising my kidsand I worry that millions of single moms across America today arent hearing it either. We can talk about the importance of marriage and fathers all we wantand Id agree with every wordbut we cant forget about the eighteen million kids whose fathers no longer live in their homes. Today single mothers are raising nearly one-fourth of our nations children. These moms need to know that they can do it, that their kids can make it. They need the hope and courage that comes from knowing that it can be donethat they too can give their kids the kind of foundation in life that comes from being raised inside a strong, caring family.
It is a rough going, I know only too well, but as generations of women have proven, we have an infinite reservoir of strength within us. We just need to tap into it. Single moms are some of the toughest, most resourceful, no-nonsense people I know. Those who arent need to get there.
Whats more, the public dialogue needs to change. Its time for a heavy dose of honesty about the responsibility of motherhood, greater appreciation for the strength of women, and some solid guidance on how to be a successful single mom.
This book is the first step by this conservative to be there for these womento stand with them, inspire them, and arm them with tools that will help them give their children the opportunity to be the men and women they were meant to be.
My Rules for Successful Parenting
Some argue that women shouldnt settle for being just a wife or a mom. We need to pursue our own interests, do something significant in our own right, be defined by our own accomplishments. Those people are flat-out wrong. They lack an understanding of the great wonders of being a mom and the immeasurable rewards of being a good one. There is no greater accomplishment. It takes an unshakable commitment to your kids and a willingness to sacrifice everything for them, but these are our kids were talking aboutand there is nothing more important.
Ive had any number of professional titles in my lifeand even more jobsbut the best of them and the one I am most proud to be called is the mother of my three boys. Were my kids perfect? Far from it. Did I make mistakes? I sure did (and youll read about them). But we were a family, just the four of us. Together we faced whatever life sent our way, and my boys grew up to be fine young men. It was a great life, and I tell you all about it in this book. And I pull no punches. I just tell it like it was. Bay and Her Boys is my storythe good, the bad, and the ugly.
I wrote this book to give an honest but entirely hopeful message to single moms. But the message works for all parents. We are responsible for our children. Its our job to see that our kids make it. It is tough and, at times, brutally difficult, but we can do it, and we can do it well. We can succeed, and for the sake of our kids, we must. Our kids deserve a fighting chance, and only we can give it to them. Whats more, the ride can be so much fun that youd never want to miss it.
Bay and Her Boys offers a guide on how to survive the hard days, how to do it alone, and how to keep the kids in line. I tell you what worked for me, what I learned along the way, and how I kept on going. I talk about the challenges and the sacrifices, the joys and the laughs. And I lay out my eight rules for single parentingone for every chapter.
But as I wrote this book I often thought of single dads struggling just as I hadand of married women who in many respects live my life because their husbands are away so much. And as I put words to my rules I realized that they are the basic principles of good parentingwhether youre doing it alone or not. So although I tell my story from the perspective of a single mom, the lessons within are for anyone who is a parentor ever wants to be.
Each child is different, as is every parent, so it is up to you to determine the best way to apply these rules to your family. The key is simply to commit yourself to themthen make them work for your kids. No matter what your situation is as a parent, this book will show you how to take charge of your life, create a close family bond, and provide the warm, supportive home your kids needall the while making the best job youll ever have a little easier.
My Boys
Ive scattered dozens of stories about my three throughout this book. In the hope of helping you distinguish one son from another, here is a short description of each of them.
Billy, My Oldest
Back in January of 1983, when Billy was born, I was Treasurer of the United States. National radio took note. All day long they announced, Today, the U.S. Treasurer has issued a new
