Dayna Macy - Ravenous

Praise for Ravenous

Food as protection, comfort, pleasure, and love, a defense against deprivation, a buffer against painso many of us will recognize our insatiable hungers in Dayna Macys quest to understand her own. But the real appeal of Ravenous is Macys voice: her candor and humility; her curious mind and storytellers clarity; and the open, generous heart she brings to her tale of learning to find peace with her appetite and her body.

Kate Moses, author of Cakewalk

Ravenous is among the most engaging, fun, and insightful books about appetite youll ever read. A wonderful mlange of memoir (what a family!), recipes (you can taste them), the exploration of food production (slow, local, artisanal, organic) topped off by uncommonly delicious writing.

Sue Halpern, author of Cant Remember What I Forgot

This rich, compelling book follows a womans search for balance, and ultimately, freedom, in her relationship to food. Macys writing is strong and beautiful, every page filled with risk and integrity. I truly loved Ravenous. Its a real accomplishment.

Kim Chernin, author of In My Mothers House

Ravenous is the journey of a courageous, smart, beautiful woman who learned that there is no final answerbut that the inquiry itself, the work of being and growing and accepting, is the salve that heals the heart. Macys writing is the perfect blend of humor, irony, and wit. Her warmth and earnestness is so lovable that I found myself rooting for her all along. I couldnt put it down!

Stephanie Snyder, yoga instructor and
creator of Yoga for Strength and Toning

Ravenous

Copyright 2011 by Dayna Macy

Published and distributed in the United States by: Hay House, Inc.: www.hayhouse.com Published and distributed in Australia by: Hay House Australia Pty. Ltd.: www.hayhouse.com.au Published and distributed in the United Kingdom by: Hay House UK, Ltd.: www.hayhouse.co.uk Published and distributed in the Republic of South Africa by: Hay House SA (Pty), Ltd.: www.hayhouse.co.za Distributed in Canada by: Raincoast: www.raincoast.com Published in India by: Hay House Publishers India: www.hayhouse.co.in

Design: Tricia Breidenthal

from The Essential Rumi, by Jalal al-Din Rumi, translated by Colman Barks, (HarperOne, 1997). Coleman Barks. Used by permission of the translator.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced by any mechanical, photographic, or electronic process, or in the form of a phonographic recording; nor may it be stored in a retrieval system, transmitted, or otherwise be copied for public or private useother than for fair use as brief quotations embodied in articles and reviewswithout prior written permission of the publisher.

The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Some names have been changed to protect privacy.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Macy, Dayna.

Ravenous : a food lovers journey from obsession to freedom / Dayna Macy.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-1-4019-2691-5 (hardcover : alk. paper) 1. Macy, DaynaPsychology. 2. Overweight personsUnited StatesBiography.
3.

Reducing diets. 4. Natural foods. 5. Compulsive eating. 6. Food habitsPsychological aspects. 7. Weight loss. I. Title.

RC628.M335A3 2011

616.85'26dc22

[B]

2010029887

Hardcover ISBN: 978-1-4019-2691-5

Digital ISBN: 978-1-4019-3085-1

14 13 12 11 4 3 2 1

1st edition, February 2011

Printed in the United States of America

For my mother, Estelle Bogoff
Macy In memory of my father, Gilbert Macy

And all that huge
change came about
as I had the marzipan
in my mouth,
before Id even swallowed it.
A tastea memorya landslide

PHILIP PULLMAN, THE AMBER SPYGLASS

Contents

Im in a gourmet food store near my Berkeley, California, home. White serving dishes, filled with a dozen kinds of olives, gleam behind the counter. The variety is dazzlingbright green Cerignolas, pinkish-brown Hondroelias, and almost-black dry-cured Moroccans.

The olives are for a dinner party Im giving later in the week. I choose several varieties, scooping them into a container. When its filled to the brim, I pay and leave.

I love olives. But I tell myself not to eat any: Theyre for the party. Also, they are little caloric bundles. And at 48, 5'6", and a size 18, I shouldnt binge.

I get in the car to drive home. I try to ignore the container on the seat next to me. But I cant resist. I taste a Cerignola firstits large and piquant. I eat a Hondroelia nextmeaty and satisfying. And the Moroccan? The salt bomb of my dreams. I eat a couple, then a few more, and then a few more.

By the time I get home, the olives are gone.

For as long as I can remember, Ive turned to food for comfort.

I am ten. My parents have had another fight. My father packs his bag and says hes leaving.

Where? I ask, crying.

Anywhere but here, he replies.

He grabs his suitcase and walks toward the door. Terror overrides my pride, and I grab onto his pants leg and scream, Dont go! Dont leave us!

He continues walking, dragging me with him, the burnt-orange shag carpet chafing my arms. He gives his leg a final shake. I lose my grip, and he walks out the door.

I lie on the floor for a few moments. Then I pick myself up and make my way to the kitchen. I open a can of black olives and put one on each finger of my left hand. One by one I eat them off each fingertip. When all five are gone, I pop another five onto my fingers and repeat the process until Ive eaten them all.

But Im not done. Next I heat up a package of 15 frozen assorted mini-pizzas in the oven. I eat the plain cheese, my least favorite, first; then the sausage; then the pepperoni. Im stuffed, and I finally feel safe.

Its five years later, and Im 15, babysitting for the nice family around the corner from my house. The kids are sleeping, and I start trolling around their refrigerator for something to eat. Then I spot it, the Holy Grail: a package of ham, which, because its pork, Im not allowed to eat at home.

I take out a slice of white bread, slather it with mustard, and throw on two pieces of ham. I gobble it quickly, as if expecting to be caught at any moment. When Im done, I clean up, go back into the living room, and try to read a magazine. Two minutes later, I again hear the siren call. I go back to the kitchen and eat another sandwich.

Hoping they dont discover my crime for at least a few days, I finish the last of my neighbors ham.

From 18 to 26, my weight stays a stable size 10. Through college, where I fall in love with a long-haired boy and during which time my brother has a mental breakdown and my father has a heart transplant; through graduate school, through a move to Switzerland for a romance, through my fathers death at age 56, and through several years of living in New York before moving to California. Still not the size 4 of my skinny, flat-chested sister, but good enough.