J.L. King - Coming Up from the Down Low: The Journey to Acceptance, Healing, and Honest Love

Table of Contents

I dedicate this book to the memory of my departed mother,Mrs. Lillie Mae King. You were the woman in my lifewho understood me before I understood myself, and youstill loved me.

This book is also dedicated to the many men andwomen who are seeking relationships based on honesty. Ipray that this book is used as a guide to getting past issuesthat cause people to not be who they are, and allow themto step out of the fog of denial into the light of acceptance.

INTRODUCTION

Hello, from Mr. Down Low. Thats who Ive become over the last year, for better or worse, since the publication of my first book, On the Down Low: A Journey into the Lives of Straight Black Men Who Sleep with Men. People yell it out to me in the streets and in airports and in packed elevators, sometimes with affection, sometimes with scorn, sometimes with playful curiosity, and sometimes almost as a threatHey, Mr. Down Low!

On the Down Low was a blessing and a curse: It brought unprecedented exposure to a topic I consider to be of urgent importance to our communitythe hidden lives of black men who sleep with other men while in every other way leading a straight life. And it reached a much wider audience than anyonewell, almost anyoneexpected. It was a national bestseller that spent more than twenty-six weeks on the New York Times bestseller list and became the fuel for a raging debate that went from beauty parlors and barber-shops to the pages of People magazine and the soundstage of The Oprah Winfrey Show.

And like most raging fires, that debate has grown completely out of control. The interest I hoped to provoke with that first book has turned into a frenzy of speculation, paranoia, and witch-hunting. And while Ive been living in the swirl of that frenzy, Ive also been deeply affected by it. After all, I primarily used the example of my own lifemy own secrets, lies, and eventual transformationto throw light on the subject, so it was hard to separate the book from my own identity. So I became Mr. Down Low.

In the midst of all the excitement and controversy, something else happened. I started to go through some dramatic changes of my own. The experiences of the past year since that first book came out have led me to a new understanding of the down-low phenomenon, and a new understanding of my own life and sexual identity.

Im a bisexual man. Making this statement is about as hard a thing as Ive ever done. Recognizing and accepting this fact about my own identity has been one of the most profound new insights that this year has brought for me. In my first book, I described myself as a straight man who could find sexual gratification with both men and women, but I also claimed that in my heart I could only find true love with a woman. At this point in my journey, its become clear that its not that simple for meor for the many men who are emerging from down-low lives and trying to embrace honesty. I realize now that the same shame and self-deception that sustained my down-low life for so many years was also behind my refusal to entertain the possibility of true intimacy with a man. But now that Ive opened myself up to a more complete and honest understanding of myselfhelped by listening to the hundreds of men and women Ive met over the last few years who are struggling with these same issues themselvesIve come to this liberating truth: Im not a straight man who has sex with men; Im a bisexual man. But none of these labelsgay, straight, bisexualtells my whole story.

Thats the most dramatic and personal revelation of the past year or so for me; but Ive learned so much more about this phenomenon, its sources, and its consequences. Finally cracking open the down-low phenomenon and letting light flood in has not just driven me to dive deeper into myself, but has created a forum for the thousands and thousands of other people. These are the men and womenstraight, gay, and biwhove been struggling with untold drama in their own lives, but in secret, too ashamed to break their tormented silence. Now these voices have emergedconfused, angry, paranoid, hurt, vengeful, or forgiving, and all too painfully human. Weve gone on this journey to deeper understanding togetherand not without some bumps in the road.

As I traveled around the country talking about my book, I was met with more confusion and shock than I would have previously imagined. The most common reactions I found were genuine anxiety and persistent denial that what I was saying was true. Even women who have witnessed down-low behavior first-hand often seemed to be in denial about ita denial rooted in the pain and betrayal they felt. How can my husband of twelve years and the father of my two children be gay?... My boyfriend is not feminine and always satisfiesme in bed, but I think hes sleeping with other men, whats wrongwith me? Dont I turn him on?... I have never had a problemturning my husband on and hes definitely manlyso even if he hasslept with a man, I know that he wont do it again and we can justpray and get through it together.

I also found unease, to say the least, among women who suddenly started asking uncomfortable questions about the men in their lives. In these women I sometimes saw a fear that bordered on panic and paranoiathese were women who were afraid that the men they loved were harboring secret sexual lives, a fear that in many cases wasnt backed by any actual evidence.

But the saddest responses I ran across came from women, primarily black women, who were still out there looking for the black man of their dreams. The women still searching for The One, the responsible, honest, faithful man who would love and honor them the way they knew they deserved to be loved and honored. These women greeted news about the down low with something like true despair. Ladies, I hear you. I hear all of you when you express your feelings on the topic. I hear that you are confused, uninformed, and most of all scared about what youre hearing. You are scared for your future and the future of the people you care for.

I clearly remember one woman I met at one of my events. At the end of my presentation, she stood in line with all the others who wanted to get their books signed, but she had another reason for wanting to meet me: She wanted to vent. I am mad as hell at black men! is what this beautiful sister said to me. She told me she was giving up on finding a black man who was not gay, not DL, not on drugs, had no criminal record, had a job, and no baby mama drama. This sister told me that she owned her home, had good credit, no children, two degrees, a luxury car, attended church, gave back to her community, was a Big Sister to two inner-city girls, and had not been on a date in over a year.

Why are brothers doing this to us? she asked. Why are black men taking us through this? Why is it that on top of every other problem we have with our men, sisters now have to deal with this down-low bs? She was angry, scared, and confused. As she continued to let loose on me, tears started to well up in her eyes and fall, slowly at first, but soon she was sobbing hard. At this point, I stopped being an author and activist and became a father. She wanted and needed me to tell her everything was going to be okay. As I pulled her to me, to give her a hug and a shoulder to cry on, I thought about my own daughter who could just as easily be asking me these same questions with the same urgent need for reassurance. This was a sister who did all the right things to be a