Morgan H Smith Jr. - Generation Squeezed: A Holistic Guide For Taking Care Of Aging Parents

GENERATION

SQUEEZED

A HOLISTIC GUIDE FOR TAKING CARE OF

AGING PARENTS

MORGAN H SMITH JR

Copyright 2020 Morgan H Smith Jr.

www.gensqueezed.com

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For My Family

And

Yours

The Bull & Balls

O ne day, I decided to visit my father, a twenty-minute drive from my house. We sat down in my parents front patio, where so many times over the years he had given me life advice or just cracked a few jokes. It was a sunny fall day in Coronado, California, with the ever-present ocean breeze and the occasional ship horn claiming its passage in the San Diego Bay. Sitting in the sun with my dad and enjoying the moment, I was tempted to just let it pass and pretend everything was okay. But it wasnt. His dementia had gotten to the point where he could be a danger to himself and others if he was out on the roads; something needed to give before it broke. Because of my love and respect for him, I was committed to help, as hard as it was. I was really worried there would be a lot of pushback, but mostly I felt bad for taking away one of the main things that gave him a sense of control and freedom.

Dad, you understand youre having a more difficult time with your memory, dont you

Yea. Ha ha. Jeez. Getting old aint for sissies. But Im doing all right, son, dont you worry about me. Im happy.

Well dad, I know youre happy and thats great. But do you remember when you got lost the other day driving around town?

Did I? Ha ha. No, I dont remember. Really?

Yep.

Jeez, thats, well, ha ha, really?

Yes really. Mom and I want you to be safe and I dont want you getting in an accident where you might hurt someone else, so its really time you stopped driving. Its for your safety and everyone else's, so Im going to have to take your keys away and no more driving.

There was a pause as he looked at me, trying to grasp the full context of what I had just said. Inside, I was fighting the anxiety and guilt, trying to keep myself together. Trying to keep it light and breezy when in actuality I felt the weight of my entire life squeezing my heart and head. He stopped and looked at me. For a moment, I did not think he fully comprehended what I was suggesting. I also worried he might blow up and start yelling and tell me to take a hike. Then he looked at me, and very innocently said, Its all right son. I understand.

Silence. I just stared at him for a moment making sure I heard his words correctly. And then boom! Thats when all of that anxiety, fear, and guilt just washed away. Thats when I realized I was really doing the good work in lifehelping my fatherwhich was helping my mother, my sister, and myself be happy and give us peace of mind. That moment gave me supreme steadfast confidence that I should continue the path I was on.

That was a transformative moment for me, but as I later found out, despite this small victory, there were many, many difficult times to come. Transformative as it was, it was also a very sad moment for me. My father, tough as nails on the outside, softie on the inside, the strong foundation for my life and our family, had just resigned to the fact that he had met his match. And it tore me up inside. Some people who have dementia get very combative and angry, while some are more serene and calm. Thankfully, my father was the latter; I felt at times he was regressing to a boyhood innocence, taking comfort and a sense of safety in his family. Over the years, our relationship had grown from one of father-son to one of friends, with a love that was solid and always there. This day was a marker in my life, as in essence it was a role reversal, where I was the father and he was my young son.

If I wasnt somewhat prepared for this chapter in my life, its quite possible everything I had worked hard for could have come tumbling down. But, from this moment on, I was able to approach the decline and death of both my parents with an enlightened and informed approach that was full of confidence and commitment.

A final note on this conversation with my dad. After he told me that he understood and was okay with me taking away the car, he sat there for a moment and then looked at me with the old humorous fire in his eyes and said, You know son, taking away a mans car is like chopping the balls off of a bull. I laughed and cried at the same time and was very happy to have my dad back for that fleeting moment.

New Beginnings. New Endings.

M oving through life , seeing your parents getting older and knowing youll most likely experience their passing maybe sooner than later, can be a weight on anyones emotions. Unless you are thick in it right now, you probably dont walk around thinking about this all the time. But its there, and it will come.

The universe has a beautiful strangeness to it and heres a reminder. When I was going through the decline and death of my parents, I seemed to be running into a lot of people who were going through the same thing I wasthe universe confirming its ways to me. Most of them seemed somewhat adrift, lost in the maze of things they had to take care of. And although they might have felt somewhat confident handling certain things, they were unclear about how to take care of the majority of issues, such as legal, financial, taxes, and their own emotions. I realized I was not alone, and most people are, or will soon be, going through the same situation.

Whether or not youve realized it, entering this new phase in your life means youll have to decide if and how to help your aging and dying parents. You may be daunted by the prospect of doing thisgetting the right caretakers, paying the bills, reviewing investments, settling the estate, dealing with siblings, finding those passwords, understanding the importance of powers of attorney, preparing yourself emotionally, and more. The list goes on and seems overwhelming; in fact, it isespecially if you have nowhere to turn or dont feel like talking about it to anyone.

In this book, I will help you help yourself and your family. Through my personal experiences with my parents and my professional experience as a financial advisor helping families facing similar issues, Im confident youll gain new insights and tools to help you through this difficult journey.