Elaine Halligan - My Childs Different: The Lessons Learned from One Familys Struggle to Unlock Their Sons Potential

Does positive parenting work with a challenging child?

This is the most common question I hear from parents when I describe my approach to parenting. Positive parenting is simply parenting that focuses on a loving connection with the child rather than using control techniques like punishment and shame, so logically it should work with any human. But with challenging children, parents are often desperate. They see that their child is out of control and they cant imagine that theres a compassionate way to get their child back on track.

The book you are holding My Childs Different is the answer to this question. Elaine Halligans true story of her familys journey with a child who is different (her son Sam) engages the reader from the start. Her heartfelt account describes many incidents of anguish and embarrassment on the journey to gradual discovery and growth, and allows the reader to experience travelling the very potholed road that is living with a child of difference.

As this story unfolds, you see the transformation of an angry, struggling child into a capable, reflective, wonderful young man. What makes that transformation possible is the transformation of his parents, who learn the positive parenting approach that brings out the best in their son.

But this story is not just Elaines (or even Sams). This story has the ability to shape the lives of other families, maybe yours.

If you have a differently wired child, you know it. You also know that your child doesnt necessarily respond as other children do to the strategies suggested by all those well-meaning people who insist on giving you advice on raising a child. Maybe you sometimes wonder how you can get through to a child who at times seems impossible to reach.

You may have a child who has a sensory processing issue, an attention deficit of some kind, or severe anxiety that leads to rages. Your child may be very bright but underperforming at school or not connecting so well with their peers. Your child may be the one who is always in trouble at school. Maybe theyre highly impulsive, have trouble managing their emotions and lash out, beyond the age when other kids seem to be able to control their feelings. Maybe theyve been diagnosed with dyslexia, high functioning autism or oppositional defiant disorder. Or your child may not have been labelled with any of the usual acronyms, but their temperament is so intense or sensitive as to set them apart from other, easier kids.

Children like this get used to constant negative feedback, correction and criticism. Its not their parents fault these kids are a handful and just getting through the day with them would wear out any parent. But by the time these kids get to school, their self-esteem is already eroded. Then, when they try to cope in school and find it hard to focus, to learn, to manage their bodies and emotions their frustration and anxiety explodes.

Is there a way to respond to the behaviour of a child like this that helps them manage their anxiety and anger, that motivates them to persevere when learning is tough, that supports them to become their best selves? We know that the conventional parenting approach of reprimands, nagging, lectures, threats and punishment just makes things worse. In this book, Elaine Halligan describes another way: the positive parenting skills that turned things around with her son.

As Elaine and her husband Tony learned to use descriptive praise, Sams sense of self-worth started to improve, and as he felt more successful, he became more cooperative. When they began to validate Sams feelings of anger, hopelessness and frustration, he felt more connected to his parents and more motivated to follow their rules and he gained the capacity to manage his emotions more effectively. As they learned to respond constructively to unwanted behaviours without making Sam feel worse or damaging his self-esteem, he began to take responsibility and learn from his mistakes. And so Sam blossomed into a confident young man who became a leader at school and an entrepreneur in life.